Please

Pray for my heart... its not well.

Refining Fire

So I hadn't seen a giraffe for a while.. but I think I'm making up for lost time. I've seen multiple giraffes each of the past few days. In various locations. Like on a blanket... a picture in a random place... etc.

But anyway.

This has been one of the most intense summers I've experienced. Outwardly it would seem to be uneventful, but if you look below the surface, there was alot. Especially in what God has been teaching me. He's been showing me things in almost every circumstance. Which, to me, is amazing. Because I have felt like He's been mostly silent lately so to have this kind of communication with Him again is like life after death. Come to think of it, maybe that's exactly what it is.

A few days ago I made a list of everything that I've learned this summer. Just because I never want to forget it. I've decided to post parts of that list.

1. God is good. Regardless of our pain. Regardless of our circumstance. His goodness does not change based on human action, inaction, circumstance or emotion. That's kinda part of what makes Him God. We don't have the power to change Him. Therefore, He is good. And I have to trust that goodness. Trust that He knows.

2. Its better to give things to God when He asks you to. Even if you really don't want to. Its alot harder when you realize that you have to choose between that thing and God because you've allowed it to hold such a high position that it is actually competing for the throne of your heart. Bad plan. It hurts bad. So just release when you first sense God prompting you to. It lessens the pain. And who knows, He may bring that thing back around.

3. God restores your heart. Always.

4. This is one of the most treasured things I've learned and clung to. Hosea 2:14-15 "Behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. I will give her vinyards from there, and the Valley of Achor as a door of hope. She shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt."
This verse has been the theme of my entire summer. Basically what it is saying is this; God is going to draw you into the wilderness. A place where all else is stripped away. There is nothing but you and Him. Its going to be painful, dry, thirsty, hungry... That's how it is. Once you're there; once all else is gone and all you can do is turn and look to Him, He will speak comfort to you. From there, He will give you vinyards... fruitfulness. From that place, you will bear fruit. He will give you the Valley of Achor; the Valley of Trouble as a door of hope. Hope that you can walk through and, through your testimony, so can others. And through that place He will bring you to a place of rejoicing and joy again.

5. God is the only sure foundation. Family will fail you. Friends will fail you. You will fail you. God will not.

6. The refining fire really is a fire. It burns, but through it you are purified. And I'd rather endure that fire now than hell fire later.

7. Our hearts were designed to be filled by an eternal being. Anything less will not satisfy. Expecting carnal things and people to fill that puts way too much pressure on them.

8. I do not have a weak God. His love is strong. Nothing can stand against it.

9. We were never meant to be entertained. We were created to be delighted and delighted in. So why settle for being entertained or amused?

10. Being offended blocks love. Forgiveness clears the path.

11. The difference between a wise man and a fool is that the wise man knows he is a fool.

And that about sums up the main points. I can't wait to see where God takes me next. What He's going to show me. Pray for me though. Because the battle is still raging. Its hard for me sometimes. Alot of times. But I have Jesus. So I'm good.

I love you alls alot!!!!

Me off.

A Gray Area of My Mind

So I've been going through the book "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers and I have to say that it is rather insightful.

The past couple days have been about the Rich Young Ruler. Yesterday's entry (and today's quote) said the following: "I can be so rich in my own poverty, or in the awareness of the fact that I am nobody, that I will never be a disciple of Jesus. Or I can be so rich in the awareness that I am somebody that I will never be a disciple. Am I willing to be destitute and poor even in my sense of awareness of my destitution and poverty? If not, that is why I become discouraged. Discouragement is disillusioned self-love, and self-love may be love for my devotion to Jesus - not love for Jesus Himself."

This concept is one I've wrestled with on and off for a while. How much consideration should one give oneself? Where is the line between taking care of oneself and being self absorbed? Do we have any rights as humans at all? Or do we surrender all of those rights when we become Christians? Where's the line between serving and people walking on you? Where's the line between sacrifice and being mistreated? Where do you put your foot down? Is it right to even expect people, especially other Christians, to treat you with some amount of respect? Or should you hold no expectations at all?

I've caught myself saying lately to God and myself, "I'm a human being, beyond that, I'm a child of God, there is no good reason he/she should be treating me like this!" And then God always gently prompts my spirit and reminds me that Jesus was the Son of God... and look how they treated Him. We're supposed to follow in His footsteps right?

But at the same time, we're not supposed to roll over and play dead. Our love is supposed to be a strong love.

I wish I had an answer for all of these questions mulling around in my head. If anyone does, I would love to hear it. In the meantime, I shall continue to try and find a balance on my own... searching the Bible for some sort of insight into this matter which has so puzzled my mind.

Me off.

Of Dreams and Busy Days

I dreamed about a giraffe last night. I don't know if it counts... I think it does.

Off to a crazy day. Working from 8:30 this morning pretty much straight through 8:15 tomorrow morning. With a couple breaks. I'll post a quote later today by text.

Me off.

