Puppy

This puppy... I want it. Its up for adoption in the area. But, to my dismay, it will get too big for the apartment I'm moving into. Some day...

Needles and New Music

Current delight: having new songs on my iPod. Jason Walker, Calvin Harris, Jason Aldean and Eagles have all been added. I quite enjoy this.

So I went in to get my Hep. A shot today. It is a requirement for volunteering at the Dream Center. While there I also ended up getting my tetanus shot because it was inexpensive and the Dream Center, while not requiring it, desires it to exist in my system. I don't do well with needles. At all. Anxiety has plagued me on and off all week for this. It was very good that I had a really nice nurse who didn't judge me for being very obviously nervous. At least she didn't judge me outwardly. Following this experience I have decided that the likelyhood of me ever getting a tattoo has drastically plumetted.

Random thought for the day: I got new socks! Cause I know you wanted to know.

Me off.

The Countdown

This quite possibly is the most insane my life has ever been. And yet, the effects are not revealing themselves to me as of yet. I should probably be in a frenzied hurry trying to pack not only for St. Louis (leaving in less than 2 weeks!), but to move out on Saturday. But I'm not. Its alot of change at once, which is typically rather difficult for me to acclimate to. However, I feel abnormally peaceful about it all. Not that this is a negative thing. Quite the opposite.

It rather amuses me that the times that are most chaotic and confusing are the times that God gives the most peace. Its contradictory, yet very clearly a Kingdom principle, if you live by such things. I get the feelign that He's up to something. Though exactly what isn't very clear to me right now. But then, when is it ever.

I purchased a leather bracelet a few weeks back and imprinted on it is the phrase "not all those who wander are lost". This phrase has always connected with my heart on a deep level. It comes from a poem from The Lord of the Rings (go ahead, make fun of my nerdiness). The full poem goes "All that is gold does not glitter; Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not whither; Deep roots are not reached by the frost; From ashes a fire shall be woken; A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken; The crownless again shall be king." (I may or may not have typed that from memory....) But that specific phrase is significant to me because it expresses perfectly how I feel my life is panning out.

On the outside, it tends to appear that I don't really have much direction. I mean, I work a job that is very clearly not going anywhere. I don't have much further education past highschool and I don't really intend to pursue such. By most standards, I don't have much going for me. It appears as though I'm wandering through life somewhat directionless. But God showed me a few years ago that's how its going to be. But that doesn't mean that I am directionless. He has a direction that He's leading me, but He's just not going to show it to me all right now. Actually, this seems to be the way He operates with alot of people. Its step by step. He'll show me the next step He wants me to take when it comes to me.

I'm quite excited about going to St. Louis. It took forever for me to get the time off approved from work, but I did :) I'll be gone for 3 weeks. I'm really excited to be involved in what's going on out there. And to see what God does. People are being rather amusing about it all though. There are those who think that I'm going to go out there and never come back except to collect my things and move there. Also, I've heard people say that I may meet whomever I'm going to marry out there. Both of these thoughts are just silly to me right now though. Well, the one about meeting my husband is just sill all together. I refuse to do so, its too cliche. I have no interest in having to tell people that I met him while on a mission trip. And, while the idea of living there has a large amount of appeal to me, I don't think that's going to be happening right away. I know God still has things for me here. So yalls are stuck with me a bit longer :P

Anyway, to end this on a really awkward note, my brother told me today that I should become a surrogate mother to earn extra money.

Me off.

Websites

I've added a section for recommended websites on this page. There's some pretty sweet ones there. Just sayin.

Me off.

Rebel

Something God showed me today: the only time my heart is truly not safe is when it is in rebellion to Him.

Silly Band

Marriage of Food?

So I have found myself wondering why I ever ate cereal singularly. It is so much more delicious when its mixed together. This is Special K and Fruit-in-the-Middle Frosted Mini Wheats. I think my next endeavor shall include Reeses Puffs in some way.
Me off.

