Being Right

Can I just say (at the risk of sounding incredibly arrogant) that I love being right? Its a relief to me because something that I've known for a long time (like since January-ish) was finally confirmed to be true. And everyone thought I was crazy. Or just overly emotional about it. But nope. I was right. And I knew I was. Which was kind of comforting because I was starting to question my own sanity.

Remember how I mentioned that I could see relationships between people almost as a tangible item? Yep. It was one of those I was right about. And to top it off, I could tell when it was realized by the people involved that I was right even before it was confirmed to me offically that they knew. Which means I was a little more in tune to what was going on than I thought.

I really don't mean to sound proud or anything... this is really just a huge relief to me. You don't even know. Even though the reality actually works against me, at least I can claim my sanity.

I don't really have much else to say today. Well, I guess I do.. but no time.

Me off.

Of Retreats, Blessings and Trusting Jesus

Where to begin....

Thas has literally been one of the most incredibly overwhelming weeks of my life. No exageration.

I guess it would begin on Friday. Which can be summed up on one word: drama. And lots of it. Sparing the hairy details, its enough to say that there were some hurdles to jump as far as the beginning of retreat was concerned and in order to jump hurdles this high it required (metaphorically of course) a team of leaders who were willing to stand on each others shoulders and help everyone over them. This kind of put me on edge to say the least. But at the same time, somehow I enjoy working things like that out...? I guess enjoy isn't exactly the word for it... I just like making other people's lives easier, so if I can deal with the nasty stuff then they don't have to.

Hmm. Its always so hard for me to process retreats. I love the perspectives of those who haven't been absorbed in them for too long. Just because they have so much optimism. I genuinely hope for a permanent, commited change in these kids. I want to see them grow into all they can be. So desperately I do. I want to see Jesus encounter them and completely revolutionize their lives. This is my hope and prayer after every retreat. Unfortunately, it always goes back to the way it was before... I wish this wasn't true. So its hard for me to truly completely hope for it to be so.

During the retreat, it really didn't seem to me like a whole lot was happening with me. Which is fine, cause I'm a leader and its for the kids mostly. But when I got home and looked back on it, I realized that under the surface, God actually did alot with me. He broke down some walls. More restoration was accomplished between me and my bbf (not bff. its different). Which was really good. I still miss him lots, but progress and baby steps are good.

Since then I've just been hit over and over with Jesus just bringing things around in my life. He's provided in so many ways, its made me actually cry because I've just been so overwhelmed. Someone left me an envelope with cash in it on Tuesday. I've never had anything close to that happen before.

Last night I was really worried about my bbf, though. Its really hard, because I have to trust him to Jesus. I don't really have a say in anything that's going on with him right now. But the entirely frustrating part of it for me is the fact that I can see straight through him. I know and understand what he's going through so thoroughly... and its really hard for me not being able to be there for him. I just want to hug him and tell him its going to be ok. But as much as I love him, Jesus loves him more. And I have to trust that. Its really hard sometimes.

I think I need some things clarified... Or maybe just a slap of reality. I'm not sure. I think I'm too loyal for my own good. Lol. And stubborn. Once I really set my mind on something, I don't let it go. Pretty much for anything. Which can be good and bad. Oi. It would be handy to see the future.

P.S. Don't get your heart stuck in two geographical locations at once. Its just incredibly conflicting.

Me off.

A Giraffe as Tall as Myself

It was amazing. I was hanging out with my very best most amazing friend in the world today (Bethany) and we went to the mall cause we were in Strongsville and wanted something dessert like. And while walking through there, we saw this giant wooden giraffe. It was beautiful. I want it. Lol.

I'm still gonna talk about retreat at some point. But I'm still recouping and thinking about going to bed at the moment. So. The end.

Me off.

Giraffes in 3D

Saw the most bizarre giraffe today. It was on a tshirt, but it was red and blue and kinda funny looking... would have looked normal if you had some of those old blue and red 3D glasses on.

Nutso weekend. Much to tell. Will later. Sleeping now.

Me off.

If You're Going Through Hell...

