Conversation with God

My car is back in the shop. This is largely down putting because its the 4th time in about a week and a half. I sort of had a break down yesterday because of it. Well, it was triggered by it, but it was from pretty much everything I've been dealing with lately. To give you an idea of where I was at, I sent this to a friend in a text yesterday, "I feel helpless... I can't fix my friendship... I can't fix my family, I can't fix my car, I can't fix my heart. I'm really really done." Or something along those lines. I kind of hit the end of my rope.

Car trouble has a unique way of driving me to the point of complete, unmitigated frustration. And, in turn, driving me deeper in dependence on Jesus. My conversation with Him yesterday when something along the lines (although not exactly) of this:

Me - (starting towards the middle of my rant) God, I'm really trying to trust you with everything. And I do. But I don't understand. Why is this happening?? Why does it seem that my life is falling apart? I don't mean to question You, but this is where I'm at. I know You're going to provide, so why is it so hard to trust you? I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of everything being sucky all the time. I can't do it anymore. I just want to come and be with You.

God - Are you done now?

Me - Yeah... I think so.

God - Ok. I'm right here. I always have been. Right by you. Its going to be ok.

Me - But God, I just don't know what to do with this right now. Should I continue to put money into repairing this car? Should I just give up on it and try to buy a new one? I don't know! I don't know what the right thing to do is...

God - Its ok, I'm going to provide.

Me - But what if I make the wrong decision?

God - That's ok. I'm still going to provide. Erin, My grace covers your mistakes. That means that when you do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing or choose the wrong thing, you still get My blessing. So if you choose to keep this car and fix it, I'm going to provide you with the means to do so. If you choose to take another road, I'll provide for that too. I've got you covered. There are consequences. For instance, it may be less expensive for you to choose one thing over another. And one road may be more difficult that another. But, regardless, I am there. I am with you. Nothing you can do will ever change that.

Me- Oh. I see.

God - Yes.

Me - I do worry sometimes, though. What if I can't pay for internship? Or for my phone? Or for all of the other things I'm responsible for? What if I end up with nothing. I thought You called me to internship... would I really have to sacrifice that?

God - If I called you to it, I will provide for you to continue it. Erin, I really just want you to be in a place where you're content if all you have in life is Me. If all your dreams and plans fail; whether that be the intership, St. Louis, [un-named desire], to be a mother... any of it. Disappointment is natural. But I want you to be content and satisfied with and in Me.

Me - Hmm. I think I would be... But can we please not put that to the test. I really don't want to be homeless if it can be avoided

God - *laughs* Well, regardless, I will provide.

And I think I'm going to stop there. God has such a way of calming my soul when its in turmoil. I do love Him so much.

Below are the lyrics to a song that pretty much expresses my soul in a certain situation right now. There are several songs that are speaking to my soul, actually. Like "Stronger" by Hillsong and "Foot of the Cross" by Kathryn Scott. Anyway. That's where I'm at right now. I could use prayer largely.

Me off.

"Love is Not a Fight" By Warren Barfield

Love is not a place
to come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
then commit to never leave
So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
Work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees
Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for
To some love is a word
that they can fall into.
But when they're falling out
keeping that word is hard to do
Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
but demand we give our all

Testing 1, 2, 58

Its funny how when you pass a "test" it invariably means that you have a harder test coming up. Almost makes you want to purposely fail. Except I don't. Life is essentially a series of tests. So if you avoid the tests, you are avoiding life. And to avoid life is very unrewarding.

That's about all I got for now.

Me off.

The St. Louis Dream Center

Guys, my heart is entirely in St. Louis. Who am I kidding? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but it really is. Its been over a year since I've been there and my desire to be there is still as strong as when I left. I can't shake it. I got the Dream Center in my blood.

The type of ministry that they do and the way they do it is exactly what I'm wired for. I don't know how to explain it to you exactly besides saying that its like finding your purpose. But that sounds so cliche.

Joyce Meyer's tv program just had ran a session about the St. Louis Dream Center tonight. For those who don't know (probably because you haven't talked to me enough to hear me rant too much about that place), Joyce Meyer runs the Dream Center out there. Watching it and seeing the places and the people just made me long to be there all the more. I miss it so deeply.

And its not a romanticism of it. I know there's alot I don't know about being there. But I'm pretty grounded in the reality of what its like, I think. Mostly because I've done that kind of ministry before. Its hard work. But its what I'm made for.

Broken people. Needy people... All of it. My spirit groans in me. Again, cliche, I know. But its true.

