Annual

So as every year begins to come to an end and a new one is about to begin, I try to write a blog or something of the sort in tandem with this event. This year I'm having a hard time thinking of what to talk about. I think this falls mainly to the reason that I don't really feel things ending or beginning with me. I am still very much in the middle of a process.

I'm fully aware that I have not updated this very much lately. This has largely to do with 2 different things. 1. I don't have regular access to a computer yet. And 2. I really don't have much that I want to or know that I can share.

A few years ago Dan Burgoyne (current pastor of NEO Church, but former pastor of 707) taught a series called "Counting Stars" at 707. It was based on the life of Abraham, who I've always related to for some reason. I had burned this series to CD back when he first taught it because it spoke to me so deeply. I recently started listening to them again. He talks about how our faith is going to be tested and is very applicable to every day life.

Anyway, listening to those teachings it felt like life was being imparted to me in ways that I haven't had in a really long time. So I decided to look up NEO Church and see if they had a podcast. They did. Apparently God really wanted me to hear about Abraham, because as it would happen, One of his more recent messages there was called "Outrageous Faith". Which ended up being basically the same stuff I have on cd, except deeper and more insightful.

A friend recently challenged me, too, that I'm really rather angr with God. This brought some interesting revelation to me. I realized that when someone is mad at God, but unwilling to admit this, their anger is redirected towards everyone else around them. Which isn't really fair because often times it comes out on people who haven't actually done anything to earn it.

On a kind of random note, it actually really bothers me when all of my paragraphs in a blog entry are of similar lengths.

As I look to the year ahead, it overwhelms me a bit. But at the same time, I have hope that it will bring some resolution and understanding of some things. Working 2 jobs takes up much of my time, but I'm working on finding some new boundaries on my time. I have an interesting situation going on with a fender bender I was in a couple years ago. Really, it could barely be called even a fender bender because there was literally no damage to either vehicle. Can't go into it right now, cause of different reasons, but its really a funny story that perhaps I can share some day. However, if whoever reads this could remain in prayer for God's favor with me in said situation, I would greatly appreciate it.

On an ending note, I love you all. I thank God regularly for the people I have in my life.

Me off!

Ps. Merry Christmas!

Theory time. I think that the reason men and women are attracted to one another is not in spite of the fact that they don't understand how the other thinks, but rather because of it. (Leaving homosexuality out of it for now.)

You see, a big reason I have a great dislike for girls in general is because I know how they think... and its not pretty all the time. But I do not understand all the time how guys process things, so they are much more fascinating.

That's my theory for the day. The end.

Too Much Sugar!

This was my grand venture today. I have the day off and was a bit bored. So after cleaning a bit, I made a pumpkin pie. Then moved on to some pre-made sugar cookies, then banana bread. I think I'm going to make myself and Anna fat.

Idol Boxes

"To whom will you liken Me, and make Me equal and compare Me, that we should be alike? They lavish gold out of the bag, and weigh silver on the scales; they hire a goldsmith, and he makes it a god; they prostrate themselves, yes, they worship. They bear it on the shoulder, they carry it and set it in its place and it stands; from its place it shall not move. Though one cries out to it, yet it cannot answer nor save him out of his trouble." Is. 46:5-7
This was part of the Solo devo for today. I think the part that struck me most was where God is asking us to whom or what we compare Him. The question occured to my mind why we do this. I think sometimes the reason is that we are simply trying to grasp hold of some way to understand God. So we fashion comparisons that build the walls of boxes that seek to contain Him. Its silly really, to think that we could possibly begin to contain the God of our universe in our own feeble minds. And yet... I know I'm guily of this. Just my thoughts.

Forbidden

Just a quote from the book I'm reading. Its really good. As said by Avra in "Forbidden" by Ted Dekker and Tosca Lee;
"The human heart is a delicate thing... I know that now. It's the sorrow you feel that allows you to crave love. Without that suffering, there would be no true pleasure. Without tears, no joy. Without deficiency, no longing."