"Pay my respects to grace and virtue; send my condolences to good; give my regards to soul and romance; they always did the best they could..." - The Killers

Effed Up (Not Recommended for Small Children.... or Dogs)

Disclaimer: I refuse to admit that the following is simply cynicism. However, were I to admit such, I would tell you that it is really just cynicism and nothing more than a coping mechanism. But I am not admitting to such and therefore the following should be considered true... maybe.

I deliberated much over what to title this blog entry. I can tell you that many wonderful things came to mind... but I was so thoroughly amused by this title (well, actually, the title I originally thought of was much more amusing to me, but this one is more acceptable.) that I really couldn't escape it. And after being seperately advised by 2 people, the title is as such.



Romance does not exist.

Its a true fact. There is not a relationship on this planet where the people involved want to genuinely seek, pursue and win another person's heart simply because they love who that person is. Nope. People just want sex.

Now, perhaps in a relationship one of the people will want to win the other's heart... but the other always just wants sex.

For the people who are waiting 'til they get married to have sex this is probably even more true because... well, since they haven't gotten any, they really want sex.

It is possible for a relationship to start out with both people pursuing each other for who they are... but ultimately at some point it comes down to them wanting sex.

Some people will put on a romantic facade... but its just so they can get sex.

I think I've said the word sex in this blog more than I ever have at one point in my life. I think Emily may appreciate this.

On that note, I will entirely contradict myself and post a text that Skylar sent out this morning as my...

Daily Quote: "It is the hardest thing to look at a person and love them for who they are at that moment. Not what they have to offer or how they affect you, but simply because it is what Jesus would do. It is possible only by the grace of the Holy Spirit, but invites God's will into their life."

Me off.

Be Prepared

I'm just saying, at some point, hopefully this week, the most eye opening blog will be posted here. You will be amazed as you read about the myths you have believed.




All of that being sarcasm... although, you really should read it when I post it because it will at the very least be entertaining.

Me off.

Irony?

I think Murphy's Law is out to get me. The past 3 days I haven't seen a giraffe. I think it may be soley because I created this thing and named it as such.

Daily Quote: "Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are." - Malcolm Forbes

Today is my mom's surprise party. I think I may go crazy with getting things ready and trying to motivate unmotivated siblings.

In other news.... pray for me? I've been struggling with, well alot of things. I really don't have alot I feel like I can depend on as a constant in my life right now. And I've started having some anxiety attacks when it comes to certain things. Don't think they're going to continue for very long... but still. Not good. Can't wait for internship to start in 2 weeks... even if only for some routine and consistency.

Me off.

A Rare Giraffe-less Day

No giraffe sighting yesterday. Primarily because I was cooped up at the church all day so I didn't have much opportunity to see one.

Daily Quote: "Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." - Thomas Edison

I love it when my brother is home. For many reasons, but the reason I'm saying this now is because he's in the front room playing his guitar and worshipping. When he's here its like this almost all the time. There's a solidarity he brings with him. Its soothing.

I don't have much to say today. I have many thoughts. I'm still collecting them all though. So...

Me off.

Living into Ministry

I will expand on this topic and quote at a later time... when I have more time.

Giraffe sighting for Tuesday: TJ Max in Cleveland/Parma. Dog toy.

Daily Quote: "I have concluded that we never arrive at our calling; we only live into it. We never get there, and when we th ink we do, we invariably learn sooner or later that what we thought was the end is really just another beginning." - Rob Brendle

Me off.

The Purpose of This; Further Explained

So basically what I'm trying to do with this is give myself an outlet. I'm gonna try and update it daily with at least where I've seen giraffes and a daily quote (which I also send out over text every day). No promises, but I'm gonna try.

So yesterday I actually saw 2 giraffes. I was watching tv at work (don't worry, this is allowed) and there was a show that was giving tours of mansions. There was one mansion that had a giraffe head on display, much like some people have deer or bear heads. I think thus far, that is the most unique form in which I have seen them. The other giraffe was on Phineas and Ferb later on.

Daily Quote: "Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Me off.

Called to Ministry; The Leap... and an explanation on the giraffes.

Did you know that I've seen a giraffe pretty much every day now for about 3 weeks? Its weird. Today, I saw one on an advertisement paper. I can't remember what they were advertising (no, it wasn't Toys-R-Us).. but there was a giraffe there. And I don't look for them either. But whenever I see one... well its weird.

Anyway, onto the main purpose here. My thoughts have been wandering back to when I first realized I was called to ministry. And subsequently to conversations I had with Sarah about said call. Its really interesting. In observing the people that have been around me over the years, I've noticed a pattern of sorts.

Believe it or not, I've known alot of people who have laid claim to a call to ministry at one point or another. Alot being somewhere close to 30 or so people who have said this. How many of those people have followed through with that (or even continued on with their walk with the Lord)? Only a handful. And it breaks me. I don't like seeing people throw away their potential at the first sign of trouble... which is usually when I've seen people bail. So as I've been looking back at the process that has led me to where I am, and the different points in which I've seen people become discouraged in this call... I've decided that there are several things that anyone who is called to ministry will most likely face.