Ah! I want to be there!! Even if its just to visit. I want to be a part of what they're doing.

I know, I know. You probably think that on some level I just want to see my baby brother. But that's not it. I mean, yes, I miss him. But even if he weren't there, I would long to be there. I wish there were some way I could describe to you what its like.

It'll happen some day. And then I'll share all of my experiences there. I can't wait.

Me off.

Giraffes, Babies and Escalators

Saw my giraffe on a baby bib yesterday. The baby wearing it happens to be one of the cutest babies ever to exist. Her name is Isabelle. It is children like her that make me wish I had children like her. Or children at all. Lol.

So we finished up our series by Joyce Meyer in ISOM on Thursday, and yesterday we started a series by Brian Houston (the pastor of Hillsong Church in Australia). He was talking about negative thinking. Which got me thinking. Being positive really is a choice. So is learning. I like the analogy I came up with yesterday while talking to someone. Its kinda like climbing the down escalator. You can either use your circumstances and situations as steps to take you upward and closer to God. Or you can just ride them out and allow them to take you farther away from Him and drag you down.

Its easy to just let things get you down; to maintain negative thinking. There is no effort involved in riding an escalator down. In fact, alot of times there's not even any thought involved. You just let your circumstances carry you where they may.

In order to climb, you have to fight against the current and the way things appear. You have to be determined and willing to work hard. You have to, at some point, make a conscious decision to not let the way things are going affect the way you pursue Christ.

Its hard. Especially when you feel like you have been wronged. When you have been unjustly treated by people. I have to admit, this is an area in which I haven't had much experience. I haven't been treated wrongly by people unjustly, probably ever. Until lately. I've been misread, gossiped about and pitied for no reason. Or little reason which has been exaggerated. I have been hurt largely by this. But on the flip side, I am grateful. Its developing a tougher skin on me. Metaphorically, of course.

I'm learning how to choose to live righteously in this. To let Christ be my vindicator. I don't have to prove that I'm right. For that matter, I don't have the ability to right now. I've had to choose to climb the down escalator in this. To not let anger, hatred, bitterness and pain poison me. And its still a choice I have to make on a regular basis. To try to forgive and love.

Jesus is my best friend. I have to cling to Him. I need Him like I need to breathe. A moment without Him feels like a moment without a heart beat. He's the only One who has fully accepted me and knows where I am right and have been perceived as wrong. He also knows where I am truly wrong. I have to believe that He will bring the truth to light. Even if that means that I realize more where I am wrong. I'm ok with that. I just want what's real to be real. I don't want myself to operate under a belief of something that is false to be true. And I don't want others to walk in that in relation to me, either.

There's alot. But Jesus will prevail. Because His love is strong. That's about all I got.

Me off.

Transmissions and Granny Driving

So I never thought I would be the person on the road that everyone wants to pass because they're going too slow. But, low and behold, it has happened. I even irritate myself I have to go so slow. Ok, ok, so I can still go 40 mph, which isn't that slow I suppose. But it feels like it to me.

The reason for this is, I need my transmission fixed. Without going into the hairy details of numbers and pain, I just had my car in the shop on Saturday and put a bunch of money into fixing it. Aaannd it needs to go in again for more extensive, expensive work.

I bring all this up because I completely believe that its a testimony to God's faithfulness. As stressful as this has been for me, He has stepped me through the whole way. It might not be the ideal situation, but He is providing. Not to mention I'm pretty sure I'm getting a crash course in patience and time management. Which, I could use a good dose of both of those.

God does seem to like to use car trouble to teach me things. Last year I had almost 3 straight months of having to deal with stuff with my car. What did I learn? I learned to trust that God has me covered, and not to freak out. So when this came around, even though it has stressed me out a little, even though sometimes it seems like God is waiting until the last possible minute to provide a way, I've remained calm about it... for the most part. I have had a couple times where breakdown almost happened, but He pulled me through. And He's still pulling me through. Praise Jesus.

Me off.

An Update on Giraffes and My Life

I stopped seeing the giraffes for a little while there. I thought maybe it was life's cruel irony to stop sending them my way as soon as I created a blog about it. But, low and behold, soon enough I started seeing them again. It isn't a daily occurance anymore, but its definitely several days out of the week. My best friend finds no oddity in this. She says its just because people like giraffes so they put them on things. I still think its odd.

As far as life goes, its been really interesting (and kinda cool) to see how God is using what I've been walking through. He's been giving me opportunities to interact with people who are going through similar things as I have been. Its almost like He brings them along to help me walk through my stuff as I'm walking with them. Responsibility generally helps me to work through things.