Jack Out of the Box

"It used to be that if I had a great worship experience, I asked God to duplicate it the next time I came to worship. Like the kid impressed by a silly magic trick, I would pray, "Do it again!" One thing I've learned about God over the years, however, is that He rarely "does it again." He's the Creator, which means that He is (among other things) creative." Francis Chan
This quote resonates with me. Especially coming off of retreat. The truth found in this statement is something God has been working into my view of Him. I so often long for the experience I had of Him when I was younger, but this isn't what He has in mind. He wants me to discover new truths and new relationship with Him. Not to always pine after what has past. Also not to search for the same experience that He has given someone else. Following Him is meant to be an adventure, not a cookie cutter formula for life. Its nerve racking. But oh so exciting anticipating what He has next.
Me off.

The Anti Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess and her not so beautiful sister. Like any sisters they got along quite swimingly some days, and not so much others. Unlike many princesses you hear about, neither their mother or father were dead, but rather they simply lived in opposite ends of the castle. You see, the King and Queen couldn't stand to be around each other.

In the next kingdom over, there lived a handsome prince. He grew up being best friends with the not so beautiful princess. They did everything together. Much to the chagrin of her mother, for playing with princes often includes not so lady like things, such as playing in the mud and having sword fights with sticks. However, the not so beautiful princess didn't care, for the prince was her best and only friend.

As they tend to do, when the princesses got older, they began to be drawn to people of the opposite gender persuasion. Now, the prince and the not so beautiful princess (mind you, she was not ugly, just not as beautiful as her sister), were perfectly compatable in every way. The princess recognized this as did all of her courtiers. Everyone, including the King and Queen just knew that the 2 of them would one day be wed.

But no! The prince, operating as most princes do, didn't care to see the life that he could have with the not so beautiful princess. So he ended up marrying the beautiful princess. Her sister was devastated. She knew there would be no one else who would so perfectly compliment who she was.

Oh, and the king and queen split up.

And the family dog died.

And eventually the prince grew to regret his choice. Still not recognizing the compatibility between him and Not So Beautiful. But he did realize how incompatible Beautiful and he were. So they also split. And the prince spent the rest of his days in misery chasing down an ideal that was absurd and could never exist.

Not So Beautiful went on to marry, but carried always in her heart the wounds of rejection from the prince.

Beautiful was just a bad word.

The end.



And that my friends is probably closer to reality than any other fairy tale you will encounter.

I don't quite have a title for this...

So, there are several reasons posting here hasn't occured very frequently lately. One being that I don't have constant access to a computer. Two being that many of my thoughts are still in process mode.

God is showing me alot lately. Over the past couple days I've realized how much He's changed in me even from last year. Things that used to make or break my day, don't have so strong an effect on me anymore. And that's a good thing. I've been able to have some pretty  hard conversations, and come out of them unscathed. I've faced things I didn't want to face, and grown. I've faced people I don't like and been able to love them. And this is all the past few weeks. Crazy, huh?

I don't say any of this to put myself on any kind of a pedastal... Its just unfathomable to me how much has happened lately.

It would appear that God is working on bringing about the fulfillment of one of my dreams for my city. Which is more exciting than I can possibly begin to tell you! More on that to follow when the details become more solidified. Can't wait to get involved though!

Anyhows. That's the short update on schtuff.
Me off.

Resolve: Noble Aim Goes On and On

The final installation of the Yearbook EP has been released! Lyrics below:

Noble Aim
Chances are we are the same
Against the odds, against the grain
We lean like gardends toward light
But we wait like evening for night
Don't we?

Chances are we are alike
Against what better judgement writes
We ache like children for love
For a purpose worthy of
Such a noble aim
Such a noble aim
Such a noble aim as love

Chances are we bruise the same
A family tree desperate for rain
A thirst only deserts know best
A hurt so at home in our chests
Call it stubbornness or bravery
To let our branches continue to reach
With such a noble aim
With such a noble aim
With such a noble aim as love

Every broken branch and loosened leaf
That we've grown to ignore
Is now part of something greater than before
Every nest that rests upon our limbs
Seeking shelter from the storms
Is a purpose worth being broken for

Chances are we are the same
Against all odds against the grain
We lean like gardes toward light
We reach with all of our might
For such a noble aim as love