The following is up for discussion entirely and should by no means be considered an exact process or formula. This is simply my observations.

1. The Call - Pastor Jeff has been known to tell a story about his pastor who once said that if you could do anything else besides ministry and be happy, you should do it. The reason being, its hard. Also, if you're called to ministry, there really is no way to escape it. You can't imagine doing anything else with your life. Period.

Now, when you first receive the call, chances are you had dreams and aspirations aside from ministry. These do not instantly go away. They may never go away actually... I really don't know. But the call is kinda like being invited to a party. You feel important and wanted. You know, because of what you've been told, that its going to be hard work. But the reality of it just hasn't sunk in yet.

Usually at this point, you just know you're going to be a pastor. This is commonly because it is the first thing most poeple think of when they hear "ministry". And I am aware that for many people, they really are called to be a pastor. In my case, this was not so. And likewise in many other cases that I have seen.

2. The Testing - This is the hard part. This is where I've seen most people choose a different path.

There is going to come a point after you have been called when you will hit your first season of hardcore doubt and testing. This is going to be a time where you question if you really heard God right. If God was even speaking to you. Maybe this whole call thing was just in your head after all... You're really not cut out for ministry. You might question if you have what it takes... etc etc.

Also at this point I've found that often times this is coupled with a place where you realize that your other dreams and aspirations are still viable options. Now, you would be tempted to believe that you have God on the ministry side and the devil on the other side fighting for your future. And, yes, that may be the case. But I've found myself wondering lately if maybe neither option is wrong. If you choose to go down the "other" path, maybe its God's way of saying "Hey, I want you to do this. I have this amazing plan for you in this calling. But I understand its a hard path. Its crammed full of trials, temptations, doubts, fears, insecurities and so many other things that you'll have to face. All while being held to a higher standard. So, this is your chance to choose something else." I fully believe that God would be with you if you did choose something else. He has plans for you regardless. But I also believe that the reward for following the call is greater than anything we could imagine.

So basically, you're looking at a fork in the road. One road leads to a relatively safe, normal life. The other leads straight to a cliff. But we'll get into that later. It is at this point; this fork, that you have a decision to make. Are you going to decide to step out on the fact that you know God has a plan for you in ministry (whatever kind of ministry that is... I'm not defining this term. I'm leaving it very open on purpose.) Or, you can choose to walk down a safer path.. still with God, still in His presence. But safer.

3. The Leap - Ok, so you decide you're going to trust what God said. If you do this, its vitally important that you go back to the time you first felt called. Remember what He said to you... and stick to it. Actually, the phrase "stick to it" doesn't say anywhere near enough. You basically need to fuse it to yourself.

At this point of deciding, the temptation and doubt that may cause you to go another direction will most likely be the most intense. You're going to feel a little (or alot) like you're about to jump off a cliff... or maybe like in The Emporer's New Groove:
Kuzco - "Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall."
Pacha - "Yup."
Kuzco - "Sharp rocks at the bottom?"
Pacha - "Most likely"
Kuzco - "Bring it on."
Hmm. I like his attitude. At this point, you just have to face the cliff, square your shoulders and jump. Take the leap. Commit yourself. Say to yourself, "No matter what happens, I'm sticking this out to the end. Because I know if I do, God's there." Pastor Jeff also compares commitment to jumping off a high dive.  You're not really committed til you have actually jumped. Cause at that point, there's no turning back.

And be prepared for the ride of your life. In preparation, you will probably have to face things that are in you that you didn't know existed. Oh is that fun (sarcasm). You will encounter increasingly more difficult people to get along with. And you'll have to deal with them in love. And, well, the list could go on and on. And of course, God's going to be customizing you for the specific ministry He wants you to do. So that could mean any myriad of things will be coming your way.

But, on the other side of it, the reward is beyond what you can imagine. When you pray with someone to meet Jesus for the first time... When you see someone's life changed because you stepped out. Its indescribable.


I'll tell you what... for all the doubt you're going to encounter along the way, the other cliffs you're going to come across (oh yeah, did I tell you? It doesn't just stop at the first one. But trusting God gets easier along the way), for the opposition that you're going to face, for the failed atttempts, for the apathy that you have to push through (you're going to most likely hit a point where you just don't care anymore... and you have to anyway)... Its worth it. I can hands down say that you will never have a better experience in life than knowing that you're walking in exactly what God has for you.

Oh, a couple more things. In the beginning, you probably won't be so sure about the call (hence the doubt), but as time goes on, if you choose to keep leaping and trusting, your faith in what God told you will continually solidify. So just keep sticking it out.

Also, don't be surprised if, as you go along, you become less sure about what it is you're exactly going to do. You just gotta keep walking. Stepping out, one foot at a time. And really, you'll find you're more content that way. Not having a plan. Because then you dont' have to worry about what's coming cause God has it all covered. You just walk in what He's laid out for you.

I could honestly go on for alot longer with my thoughts on all of this kind of stuff. But I think I should probably end now. I just figured I should create an outlet for it... besides my windshield. Sooo, on that note.

Me off.