On that note, I've had alot of people who have asked me questions lately that I just don't have answers to. Really, no one has answers to the questions that I've been asked. Its been alot of "whys". I'm learning how to encourage people without having answers for them.

I think if I could create a soundtrack for my life right now it would include the following songs:
-Just One You from Jungle Jam and Friends the Radio Show
-The End by Relient K
-Human by the Killers
-Fall Away by Andrea Wellard
-Hold Me Near by Enter the Worship Circle
-Faithful by Ian McIntosh
-Hold Me Now by Hillsong
-What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road
-Dance Floor Anthem by Good Charlotte
-Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley
-There Goes the Fear by Doves
-Occurance at the Well by A Minor Bird
-Overthinking by Relient K
-Breath of Heaven by Sara Groves
-Like a Knife by Secondhand Serenade
-Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade
-Pieces by Sum 41
-Alarm the Alarm by Write This Down
-Are We All Forgotten by Paper Route

And probably many more. Lol.

Me off.

Justice = Mercy

I know that I've written about this concept before elsewhere, but its been revealed to me in new ways this week.

My prayer lately is that God would deal justly with me. (In my defense, it didn't process to me what this could potentially mean while I was praying it.) For me, while praying this, it had 2 meanings. First that where I have been wronged I would be justified. But also where I have done wrong, that I would be justified.

I have developed a new level of the fear of the Lord, I have to say. The idea of coming before an incomprehensibly holy, righteous, perfect God with my faults, failures and shortcomings wide open is enough to make me shake in my shoes.

And this is what God told me yesterday; His justice is His mercy. The punishment for whatever I have done wrong is already paid. So when I am asking Him for justice, He points to Jesus. His justice is complete when found in the merciful sacrifice of Christ. Because of this, I can reasonably expect to be forgiven by my spiritual siblings. But also, in that note, I also must forgive them for the wrongs they have done against me. Its like the story of the unforgiving servant.

All this is fairly basic, but to me it is profound. How good is our God that He, in all His holiness and righteousness and perfection would send His holy, righteous, perfect Son to take on our punishment? How can we do anything but praise Him wholly and for always in response?

I guess that's all I've got for today.

Me off.

Some of the Many Thoughts in My Soul

And the contemplations of my soul are as such:

I really could use an all out vent. However, being that other people read this sometimes. Or at the very least they have the access to, much of my thoughts must either be crypted or kept entirely to myself.

I really don't understand the place that I'm at in life at all right now. But its brought me a dependence on Jesus that's deeper than I've had before. Its like what Joyce Meyer said in the ISOM video we watched yesterday... We might not have the answers, but God does. And we know God.

My heart is doing better since my last post. But its still got a ways to go. God's working so much out in me. Things that I based my very foundation of life on are being shaken and called into question. It reminds me alot of the story of the wise man and foolish man who built houses. I think I fall somewhere between the two of them. And God wants to bring me to the point where my foundation isn't half on the rock and half on the sand, but fully on the Rock. In order to do that, you have to remove the part of the foundation that is/was on the sand and shift the entire house so that it sets completely on the rock. Its kind of a life jostling experience. Its hard. Its painful. Its confusing. But I fully believe that when its over God will have done something so amazing.

Humility becomes a huge factor in this whole process too. Because in order to have your foundation shifted, you have to admit that you were built on the wrong foundation to begin with.

I'm being sifted, shaken, refined, and tested. But I can only believe that it is so that Jesus can be poured out of me in a more pure form. I've messed up. I've failed people. I've failed myself. But at the same time, through out this whole process; in spite of totally screwing up half the time (or more), God has used me. I can't tell you how many opportunities He's given me to minister to people lately. Even just in little ways. I love it. Honestly, even if there were no other reason for me to go through this, the fact that I am given the priviledge of pouring into other people and being able to walk with them through things and relate to what they're saying is enough for me. I might have times where that isn't enough of a reason to satisfy me, but when it all comes down to it, it is. Because for Jesus to be manifest through me is one of the most important things to me.

One of my most earnest prayers is that, no matter the outcome of certain situations, I would be able to come out on the other side and be able to say that I walked in that situation righteously. That I handled things as God would have me to. Yes, I know I've already messed up. But, praise Jesus, there's grace for that.

I think that's about all I got for today. I know it was kind of hap-hazard and random. But it happens sometimes.

Me off.