'Raffes

testing to see if this works. sarah may have provided answers. anyway, this is my fish. Lord Florence Crapagin

The Fictional Story of Kyle

This is a story I wrote a while ago. I actually think I wrote the majority of it while sitting in church... I was paying attention real good that day... No name for it currently.. and I have no idea who "Kyle" is.


One Wednesday morning as I woke up and went about my morning routine, I was interrupted by a sharp knock at the door. Wanting to enjoy my coffee, and thinking that it was probably just an early morning salesman, I ignored it. But the knocking persisted. So I finally got up. When I opened the door I felt a wave of, first, shock, and then guilt. There before my eyes, on my front step, stood Jesus.

I was so shocked that I could only stand there gaping. Finally I gained enough composure and invited Him in. I served Him coffee, not knowing what else to do. Soon enough my curiosity over took me, "Lord, why did you choose to come to my house today?"
"Kyle," He replied, "I came because I love you and I want to see first-hand how you go about your day."

If anything is slightly unnerving its having the Lord of everything following you throughout your day. I tried my best to do what was right. I pulled out my Bible for the first time in months. But as I was reading it, I looked up at Jesus and saw a trickle of blood run down His cheek. I wondered at what it could be, but was too embarrased to ask.

I left for work, going about my routine. Jesus came with me wherever I went. Still trying my best to meet His standards. I did pretty good, in my outlook anywa. I only grumbled about my boss a couple times. The whole day Jesus just sat by quietly without a word.

We got in the car to go home when the work day was over. Jesus still hadn't said anything. I looked over at Him and saw that the trickle of blood was still there, but it looked as though it was also joined by cuts on His back and leg.

When I got home, I wanted to read the newspaper. So I asked Him if that was ok. When He didn't reply, only watching me, I sat down with my paper. I read about wars, abuse and all kinds of other horrible things that put fear in my heart.

After reading the paper I got ready for Wednesday night church. During the service I raised my hands in worship, I bowed down. I took notes on the sermon. It was then that I saw that Jesus was bleeding profusely. No longer were there small scratches. He had blood pouring from His forehead, His shirt was sticking to His back, there were large holes in His hands and feet. There was so much blood I knew He would die if I didn't do something.
I leaned over in the pew and asked, "Jesus, why are you bleeding?"

His reply was only the second thing He said to me all day, but it was th emost profound thing I have ever heard.

He said, "Kyle, these wounds have been growing in numbers all day. One was added for each wrong thing you did. When you grumbled about your boss at work, when you angrily honked at the man in the car in front of you. These things you knew were wrong. What you don't know is that a wound was added when you allowed fear into your heart from readin the paper. When you read your Bible this morning, yes, even then, another wound was added. Your heart was not yearning for Me when you picked it up. You chose to read only because you felt obligated and guilty. When you went to church today and rose your hands, I was again hurt by your insincerity. You see, if you really loved Me, instead of reading your Bible out of duty this morning, you would have been so thrilled by My presence that you would have wanted only to talk to Me. If you would have done that, I could have shown you life with in the pages of My Word. Instead of raising your hands in service, you would have hugged Me and kissed My feet. With each of your actions - the ones that were wrong and the oens that were right but done with the wrong position of the heart - another wound was added to Me. So many of My people don't understand this. I don't want you to seek My Word, I want you to seek Me. I don't want you to chase after what I have to offer, I want you to chase Me for who I am. Kyle, so often what you do is motivated by obligation and duty. When will it be driven by love? Because unless love for Me is your reason, I don't want you to do it."

I found myself bowed, weeping on the floor. When I looked up, Jesus wasn't there anymore, but I heard a still, small voice whisper, "Kyle, I love you."

Hi

I'm waiting to wake up and find this is all just an awful nightmare...

Beautiful Courage

This is something I wrote a really long time ago, I can't really remember when... But it's probably one of my favorites. I don't really know what type of writing its classified under, but I used to do alot of writing like this.

Beautiful Courage
It takes more courage to be beautiful than it does to be ugly.

