Some of the Many Thoughts in My Soul

And the contemplations of my soul are as such:

I really could use an all out vent. However, being that other people read this sometimes. Or at the very least they have the access to, much of my thoughts must either be crypted or kept entirely to myself.

I really don't understand the place that I'm at in life at all right now. But its brought me a dependence on Jesus that's deeper than I've had before. Its like what Joyce Meyer said in the ISOM video we watched yesterday... We might not have the answers, but God does. And we know God.

My heart is doing better since my last post. But its still got a ways to go. God's working so much out in me. Things that I based my very foundation of life on are being shaken and called into question. It reminds me alot of the story of the wise man and foolish man who built houses. I think I fall somewhere between the two of them. And God wants to bring me to the point where my foundation isn't half on the rock and half on the sand, but fully on the Rock. In order to do that, you have to remove the part of the foundation that is/was on the sand and shift the entire house so that it sets completely on the rock. Its kind of a life jostling experience. Its hard. Its painful. Its confusing. But I fully believe that when its over God will have done something so amazing.

Humility becomes a huge factor in this whole process too. Because in order to have your foundation shifted, you have to admit that you were built on the wrong foundation to begin with.

I'm being sifted, shaken, refined, and tested. But I can only believe that it is so that Jesus can be poured out of me in a more pure form. I've messed up. I've failed people. I've failed myself. But at the same time, through out this whole process; in spite of totally screwing up half the time (or more), God has used me. I can't tell you how many opportunities He's given me to minister to people lately. Even just in little ways. I love it. Honestly, even if there were no other reason for me to go through this, the fact that I am given the priviledge of pouring into other people and being able to walk with them through things and relate to what they're saying is enough for me. I might have times where that isn't enough of a reason to satisfy me, but when it all comes down to it, it is. Because for Jesus to be manifest through me is one of the most important things to me.

One of my most earnest prayers is that, no matter the outcome of certain situations, I would be able to come out on the other side and be able to say that I walked in that situation righteously. That I handled things as God would have me to. Yes, I know I've already messed up. But, praise Jesus, there's grace for that.

I think that's about all I got for today. I know it was kind of hap-hazard and random. But it happens sometimes.

Me off.