My best friend recently informed me that I've gone through hell and back this year. Lol. I'm glad she knows this. The sad, unmitigated fact of the matter is, its true. I'm not even fully "back" yet, really. But, as bizarre as it may sound; as much as I never want to do that again (that "never" still doesn't do justice to how much I don't want to go through something like that again), it was and is good. Well, God was and is anyway.

Insecurity. Basically that sums up my life since January. Yes, personal insecurity, but also the lack and falling away of things I've depended on as secure foundations. Friends, family... things I thought I knew that proved to be wrong. This is all things that I've told you before. I wish I could give more detail right now. I really have alot that I kinda just need to release. But I can't. Whether because I'm not sure how to quite explain certain things, or I'm just not allowed to talk about certain things, I can't.

I miss my best friend. So freaking much. My other best friend, not the one mentioned above. I miss our talks. I miss being able to tell him everything. I miss him letting me into his world, too. And I don't completely understand... I'm trying to trust that God has it all in control. And usually this isn't a problem. Because I know that whatever He wants is best. And this is typically ok. Sometimes, like yesterday and a little today, its hard. I was complaining about this to Bethany yesterday and she reminded me that its all "baby steps". Which is true. As long as you don't take 5 steps and decide you've gone far enough and quit. Again, though, God knows every step and way of man. This must be remembered.

Pandora.com was playing music subsequently that fits alot with where I'm at right now. I love music that does that. I've listed below some of the songs that were played, if you click on the ones with links you can see the lyrics.

On a random note. I found baby sock monkeys. I bought one. His name is Xachary Michael Xavier.

Giraffe sightings lately? Nursery, Walmart (it was chubby!), random artwork that I've encountered. They still happen fairly frequently. At least several times a week.

Quote: "Fear is the only true enemy, born of ignorance and the parent of anger and hate." - Edward Albert

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
Dare You to Move by Switchfoot
Name by GooGoo Dolls
Never Say Never by The Fray
Pictures of You by The Last Goodnight
All I Need is You by Hillsong United
New Day by Robbie Seay Band

Stephen Fry Kinetic Typography - Language

Ammusing. Sarah, I believe you will appreciate this.

Of Videos and People and Vulnerable Hearts

So we (the interns) had to make a video to advertise for the Cornerstone Kidz harvest party later this month. It was kinda fun. Funny. If you want to see all of us fall down, you should come to church within the next 3 weeks.

You know, I really don't like people very much. Actually, that's semi false. There's not really many specific people that I dislike. I just generally don't like groups of people larger than maybe 3? 4 at the most...? I think they intimidate me. Or maybe I'm just cynical about them, too. I just don't think groups of people really work very often. I'm much better at being people's friend one on one.. maybe one on two. I actually just had a realization about why this may be for me. See, there's this thing with me where I can see relationships between people. Like, almost tangibly. I don't always see details, but I can almost always see if there are walls between people and how high they are. I can tell when there's a dynamic or chemistry there or not. But its not just perception. Like I said, I can see it almost as if it were an actual object. I can also pretty easily tell when people have walls up towards me. Especially if those are people who are/were close to me. Doesn't mean I'm always (usually?) right about the reasons the walls are up or what they are hiding... but I can still tell they're there. Its possibly that the group thing just overstimulates me because there's too much for me to process.

Anyway. My heart's in kind of a vulnerable place right now. In a couple areas. I've put myself out there, and seen positive results (for the first time in a while). So, as hope rises in me for things to continue improving, I'm afraid of falling again. I don't think I could handle it if I had things all ripped away from me again. So I'm afraid of hoping. I hope anyway, but it is scary for me. I don't necessarily trust alot of the people around me. But I also don't really trust my ability to guard my own heart. That's possibly another reason I avoid groups of people... or groups of specific people anyway. Because within a certain group(s) there are people who have done alot of damage to my heart. Maybe I shouldn't have given them access to it. Probably shouldn't have. Its funny 'cause I don't really trust easily for the most part. But this past year or so there's been a few situations in which I've allowed myself to trust. In a couple it has worked out ok. No pain. In a couple I've been pretty badly burned. I'm healing from them. But there's still a kind of large part of me that is a little afraid to trust again. Maybe I'm not supposed to.