The terms "beautiful" and "ugly" really have nothing to do with physical appearance. Even in this world today they aren't often used to describe how someone looks. If you want to say that someone looks good today, you use words like, "hot", "sexy" or "cute". And the word "ugly" is generally considered offensive, so we resort to milder terms in reference to physical appearance. We will, however, use "ugly" to describe someone's behavior or attitude. But when someone says the words, "beautiful" or "ugly" it generally is referring to something deeper than just someone's face. In relationships a guy doesn't usually call a girl beautiful until the relationship has progressed to a certain point. Is it because her appearance has changed significantly to move from "hot" to "beautiful"? No, she probably looks generally the same as she did when they met. The reason he chooses to call her beautiful now is because he sees in her something deeper than he did before. He is using the term "beautiful" to describe all of her… who she is.

For a female, hearing the world beautiful in relation to her strikes an emotional core deeper than almost anything else can reach. This word, I believe, when used causes us to feel two different emotions at the same time. The first emotion we feel is the classic, warm, fuzzy, love. When we feel loved by someone, it makes us love them more. We feel safe; protected. But the second emotion we feel is fear. Fear that wonders if we will be able to do what it takes to continue earning that title? Or will we fail, fall short and thus be rejected? Essentially, its personal insecurity.

However, often times this insecurity is based on other insecurities. As a general rule, people tend to hide who they really are. Some hide more than others, but all hide. Whether they are hiding their whole personality and conforming to the world around them because they want others to like them or if they are only hiding a little piece of them… a desire, or a preference, they all hide. Most people hide needs. We don't want people to see our needs because we fear they will be viewed as weakness. The deeper the need, the more likely we are to hide it, and the more careful we are about making sure that nobody will ever see that it exists. This is why the most commonly hidden need is the need for love and acceptance. The need to feel loved is the deepest of all needs. But what we fail to realize is that we were created to need. God made our bodies to need food and water. But He also made our spirits to need love. There was a very specific reason for this. If we didn't need love, we wouldn't pursue Him (and all humans are pursuing Him in one form or another, but that's a different discussion for a different time).

But even though we do hide, we don't want to. We want to be able to fully expose ourselves as who we are, completely and be accepted for it. We want people to like us for who we are… not who or what we pretend to be. This is why when someone calls a girl beautiful, she feels fear. The subconscious thought process that goes through her head is something like, "He thinks I'm beautiful the way he sees me now. If I change that, he might not think I'm beautiful anymore. So I should keep putting up this mask so that he'll find me appealing." And so we continue to hide. Hiding causes us to hurt, because when we are accepted for our mask, we feel rejected for who we really are. But, of course, we can't show that hurt, so we hide it too.
Girls fear being called beautiful because they think that they are not. Yes, we will take our physical appearance and criticize it…but its often deeper than that. We could see a twin of us and not think they were not pretty… but the reason we think ourselves to be unappealing is because we see the ugly side of who we are. We see ourselves for our all. We doubt that if somebody else saw and knew everything about who we are, they wouldn't accept us because its not attractive.

This is the part where we become a bit confused. The fact of the matter is, we all have these shortcomings. All of us… not even just females. But we don't understand that they only way we can overcome our faults is to let them come to surface and deal with them. Its like when gold is being purified. You can't see the dirt and imperfection while the gold is solid. But when you melt it down (a painful process I would imagine), the dirt comes to the surface and only when its visible to the world can it be skimmed out. I'm sure so many of you have heard that analogy so many times before. But take a minute and think about it. What is that thing, that sin, that hurt or fear even that you keep buried inside of you? What is that insecurity? What part of you are you hiding? See, we like to go through "selective melting". We only let God melt down and get rid of the stuff we think would be somewhat easy to get rid of. Its like melting only the outer part of a chunk of gold. But the really dirty stuff is down deep. It takes time and perseverance to get rid of that dirt. Because not only is it hidden in a place that we protect the most, but it takes longer to get to the core than it does to get rid of dirt that's buried closer to the surface. It takes more intense heat, more time, more energy and a lot more patience. You have to just stick it out. Determine beforehand that you're gonna stick it out.

In the Bible it talks about us being tested by fire. Whatever survives the fire is quality and is precious.