Goes On and On
Every day you wake
Evermore aware
Than you ever were before
The smallest sound
Is ringing in your ears
Like a grand piano
Slowly falling down a million stairs
But the sound it makes
Are the growing pains of repair

And it goes on and on
It goes on and on

'Til the day you wake up
Miles from here
Where all of a sudden
Dissonance disappears

And like a wrecking ball in reverse
Every wrong will be made right
What was adamant, even permanent
Will have a change of heart and mind
In your disbelief you'll clear your eyes
As if you're seeing light
For the very first time

It goes on and on
It goes on and on


Resolve
Generations wait
Like the river sways
For a father's blood
For a mother's love

Though not the promised land
Nor any perfect plan
Along our neutral path
There was a single lowered branch

What was flawless canvass-white
What was kindness in our eyes
Is now a blemished masterpiece
An astigmatism life
But let's cut right to the chase
To when the best of us was on display

Before we tipped the scale from confidence to doubt
I would hold you now if only I knew how

Concentration breaks
Under frivolous weight
If the right words exist
May they find our lips

Let's stay the course
And let the tension make us new
I don't know if it's virtue
I don't know if it's just dumb luck
Would it matter if it was?
What if we welcomed change in
Or opened up just enough
To let it begin

The doors will open wide for you
It was said just like it was the truth
If we walk right through

Poison and Wine

Haven't posted in a while. Current favorite song is "Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars.

Apartment life is good. I pretty much love it actually. My heart still resides in St. Louis.

To end this very short blog entry, I pose a question: If Christ is the greatest thing we have in common, why is it He rarely comes up in conversation?

Me off.

My Playlist for the Bus (In Part)

As played on shuffle...
1. My Evil Plan to Save the World by Five Iron Frezy
2. Sway by Dean Martin
3. Paper Planes by M.I.A.
4. All This to Say by Sleeping at Last
5. Breathe (2 a.m.) by Anna Nalick
6. There Goes the Fear by Doves
7. Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons
8. Hey Jude by Joe Anderson (Across the Universe)
9. Studying Politics by Emery
10. Burn the Fleet by Thrice
11. Redeem by The Wedding
12. Awake My Soul by Mumford & Sons
13. Please Speak Well of Me by The Weepies
14. Let it Rain by Michael W. Smith
15. God is Enough by Lecrae
16. Page 28 by Sleeping at Last
17. The Silence by Mayday Parade
18. Good Morning Life by Dean Martin
19. Then by Brad Paisley
20. Thoughts of a Dying Atheist by Muse
etc. etc.

Went to QT today. Its basically like Sheetz. Across the parking lot was this wonderful family of giraffes :)

Monopoly

This is how my free time has been spent the past few evenings. Me, Jule and whoever will play with us. As you can see, last night's game didnt go so well for me. But it was still really fun.
I have a pretty slow day today. P. Bon is out of the office. He left me with a few things to do, but not much. Right now I'm waiting outside for a lady to come pick up some hot dogs and buns for an event we're helping with tomorrow morning.
Its hard to believe that I only have a few days left here. I am looking forward to being home though. See yall soon :)
Me off.

Rocks Sermons Ice Cream and Getting Lost

Yesterday after church, Jimmy, Mariza, Wanda and I went hiking/free climbing at a couple of parks 2 hrs south of St Louis. It was alot of fun. This pic is from Taum Sauk national park. There is a big waterfall there.... supposedly. Jimmy tempted us all into a 1.5 mile hike AFTER hiking and climbing all over giant rocks by telling us about how amazing it is. So we walk down to where the waterfall is supposed to be... and it was dried up. I didn't mind so much, but I think Mariza was about to murder him.
Other than a splitting headache and not being sure of the way back to the car, it was a blast. Actually, being lost was kinda fun too.
We went to Sonic afterwards then came home and crashed.
Today Jimmy and I went to a place called Crown Candy for ice cream. Its this little hole-in-the-wall place that makes their own amazing ice cream.
I am staring to miss people now, though. I really wish that I could show alot of people back home all these places. Maybe someday..
Me off.

Oh Teenagers...