Geez. I'm rambling about myself. Again. Shutting up. Lol.

Go check out my poll.

Me off.

Of Widows, Orphans and Practice Sermons

Being a part of an internship that is aimed at preparing you for ministry, occasionally it is required of us to write and give sermons. When thinking about the prospect of doing so, I tend to dread it, but usually once I start into whatever I'm preparing for I find that I enjoy at least the preparation part of it. I like searching out and discovering different aspects of God and His Kingdom.

Recently, Pastor Zach gave us the assignment to prepare a 10-20 minute sermon from some pre-prepared (redundant?) sermons found on abort73.com. Suffice it to say, procrastination has been my companion when it comes to this project as we are giving them for each other on Thursday and I haven't really done much, if any, work on it until today. I drew the topic "Widows and Orphans". Which is a rather broad topic and a little difficult to narrow down an angle to approach it from. Not to mention the necessity of tying said topic into the subject of abortion. Fortunately, we don't have to focus on abortion as our main point, we just need to mention it.

Aaanyway, I had so much fun prepping for it today that I thought I'd post some of my notes thus far. I tend to write my thoughts out in full sentences and paragraphs for things like this, then after that I can condense them into less specific points. It's easier for me to see my full thought and then make simpler points that remind me of said thought. So, though they be a bit scattered, here you go.

What would happen, what would it look like, if we started walking out what we talk about?

You know, I almost didn't want to speak on this.. I just wanted to sit here and stare at you with a slide on the screen that said "move", until you did. But being that I may have failed this assignment, I conceded.

James 1:27 "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit the widows and orphans in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."

I want you to think of one proble with the world today, big or small. Now think of the polar opposite of that problem; what it would be like if it were fixed. Perhaps for you this means a world where we not only live without war, but in peace because we've learned to truly love. Maybe its a place where poverty has vanished and everyone has what they need. Maybe its a place where all babies are allowed the opportunity to explore life. Now what is one step that would need to be taken to reach that solution? ... What's holding you back?

Jars of Clay sings one of the most profound, convicting songs I've heard called, "Oh My God". Some of the lyrics go, "Sometimes when I lose my grip; I wonder what to make of Heaven; All the times I had to reach up; All the times I had to give; Babies underneath their beds; Hospitals that cannot treat; All the wounds that money causes; All the comforts of cathedrals; All the cries of thirsty children; This is our inheritance; All the rage of watching mothers; This is our greatest offense".

Our greatest offense... That's pretty heavy. But Jesus said that whatever we do to the least, we have done to Him. Are we mocking Him? Are we asking Him why He doesn't have a job? Are we judging Him? Are we driving across town to avoid Him? Even worse, are we completely ignoring Him? We're supposed to seek out the Kingdom of Heaven, what if that means we need to seek out those who need? What if the pearl of great price is found in the slums?

The Bible says in James 4:17, "Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin." Something to think about. Have you repented; turned 180 degrees and started running in the opposite direction, of this sin?

 We sing the song, "What does it sound like when we sing Heaven's song? What does it feel like when Heaven comes down? What does it look like when God is all around?" And in the emotion and passion of experience, we believe that what we feel in that moment is the answer to those questions. But really, if we want to see what it looks like when God is all around, are we willing to walk into the slums? Are we willing to experience the song of Heaven when a child's cries are changed to laughter because you chose to take an active role in his or her life? What if, in order to know what it feels like when Heaven comes down to earth, we had to open our hearts to experience the pain and grief of others so that we could more effectively love them into the Kingdom. Another quote from the Jars of Clay song, "Take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon Your grief".

How much are you willing to sacrifice? Because this isn't merely a call to give your money. Its not simply asking for your time. Its a call to an involvement of your heart and what God has placed in it. Yes, you will be vulnerable. You may be hurt. But God has your back. He works all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to  His purpose. Don't worry about anything, but in everything by prayer, petition and while giving thanks (and praise?) let God know what your requests. Then His peace, which is greater than you can understand, will guard your heart.

