Of Retreats, Blessings and Trusting Jesus

Where to begin....

Thas has literally been one of the most incredibly overwhelming weeks of my life. No exageration.

I guess it would begin on Friday. Which can be summed up on one word: drama. And lots of it. Sparing the hairy details, its enough to say that there were some hurdles to jump as far as the beginning of retreat was concerned and in order to jump hurdles this high it required (metaphorically of course) a team of leaders who were willing to stand on each others shoulders and help everyone over them. This kind of put me on edge to say the least. But at the same time, somehow I enjoy working things like that out...? I guess enjoy isn't exactly the word for it... I just like making other people's lives easier, so if I can deal with the nasty stuff then they don't have to.

Hmm. Its always so hard for me to process retreats. I love the perspectives of those who haven't been absorbed in them for too long. Just because they have so much optimism. I genuinely hope for a permanent, commited change in these kids. I want to see them grow into all they can be. So desperately I do. I want to see Jesus encounter them and completely revolutionize their lives. This is my hope and prayer after every retreat. Unfortunately, it always goes back to the way it was before... I wish this wasn't true. So its hard for me to truly completely hope for it to be so.

During the retreat, it really didn't seem to me like a whole lot was happening with me. Which is fine, cause I'm a leader and its for the kids mostly. But when I got home and looked back on it, I realized that under the surface, God actually did alot with me. He broke down some walls. More restoration was accomplished between me and my bbf (not bff. its different). Which was really good. I still miss him lots, but progress and baby steps are good.

Since then I've just been hit over and over with Jesus just bringing things around in my life. He's provided in so many ways, its made me actually cry because I've just been so overwhelmed. Someone left me an envelope with cash in it on Tuesday. I've never had anything close to that happen before.

Last night I was really worried about my bbf, though. Its really hard, because I have to trust him to Jesus. I don't really have a say in anything that's going on with him right now. But the entirely frustrating part of it for me is the fact that I can see straight through him. I know and understand what he's going through so thoroughly... and its really hard for me not being able to be there for him. I just want to hug him and tell him its going to be ok. But as much as I love him, Jesus loves him more. And I have to trust that. Its really hard sometimes.

I think I need some things clarified... Or maybe just a slap of reality. I'm not sure. I think I'm too loyal for my own good. Lol. And stubborn. Once I really set my mind on something, I don't let it go. Pretty much for anything. Which can be good and bad. Oi. It would be handy to see the future.

P.S. Don't get your heart stuck in two geographical locations at once. Its just incredibly conflicting.

Me off.