My heart is finally healing. I know this may seem odd, because its probably appeared as though its been healed. But it has been wounded for quite a while. I just kinda bury it. Mostly because I'm tired of hurting, so I tell myself I'm not. But I think the days for that are past. Or at least passing.
God deals with me in the oddest time frames. I suppose that's why its His timing, not mine. I expect Him to work and move when I'm sitting in devotions or in church. Or when I'm somehow doing something that I consider to be "holy". I should stop putting my expectations on God. Cause He always does things in me at my least "holy" moments.
A couple nights ago at work, I was listening to Secondhand Serenade on my iPod after my client had gone to bed (a distinctly secular band). And God just started showing me that I had been cutting my wounds open repeatedly. That it wasn't so much that other people continually hurt me, but that I was keeping the pain there myself. Yes, the wounds originated from others, but I kept them there. Why? Because I figured (figure) that if I can keep hurting, then I won't forget that pain and therefore won't be as surprised or devestated when/if said people hurt me again in the same way as before. Forgetting of course that there's a whole God factor to this that says that as long as I follow Him, bring my worries to Him and praise Him, then His peace will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. The part I have to play in guarding my heart is to bring my concerns to Him and not hold onto them. The part He plays is in the actual protecting of my heart with His peace.
Its funny, cause for some reason this all reminds me of a time many moons ago when I was about 17. I had alot of walls in me. And I mean alot. I blocked people out by being hard and spiky. Sarcasm flowed from me like Niagra Falls and I tried to block all emotion so that I wouldn't have to acknowledge that I was, in reality, a fairly soft person inside.
I was at a friends house and it was Summer time. Part of what I used as a defense was being extremely stubborn. Even about stupid things. I think it made me feel like I had some measure of control over my life. Which of course, I didn't. But one of those things was that I refused to go swimming when my friends would. So they decided that they wanted to get me wet. Which of course was not something I was going to willingly consent to.
It started with them chasing me down with water balloons. I ran. Fast. They didn't get me. This was a feat I was rather proud of seeing as I outran my one friend who was over 6 feet tall. I walked back to the house, satisfied that they had used up all their water balloons and not one had made contact with me. I'm not gonna lie, I was kinda smug about it. If we were looking at the issues of my heart, it was definitely a victory over being able to keep my defenses up. I was proud because they weren't able to penetrate my wall of stubborness. Which was something that was blocking me from the healing and openess that God wanted in me. These walls were things He had been talking to me about for a long time, but I was avoiding because of fear. Definitely a stronghold. As I was walking up the driveway was when the strangest thing I've ever experienced happened.
I was smiling, gloating. Then time slowed down. Everything after this point I remember in slo mo. I see the devilish grins of surprise spread across my friends' faces. I turn to see what their looking at and there, to my right was my friend's brother, J, with a big bucket of water. I froze. I wanted to run, but I couldn't. And I mean I literally couldn't. I looked above J's head and, even though I couldn't physically see anything, I'm telling you there was something there. I'm gonna guess it was an angel... or something. But it was big. And in my spirit I heard, almost as if I could physically hear, "Don't move. Don't you dare move." It spoke with more authority than I have ever heard before or since. But it wasn't speaking to me, it was speaking to whatever was in me. And I couldn't move.
It sounds silly, because why would this event of me being doused with water be of any significance? Even now, I don't fully understand why this was so monumental. But as I stood there, everything moving slowly around me, J threw the entire bucket of water. It hit me full on front. But the strange thing is, it didn't stop at my body. I felt it go through my spirit to my heart. Then all I can say to compare what happened inside of me is, you know in the Lord of the Rings when the tree ents break the dam and all the water comes flooding in demolishing Isengard? That's what happened to the walls of stubborness in me. I felt it all just crumbling. All of my defenses. All of my walls. Just gone. I stood kind of dazed for a minute. Time resumed its normal pace, but I wasn't sure what to do. I wasn't mad. I was in a sort of shock. But that was how God worked in me then. Yeah, it took work to recover the damage and rebuild in a godly way...