Bottom line is this; we can keep talking or preaching about this stuff. I know we all have heard countless messages about it, read countless books... We know this stuff. But when are we going to do it?

Roosters and Syrup and Eccentric Aunts

Blogger gave me a random question and not enough space for me to answer it in the way I wanted to in my profile, so I transferred it here.

Random Question - "For your birthday, your aunt gave you a maple syrup dispenser shaped like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you note:"

Dear Aunt ________,


You have given me many eccentric gifts over the years that have both puzzled, and amused me. I feel I have accepted these graciously and with understanding. However, pouring syrup out of a rooster's rear end is just disturbing to me. When I take this gift to Goodwill, please do not purchase it again and give it to anyone. Just leave it. Somethings were meant to be lonely. Such as syrup-pooping roosters. I do, however, recognize that it is the heart behind the gift that matters. That being said, I'm not sure what kind of heart would give a gift of this nature. But I will assume the best and express gratitude for your thoughts toward me. Even if inadequately expressed.

Love,
Erin


hehe. The mildly ammusing part of this to me is, I have an aunt that does give gifts along these lines.

Me off.

Sleeping At Last - "Unmade" Music Video

Phenomenal music video. Watch. now.

Oh man. Can I just say I think I am permanently in love with Sleeping at Last? They are amazing. The song "Needles and Threads" I have just discovered. There are no words. I've never had a "favorite band" before.. I've always had several that I count as my favorites because I could never pick just one. But Sleeping at Last definitely takes it. They have an incredible sound, indescribable lyrics. Really, nothing I have found compares to them. If I could marry music, it would be theirs. I'm serious. I think I'm in love.

Dear Revolve - Take 1

Mark G, Derek R, Thadius, Mike G, Mel G, Brian H, Josh S, Zech M...

Do you recognize those names? Hopefully you know at least two of them.

Most of the names listed above probably have little to no meaning to you. But they affect you in ways you can't imagine. I'm going to tell you a story. Your story. As far as I can remember it. As we explore your past, maybe we can begin to understand the present a little bit better. The word "heritage" probably doesn't get you too excited, but this is the story of where you came from. And I don't think it hurts to look back every once in a while. It can help you to grow. I want you to know (as much as I am capable of showing it to you) the dream that is a part of who you are. If you only knew how desperately I want to see you become all that God would have for you...

I'm going to introduce you to these people in sessions. You will hear about what they did and how they changed the youth group. I won't be sharing a whole lot of my own perspective and experience. But I'll end the series with my story as far as it concerns the youth group at Cornerstone.

I will start with Derek R and Thadius and I'll tell you more about the others in later entries.

Derek R. His wife is named Lisa. Truthfully, I didn't know a whole lot about him. But what I do know, I will share.

When I first started coming to youth group at Cornerstone it wasn't called Revolve, it was called U-turn. I was 13. We didn't have the chapel to meet in. We met in what is now referred to as Room 8, but in my day it was called "C Wing". And Derek Rose was the youth pastor. Back then there was maybe 30-40 teens coming to youth group which met on, I believe, Saturday nights if I remember right. Pastor Derek was energetic. The youth loved him. He was very relational. He would often teach his messages while sitting on a stool. Almost conversationally.

The first retreat I went on was with him at Camp Carl in 2001. It changed my life and revealed my call.

While he was pastor, Derek and Lisa tried to adopt a little baby boy named Thadius. It was an exciting time. But before the adoption could be finalized, the birth mother changed her mind and decided she wanted to keep her son. This broke their hearts.

I don't know a whole lot about what went down after that. Details were always a little foggy for me. Mostly because I was still kinda young and people didn't tell me much. But I did notice the heaviness that came on Pastor Derek after that.

Eventually he was no longer youth pastor. It was all kind of sudden and, like I said before, I don't really remember details. This pretty much destroyed the youth group. I mean pretty literally. The kids who came were extremely loyal to Pastor Derek and were heart broken when he left.

Spiritually, their foundation was just beginning. It wasn't very strong or deep. Cliques were abundant even just amongst the 30 kids. But we can't discount the work that Pastor Derek did in helping to lay the foundation for where our youth group has come.

