God isn’t who you think He is. He’s just not. The sooner you
get that into your system, the better off you’ll be. You may have a closer-to-accurate view of Him
than some, but I guarantee you are not fully correct.
He is so far outside the box… The more I walk with Him, and even
in the times that I’ve walked away from Him, I become more and more aware of
the fact that I cannot even begin to comprehend Him.
For starters, I think I sort of understand how Job felt.
Granted, I haven’t lost my already non-existent spouse and children. Haven’t
lost all of my earthly possessions and haven’t been riddled with a physical
illness so horrifying that people cringe at the sight of me and I scrape at my
skin with broken clay pots (which, let’s face it, I probably broke them out of
despair… but of course they weren’t mine, because I lost all my earthly
possessions. But, wait, I didn’t.)
So you may be wondering how I can even begin to compare
myself to Job then. And to that I say; Hey, hey now. I didn’t say I was like
him. Just that I kind of know how he may have felt. In the process of all that
happening, I would imagine the most prevalent emotions would be those of
feeling as though your world is falling apart around you and you can’t stop it,
and realizing your utter dependence on a being that seems set on destroying
you. Even though you know somewhere in you that God does not intend to destroy
you (or does He?), you have to actively tell yourself this daily… hourly…
sometimes constantly. The end of your trial, if it is near (which you doubt),
is not visible. And in the process of all of this, you find yourself becoming a
very different person. But then, perhaps you always were that person and it is
just coming to surface.
My life has fallen apart the past few years. And by “life” I
don‘t mean the exterior sense of physical stability for the most part. I do
mean everything that I have ever placed any amount of worth or foundation in.
My family; my parents are on the verge of divorce and have been for almost 3
years now. The circumstances that have played into this and the events that
have occurred have opened my eyes to see the truth of my childhood. The
childhood that I always looked back on fondly has been tainted. The foundation
and pride that I had always placed in coming from a good, stable family?
Shattered. It made me realize that the past actually can change. We cannot
change it ourselves, but what we thought was, isn’t always.
I’ve also seen this process tear up those who are most
important to me; my siblings. Another point of pride for me; my siblings and I
were always upstanding, good examples. Not necessarily the case any longer.
Through this whole process I’ve found myself in a place I
never imagined. I thought I had experienced and known brokenness at its deepest
level. I was wrong. I have been shattered. Which, to be honest, is a bit
terrifying to me. Because if I thought I was broken before and was wrong… I’m
probably wrong this time too.
In addition to family issues, I’ve had the harshest of
circumstances test my sense of value and worth in myself. Which, in reality,
didn’t need to be tested, but rather, destroyed in its utmost. In preface to
this next part, I need to clarify that the person (who shall remain nameless,
though identity is likely known by several if not many) is not within my ill
will at all. They remain a friend and I hold nothing against them. Anyway, there was one who said he was my best
friend. This person knew me better than almost anyone can claim to. For a while we were inseparable (not exactly
a wise idea for 2 members of opposite genders attempting a simple friendship). Quickly
enough, though, that all went downhill. Without going into what actually
happened, the result in me was as follows. Since this person undeniably knew me
for who I really was more than all but 2 others and subsequently rejected me, I
concluded subconsciously that who I am was not good enough and I would never be
accepted in the fullness of who I am. This decimated me. And I’m not exaggerating
there, I mean, pinned-me-to-the-bed-staring-into-space decimated. (I do so hope
this person never actually reads this…. That would be the core definition of
humbling if not humiliating).
All of that occurred within months of my family issues being
initiated. Fun times, let me tell you.
This all called to question almost everything that I’ve ever
stood upon when it comes to my faith. I struggled almost constantly for the
first year with the question of whether God was really good. I knew the
answer.. I did. But did I know it enough to stake my life on it? I think I can
say now that then I didn’t. I once believed in His goodness, but my belief was
coupled with naivety. I hadn’t really had to trust His goodness because I had
always been able to easily see it. And in the dark that was my soul, I couldn’t
see it. But what did Jesus say? “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet
still believe”. I know He was speaking in a different context, but I think it
applies just the same.
There came a day in this time, and I don’t remember the
circumstances or the exact date or any of that fun stuff, but it occurred to me
that if my circumstances were able to dictate any aspect of who God is
(including His goodness), then how would that make Him God? In that moment I
realized that I did believe that He is good. Simply because He says He is. And
He cannot lie.
And this realization was followed in the months/years to
come by several others. New revelations of God’s justice; the fact that we have
already been subject to His judgment (on some level) through the sacrifice of
Christ. If we have stepped under the authority of that sacrifice, we have
stepped out of the condemning judgment of God. (That truth right there is
enough to make praise well up in me to the point of overflowing!) His sovereignty
is so much greater than we could ever imagine. I have set my worth securely in
Him. Without Him, I am not good enough for anything or anyone. The hurts
inflicted by my friend have been washed clean. My value is Christ.
So I suppose you’re wondering how this all ties into the
first couple of paragraphs. And reasonably so. Basically, I’ve lived my entire
life with preconceived ideas of my life, of God and of the way things are “supposed”
to be. I was oh so wrong.
The latest revelation I’ve had I sent to Sarah in a text
yesterday; “So I think I’ve decided that if God deemed it good to squish me for
His glory… I would be ok with this…” Some flowers were made to remain whole and
aesthetically pleasing, while others were created to be squashed so that their
fragrance can permeate the senses of those around them.
God is not who you think He is.
He does what He knows to be best. And believe me, He does
know best. It may hurt… but it’s very much worth it. The healing that comes
after a brokenness that you have allowed to remain open to God’s healing hand
instead of becoming bitter and trying to heal yourself is more complete than
you can imagine.
I do not in any way think that this process is complete. In
fact, I fear it is just beginning. But I do not doubt God. Not in the
slightest. I have many faults and fears that still call me home. But I have
full confidence that God will evict them in due time.
Me off.
