Stop fighting.
For so long I've been striving to stir myself up towards God; to regain the passion I once had for Him. As this battle has sustained in my life, all that has been accomplished is that I'm weary, battered, bitter and more aware of my failing than ever.
God has probably been telling me to stop fighting for quite a while, but I hadn't been listening. Finally, I hit a point where I could not fight anymore. As the voices around me died down (I'm finding that most of those voices were my own), I heard that quiet voice speaking to my spirit. It told me to stop trying to stir myself up toward passion and fire. That's not what God has for me in this season. But that I need to stir myself up toward peace instead. That my heart is so torn apart and shredded, only peace and quiet communion with God could bring healing.
So I've conceded. Or I'm in the process of conceding, at any rate. It's hard to simply stop contending for everythign that I've been battling over for over a year. But at the same time, it's easier than I would have thought.
Through this breaking, too, I've discovered the release of a creativity in me. Previously inspiration to be creative only came to me in brief spurts. But I've experienced it flowing out of me in new ways lately. It's like untapped depths of me have been unleashed. I've started to draw. And, while I don't claim any of my artwork to be masterpieces, I am at least able to express what is inside me that was once imprisoned by my mind. I've taken thought out of the equation in this area. Especially any thoughts of how things "should" be expressed. There is no "should" in art.
Another area I've seen some (if not small amounts) of growth is in my writing. Words and phrases that, at one point, I would have never thought to employ find their way through my fingers and onto my paper or screen.
You know, it may seem silly, but for a long time I've sought and desired to live up to my name. "Erin" means "peace". "Rebekah" (my middle name), has several meanings; "beauty bestowed upon her; favored by the Lord; to mend; to bind; to tie". As I've talked with God about my desire in this area, the best I can figure the meaning of my name is, "to bind or mend with peace". Since I was a child of about 10 I've wanted to somehow bring peace to people's lives. (A strange desire for a child, I know. But I was a strange child.) This was largely inspired because I knew my what my name meant. As I am growing, I'm realizing that I cannot be an agent of peace for others unless I allow God to work peace into my own life.
The beginning.
Me off.
For so long I've been striving to stir myself up towards God; to regain the passion I once had for Him. As this battle has sustained in my life, all that has been accomplished is that I'm weary, battered, bitter and more aware of my failing than ever.
God has probably been telling me to stop fighting for quite a while, but I hadn't been listening. Finally, I hit a point where I could not fight anymore. As the voices around me died down (I'm finding that most of those voices were my own), I heard that quiet voice speaking to my spirit. It told me to stop trying to stir myself up toward passion and fire. That's not what God has for me in this season. But that I need to stir myself up toward peace instead. That my heart is so torn apart and shredded, only peace and quiet communion with God could bring healing.
So I've conceded. Or I'm in the process of conceding, at any rate. It's hard to simply stop contending for everythign that I've been battling over for over a year. But at the same time, it's easier than I would have thought.
Through this breaking, too, I've discovered the release of a creativity in me. Previously inspiration to be creative only came to me in brief spurts. But I've experienced it flowing out of me in new ways lately. It's like untapped depths of me have been unleashed. I've started to draw. And, while I don't claim any of my artwork to be masterpieces, I am at least able to express what is inside me that was once imprisoned by my mind. I've taken thought out of the equation in this area. Especially any thoughts of how things "should" be expressed. There is no "should" in art.
Another area I've seen some (if not small amounts) of growth is in my writing. Words and phrases that, at one point, I would have never thought to employ find their way through my fingers and onto my paper or screen.
You know, it may seem silly, but for a long time I've sought and desired to live up to my name. "Erin" means "peace". "Rebekah" (my middle name), has several meanings; "beauty bestowed upon her; favored by the Lord; to mend; to bind; to tie". As I've talked with God about my desire in this area, the best I can figure the meaning of my name is, "to bind or mend with peace". Since I was a child of about 10 I've wanted to somehow bring peace to people's lives. (A strange desire for a child, I know. But I was a strange child.) This was largely inspired because I knew my what my name meant. As I am growing, I'm realizing that I cannot be an agent of peace for others unless I allow God to work peace into my own life.
The beginning.
Me off.
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