So we (the interns) had to make a video to advertise for the Cornerstone Kidz harvest party later this month. It was kinda fun. Funny. If you want to see all of us fall down, you should come to church within the next 3 weeks.
You know, I really don't like people very much. Actually, that's semi false. There's not really many specific people that I dislike. I just generally don't like groups of people larger than maybe 3? 4 at the most...? I think they intimidate me. Or maybe I'm just cynical about them, too. I just don't think groups of people really work very often. I'm much better at being people's friend one on one.. maybe one on two. I actually just had a realization about why this may be for me. See, there's this thing with me where I can see relationships between people. Like, almost tangibly. I don't always see details, but I can almost always see if there are walls between people and how high they are. I can tell when there's a dynamic or chemistry there or not. But its not just perception. Like I said, I can see it almost as if it were an actual object. I can also pretty easily tell when people have walls up towards me. Especially if those are people who are/were close to me. Doesn't mean I'm always (usually?) right about the reasons the walls are up or what they are hiding... but I can still tell they're there. Its possibly that the group thing just overstimulates me because there's too much for me to process.
Anyway. My heart's in kind of a vulnerable place right now. In a couple areas. I've put myself out there, and seen positive results (for the first time in a while). So, as hope rises in me for things to continue improving, I'm afraid of falling again. I don't think I could handle it if I had things all ripped away from me again. So I'm afraid of hoping. I hope anyway, but it is scary for me. I don't necessarily trust alot of the people around me. But I also don't really trust my ability to guard my own heart. That's possibly another reason I avoid groups of people... or groups of specific people anyway. Because within a certain group(s) there are people who have done alot of damage to my heart. Maybe I shouldn't have given them access to it. Probably shouldn't have. Its funny 'cause I don't really trust easily for the most part. But this past year or so there's been a few situations in which I've allowed myself to trust. In a couple it has worked out ok. No pain. In a couple I've been pretty badly burned. I'm healing from them. But there's still a kind of large part of me that is a little afraid to trust again. Maybe I'm not supposed to.
Geez. I'm rambling about myself. Again. Shutting up. Lol.
Go check out my poll.
Me off.
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