The thing I've found is this. When you allow yourself to be real… to be completely and wholly you… flaws and all. When you're willing to admit where you fall short, no matter how embarrassing it is, that's when the people that matter most love you the most.

Its sort of like… you have to admit you're ugly before you can become beautiful. Its one of life's many seemingly contradictions. It doesn't make any sense, really. But that's how it is. It's a struggle. I'd love to say there's a cookie cutter answer for everyone to be able to overcome their fear and insecurity… but there's not. Everyone is different… therefore there's a different way that they conquer fear. The one quality that is constant, however, is courage. You gotta be able to not turn back half way through. Sometimes… oftentimes, you're going to come across things in yourself that you didn't even know were there and are usually uglier than you thought could exist. But you gotta work past it and let that surface too.

Now by surface I don't necessarily mean tell everyone about your flaws and say "accept me now." But I do mean that you need to let them come to surface instead of suppressing and hiding them. If you have a good circle of friends (or even just one good friend), someone you know won't leave you no matter what… then you can be more willing or open to literally talk about stuff with them than you would others obviously. The Bible says iron sharpens iron. They're iron, you're iron… let them help you overcome insecurities as you help them too. Sometimes, though, the things that need to surface need to come to surface only between you and God. Those, I think, are some of the hardest times you'll ever go through. But its those times that build your trust and dependence on Him.

That's why it takes more courage to be beautiful than it does to be ugly. To be ugly requires only that you stay the way you are now. To be beautiful requires you to, with the help of Jesus, face yourself, fight yourself, kill yourself and allow Jesus to live through you...

Flashback Central

All I have to say is that I've spent a fairly significant amount of time on this website remembering the days of Discovery Zone, BookIt, Jezzball, MegaMan and so much more of the wonderful things from my childhood. Go see.

Me off.

Hit or Miss in the Apeture of the Wilderness

Yearbook EP - July is finally out! I've been waiting all day!

Wilderness
Dear wilderness, be at your best
Her armor is thin as the fabric of her dress
I know the rules: the weaker trees bend
But make her immune
When your temper storms in

When she gains her balance
Be as still as you can be
When she's climbing branches
Be the feathers underneath

When she regains her balance
Be as steady as she needs
When she trusts you blindly
Be her worthy lock and key

Though it goes against
Every grain of your sand
Like turning wolves
Into lambs
Be your best for her
Your best for her

When she holds her balance
Be as gentle as she needs
When she shines her brightest
Let no dark cloud intervene


Hit or Miss
Hurry hurry up and wait
Is how the waiting game is played
A thousand moving parts keep score
Inside we watch we can't ignore

So let's hurry
Let's hurry up and wait

Much too tired to try
Much too stubborn to quit
On an island in between
The coasts of hit or miss
Are we settlers or are we natives of this land
Only time will tell
On which pedestal we were meant to stand

So let's hurry, let's hurry up and wait
So lett's hurry, let's hurry, hurry up and wait

Every cloud above's full of splattered paint
Every seed below lies patiently in wait
But a watched kettle never boils
A watched tree never grows
May we have our tea in the forest
May we reap all that we sow

So let's hurry, so let's hurry hurry up and wait
So let's hurry, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up and wait


Apeture
Happiness is somewhere I have been before
A blurry photograph that I have since ignored
I'll carefully adjust the apeture once more
Until I set the record straight

I'll brush aside the dim make room for the bright
I'll be an editor, no, a curator of light
I'll let my better angels always set me right
Until I even out the score
Until I even out the score

God it has been quite a year
I've lived a little bit and I've died a little more
I know that I've asked it before
But please let the scale tip here in my favor

What was once the sweetest melody I've heard
Is now a memory reduced to little words
I'll tune the orchestra and play the overture
Until I pinpoint every note

Give me the heart of an archeologist
That I may dig until I prove that I exist
A subterranean cathedral in my midst
Where echos come to rest
Where echos come to rest
Is this where echos come to rest?

God it has been quite a year
I've lived a little bit and I've died a little more
I know that I've asked it before
But please let the scale tip here in my favor

Until I set the record straight
Until I set the record straight
Until I can set the record straight.