To help you understand how this affects you, maybe it would help for you to know some of the people who were around when Derek was and who he may have influenced. (Again, you may not recognize all of these names, but if you follow me in this story, you will meet many of them.) Justin Ryan, Amber Ryan, Jimmy (my brother), Mike Gardiner, Melanie C (now Gardiner), Gillian E, Sarah G, and myself.

I know this part of your story probably seemed a bit dry. I promise I'll try to spice things up for the rest of it. Its just a little hard for me to write about the beginning because I was only part of it for a short time.

Hope to see you back here soon.

Me off.

The Conundrum of Ink

I want a tattoo.

But I'm terrified of needles. I mean seriously terrified. I passed out before they put me out for my wisdom teeth when I saw the needle. They lied to me. Before I went in they told me they were going to use gas... they used a needle. I think my mother approved this behind my back.

Anyway, point is, I want a tattoo, but I'm in a conundrum. Even excluding the fact that I don't have money for one right now.

Conundrum is a fun word. I think its one of my favorites, ranking among "propensity", "constituency", and "vehemently".

I saw a fat giraffe yesterday in Walmart. It was a stuffed animal. It gave me a puzzled expression and made me laugh.

Ink makes me think of octopuses... octopi? What is that pluraled? "Aw guys, you made me ink..." - The octopus from Finding Nemo.

Trucks are amazing. I got to drive my dad's a bunch while my car was in the shop. Every time I get to do so, I'm reminded that I want one. Possibly dark green... Its just so much fun to be bigger than most people on the road.

I decided a while ago that I don't think I can be with any guy who can't make me a sunset. I don't mean a depiction of a sunset. I mean a literal sunset. I think that this may have doomed me to singleness for the forseeable future. However, I am open to someone who can give me an exceptionally realistic depiction of a sunset.

Maybe if I ever change my resolve to not consume alcohol, sometime I'll let myself get drunk and go get a tattoo... That way maybe I won't really feel it. I would, of course, already know what I wanted to get so I wouldn't get something stupid. ... The likelyhood of this happening is pretty much zero.

Oh. Blogger stinks. I edited a bunch of stuff in my HTML code a few weeks ago, and they changed it back to normal. I dislike.

I think I'm done expressing thoughts as they cross the forefront of my mind now (hehe. "Forefront" is  rhetorical...)

Me off.

Sleeping at Last

Quotes from my current favorite band eevvveerrr, Sleeping at Last (yes I recognize the oxymoron in that sentence). They are lyrical geniuses

"Religion is a breeding ground; Where the devil's work is deeply found; With teeth as sharp as cathedral spires; Slowly sinking in" - "Naive"

"So slowly I'm losing; Who I've sworn to be; A promise in pencil; The years have made so hard to read; I've spent my life building walls; brick by brick and bruise by bruse; A birdcage religion; That whispered me to sleep; But time is spinning silk; That coils ruthlessly; With the devil's patience; It binds my hands so quietly; That soon it becomes a part of me; So soften these edges and straighten out my life; And help me remember; The hope I have compromised; Please be a broken record for me" - "Birdcage Religion

"Put your coat on; This city trembles; Keep your chin up; As you untangle God; From cold blood and bruises; ...Only with careful hands; We'll turn their fangs into feathers and cures; Only with careful hands; We'll divide the prisoner from the pioneer." - "Careful Hands"

"On paper my future will lay; I'll fold every failure into a crane; Trust is quicksand; Claming everything I have; All to give me life" - "Quicksand"

"Everything I love; Was made of porcelain; Ready to break; But the bright staggering light; It anxiously waits inside; Like nesting dolls the secret hides; And like every birth; It was a necessary pain; I know I know; It was all worth the wait" - "Porcelain"

"There is no language for what we've seen; Only the sweetness that bends us to our knees; And all of these fumbling words; To explain what it means; But our hearts were buried deep in the sand; ... There's no need to be afraid; Overwhelming love cascades; The melody will rise and swell; As it finds its way inside the shell; The mouth is a mirror... We must watch what we say" - "Side by Side"