Rambling On and On and On...

You know, I really wish I didn't belive that romance is a myth. But the more time goes on, the more I doubt its existance. Maybe its just because I'm surrounded by relationships that don't really exemplify it. Maybe its because I've never really experienced it for myself. I don't know. But I don't believe it. Love isn't real. Unless its from Jesus. And I know that human "love" is imperfect, but it just seems so flawed and so far from what its supposed to be to me that it can't even really be recognized as love. I don't know what it would be.

Our love for each other is so filled with ulterior motives and goals. It frustrates me. And, really, I'm not even sure what love is anymore. Besides from Jesus. I try to imitate His love, but I know I fail at it miserably. I hold on too tight for fear of loss... actually, any love I have is full of fear. I don't trust people at all. I trust them just about as far as my nose. And its something I'll work out. Jesus will work in me to heal my heart to the point where I think I'll be able to trust again. But I don't know that I'll really believe in love ever. Unless someone comes around who decides to prove me wrong. At the very bottom line, I don't believe real love exists for me.

I guess if I'm being honest, yes, I do believe that romance exists for very few people. I'm pretty sure the number of people who have found a true realtionship where romance and real love is given and received on both sides could be counted on my hands and feet. And out of 6 billion people on the planet, that's pretty pathetic. I think there's plenty of relationships where one person wants a genuine relationship, but often either the other person is just wanting sex, or the settled for something sub par to what they really wanted so there's a part of them that's bitter and wondering if they could have done better (even if its just a really small part of them). I've seen it. I see it. Its shoved in my face every day. I don't buy it.

And I refuse to settle for myself. Maybe I need to lower my standards a little bit. But I can't. I'd rather stay single for the rest of eternity than settle or end up in a situation similar to one I've seen blatently lately. I don't want to be settled for. My heart has had enough crap done to it, I don't need to be settled for only to find out after years of being married because the guy isn't happy. Heeeccck no.

I also can't be with anyone who isn't pursuing a call to ministry in some form or another. Just having a call doesn't really do much. Because (if you read in one of my first entries) there are plenty of people who have received a call and not many who have answered it. I have to be with someone who will I can partner with.

Its funny, I've discovered much about what I need when it comes to a guy this past year. Not usually through positive circumstances. But its interesting. I seriously hope that this discovery isn't simply to show that there is no guy in the world who is capable of meeting said criterion.

It doesn't help that I'm persistent. I think I need to not be so pig headed. But then, I kinda like being pig headed. If I'm being honest. Its funny cause I don't think many of the people I know now have really seen my stubborn side to its fullest. I've even been told lately by someone that they don't think I'm really that stubborn. I kind of take that as a compliment because that means I've been able to mellow out alot. If you only knew me way back when. It was ridiculous. But when it comes to certain things now, I'm impossible to move. Once I've set my mind on something, my course is set. It takes alot for me to really, fully set my self to a goal. But once I do, I don't give up. And it always gets fun when you add to the mix other stubborn personalities, whom shall remain un-named, who tend to put barriers between me and what I'm going for. Which is a rather amusing irony to me... But of course you wouldn't understand the irony of the statement because I'm fairly certain I'm the only one who really knows what I'm talking about.

Its fun. Lol.

My sister was going through these conversation starter things we have. They're really dumb.. but the one asked if I could see in to the future, what would I want to know. I really want to know if I'm going to get married, and if yes, who it will be. I know alot of people say that... and then ultimately when they think about it, they don't really want to know. Nope. I actually do. It would take alot of the stress out of things in life. And when I meet that person, it really wouldn't be weird for me. I would be completely fine with just letting things play out. I can deal with pretty much anything if I know either the exact outcome, or at least that the other person is committed to our friendship/relationship. Actually, that last sentence can be applied to any relationship I'm in.

I just don't do well with unknowns. Or at least with wishy-washy people who will be your friend one day and change their mind the next. I've had enough of that for a life time. I'm done. And I understand the whole some friendships are for a season thing and I can accept that just fine. But if you're going to be my friend. Be my friend. Don't be an idiot about it and don't change that status simply because of a fight or something dumb. Actually, for me, I don't change that status at all if its for conflict really. I think I've done it within that context once ever. Mostly the only reason I would ever cease to be friends with someone is if we just naturally grow apart. Or if they shove me away. Had that happen... once? I think. Won't go there.

It genuinely frustrates me that I can't see the future right now. Its actually been kind of a revelation to me. Because I realized this past week or two that I usually have a pretty good perception of how things are going to turn out. I don't usually know specifics or exact outcomes, but I could tell you generally what's going to happen with things. Not lately at all, though. I feel like I'm so much in the dark. Its weird for me. I just want to know. Geez. I really just don't want to be vague here anymore. I really just want to name names and give specifics. It would be so freaking nice to get everything that I'm thinking out of me. But I respect certain people to much to do so. Or I try to respect them anyway. I fail largely at that frequently enough.

I just hope a certain person doesn't "know" who they're going to marry... or doesn't think they know anyway. That's a painful boat to be in when you're wrong. And I've never seen anyone be right. Been there, done that, got the cookie. It didn't taste good. Just saying.

Eh, I think I'm gonna be done rambling on and on about myself for tonight. Go listen to Sleeping at Last. You should. You know you want to.

Me off.