Car trouble has a unique way of driving me to the point of complete, unmitigated frustration. And, in turn, driving me deeper in dependence on Jesus. My conversation with Him yesterday when something along the lines (although not exactly) of this:
Me - (starting towards the middle of my rant) God, I'm really trying to trust you with everything. And I do. But I don't understand. Why is this happening?? Why does it seem that my life is falling apart? I don't mean to question You, but this is where I'm at. I know You're going to provide, so why is it so hard to trust you? I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of everything being sucky all the time. I can't do it anymore. I just want to come and be with You.
God - Are you done now?
Me - Yeah... I think so.
God - Ok. I'm right here. I always have been. Right by you. Its going to be ok.
Me - But God, I just don't know what to do with this right now. Should I continue to put money into repairing this car? Should I just give up on it and try to buy a new one? I don't know! I don't know what the right thing to do is...
God - Its ok, I'm going to provide.
Me - But what if I make the wrong decision?
God - That's ok. I'm still going to provide. Erin, My grace covers your mistakes. That means that when you do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing or choose the wrong thing, you still get My blessing. So if you choose to keep this car and fix it, I'm going to provide you with the means to do so. If you choose to take another road, I'll provide for that too. I've got you covered. There are consequences. For instance, it may be less expensive for you to choose one thing over another. And one road may be more difficult that another. But, regardless, I am there. I am with you. Nothing you can do will ever change that.
Me- Oh. I see.
God - Yes.
Me - I do worry sometimes, though. What if I can't pay for internship? Or for my phone? Or for all of the other things I'm responsible for? What if I end up with nothing. I thought You called me to internship... would I really have to sacrifice that?
God - If I called you to it, I will provide for you to continue it. Erin, I really just want you to be in a place where you're content if all you have in life is Me. If all your dreams and plans fail; whether that be the intership, St. Louis, [un-named desire], to be a mother... any of it. Disappointment is natural. But I want you to be content and satisfied with and in Me.
Me - Hmm. I think I would be... But can we please not put that to the test. I really don't want to be homeless if it can be avoided
God - *laughs* Well, regardless, I will provide.
And I think I'm going to stop there. God has such a way of calming my soul when its in turmoil. I do love Him so much.
Below are the lyrics to a song that pretty much expresses my soul in a certain situation right now. There are several songs that are speaking to my soul, actually. Like "Stronger" by Hillsong and "Foot of the Cross" by Kathryn Scott. Anyway. That's where I'm at right now. I could use prayer largely.
Me off.
"Love is Not a Fight" By Warren Barfield
Love is not a place
to come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
then commit to never leave
So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
Work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees
Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for
To some love is a word
that they can fall into.
But when they're falling out
keeping that word is hard to do
Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
but demand we give our all
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