I know its really weird sounding. But I guess all that is to say that God isn't able to be boxed in. The end.
Me off.
God deals with me in the oddest time frames. I suppose that's why its His timing, not mine. I expect Him to work and move when I'm sitting in devotions or in church. Or when I'm somehow doing something that I consider to be "holy". I should stop putting my expectations on God. Cause He always does things in me at my least "holy" moments.
A couple nights ago at work, I was listening to Secondhand Serenade on my iPod after my client had gone to bed (a distinctly secular band). And God just started showing me that I had been cutting my wounds open repeatedly. That it wasn't so much that other people continually hurt me, but that I was keeping the pain there myself. Yes, the wounds originated from others, but I kept them there. Why? Because I figured (figure) that if I can keep hurting, then I won't forget that pain and therefore won't be as surprised or devestated when/if said people hurt me again in the same way as before. Forgetting of course that there's a whole God factor to this that says that as long as I follow Him, bring my worries to Him and praise Him, then His peace will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. The part I have to play in guarding my heart is to bring my concerns to Him and not hold onto them. The part He plays is in the actual protecting of my heart with His peace.
Its funny, cause for some reason this all reminds me of a time many moons ago when I was about 17. I had alot of walls in me. And I mean alot. I blocked people out by being hard and spiky. Sarcasm flowed from me like Niagra Falls and I tried to block all emotion so that I wouldn't have to acknowledge that I was, in reality, a fairly soft person inside.
I was at a friends house and it was Summer time. Part of what I used as a defense was being extremely stubborn. Even about stupid things. I think it made me feel like I had some measure of control over my life. Which of course, I didn't. But one of those things was that I refused to go swimming when my friends would. So they decided that they wanted to get me wet. Which of course was not something I was going to willingly consent to.
It started with them chasing me down with water balloons. I ran. Fast. They didn't get me. This was a feat I was rather proud of seeing as I outran my one friend who was over 6 feet tall. I walked back to the house, satisfied that they had used up all their water balloons and not one had made contact with me. I'm not gonna lie, I was kinda smug about it. If we were looking at the issues of my heart, it was definitely a victory over being able to keep my defenses up. I was proud because they weren't able to penetrate my wall of stubborness. Which was something that was blocking me from the healing and openess that God wanted in me. These walls were things He had been talking to me about for a long time, but I was avoiding because of fear. Definitely a stronghold. As I was walking up the driveway was when the strangest thing I've ever experienced happened.
I was smiling, gloating. Then time slowed down. Everything after this point I remember in slo mo. I see the devilish grins of surprise spread across my friends' faces. I turn to see what their looking at and there, to my right was my friend's brother, J, with a big bucket of water. I froze. I wanted to run, but I couldn't. And I mean I literally couldn't. I looked above J's head and, even though I couldn't physically see anything, I'm telling you there was something there. I'm gonna guess it was an angel... or something. But it was big. And in my spirit I heard, almost as if I could physically hear, "Don't move. Don't you dare move." It spoke with more authority than I have ever heard before or since. But it wasn't speaking to me, it was speaking to whatever was in me. And I couldn't move.
It sounds silly, because why would this event of me being doused with water be of any significance? Even now, I don't fully understand why this was so monumental. But as I stood there, everything moving slowly around me, J threw the entire bucket of water. It hit me full on front. But the strange thing is, it didn't stop at my body. I felt it go through my spirit to my heart. Then all I can say to compare what happened inside of me is, you know in the Lord of the Rings when the tree ents break the dam and all the water comes flooding in demolishing Isengard? That's what happened to the walls of stubborness in me. I felt it all just crumbling. All of my defenses. All of my walls. Just gone. I stood kind of dazed for a minute. Time resumed its normal pace, but I wasn't sure what to do. I wasn't mad. I was in a sort of shock. But that was how God worked in me then. Yeah, it took work to recover the damage and rebuild in a godly way...
I know its really weird sounding. But I guess all that is to say that God isn't able to be boxed in. The end.
Me off.
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