So I just finished talking with the girl who has been assisting the youth pastor out here for the past year. This week is her last week before she moves away. So I'm actually going to be staying out here and taking her place.
Just kidding :p
We had a really good talk though. Its interesting to see how kids from polar opposite backgrounds can have alot of the exact same issues. She was saying how she gets frustrated because the youth don't pay attention during service and alot of them are just riding the fence with God and that they don't engage in worship. But instead they're messing around and talking with their friends the whole service.
Its funny, and rather self focused, because I tend to forget that we're not the only youth group dealing with these issues. So we were just comparing notes on how best to connect with the kids and engage their attention.
Anyway, more details of that to follow. Maybe.
Me off.

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Arch

This is prolly one of my favorite pics so far.

There's a lady here at the DC named Jule (pronounced, J'Lay). She is probably one of the coolest people I've ever met. She's a very straightforward woman from South Africa who has a trust in God that really inspires me. She frequently says the common phrase "Its in God's hands".
Its funny how you can know a truth your whole life and even have a revelation of it, but somehow it can become mundane and cliche. Like a ritual without heart. But Jule really lives this statement.
Every night that I've gone to bed here I've wrestled with being so torn between here and Medina. And every night I eventually come to a point where I remember that God is writing my story. Yes, some of the things I want in life may sharply contradict one another. But God is bigger. If He wants them to be reconciled, He will do so. Obviously I am not speaking of being in 2 places at once, though I'm sure He could do that too if He really wanted.
Anyway, I'm about to get my day started.
Me off.

Barry

This is Barry. He's my sad little furnace friend who lives in the basement.
One of the girls here, Lera, laughed when I told her I named it. I'm contemplating somehow getting a nametag for him.
When I first discovered him, I wasn't sure if he creeped me out or if I liked him. I decided the 2nd and dubbed him Barry. I think he and Grizwald would be good friends.
Me off.

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This is my project for today. Jimmy asked me to help him paint his office. Who decided this orange was an ok color? I have no idea... But we'll be turning it into blue soon enough. The gray can stay.
Tomorrow I'll introduce you to Barry, my sad little friend in the laundry room

Back 2 School Blast

Today was super long. The Back 2 School Blast was all day. We've been working since 10 a.m. outside in the 90 degree humid heat. I can't wait to get a shower and go to bed!
It was pretty sweet though. There were tons of people who came by for the games, food, school check ups and concert. I helped with the train rides. Its always fun to see some people's reactions when they find out me and Jimmy are siblings. There were a few girls who rode the train who wouldnt believe it until they confirmed it with him.
Anyway, things are wrapping up now. Then its clean up time, shower and then me and Brudder are going to pick someone up from the airport. I'll post more pics from today when I get home.
Me off.

So this is the church, which is connected to the Heritage House (which is where the girls stay). Its really nice. It used to be an old monestary or convent so there's lots of old wood and amazing nooks and crannies.
The first couple of days have been kind of spontaneous. Pastor Bob (the children's pastor) is on vacation. And since he is the one I was assigned to help, I'm just doing random stuff here and there til he gets back tomorrow.
Tomorrow afternoon the Dream Center is having a big back to school blast with face painting, cotton candy and all kinds of stuff. Then it will all wrap up with a concert at 6 p.m.
Monday is our day off, so me and Jimmy are going to a park and maybe the Science Center.
Its so weird, this place feels so much like home to me I forget I'm not in Ohio. I even almost asked some kids if they got to go to the Cleveland zoo for a field trip.
Anyway, thats it for now.
Me off.

Ok a few amazing things since I've gotten here:
1. Memory foam matresses.
2. I have my own room! At least to start with.
and 3. Sarah Foster is here!

I finally was able to board my connecting bus from Chicago to St Louis! This was of course after waiting 1.5 hrs in the sweltering heat. The little rotund fellow in the picture is the man who stands guard at every Megabus stop. Now I just have 6 more hrs or so until I arrive! Woot!
Me off.
P.S. I saw a giant giraffe sculpture on my way to chicago as part of a mini golf course. It was exciting... I guess.

Sleep Evasion

Do not mistake the title to mean that I am attempting to evade sleep. Rather it is the other way around. It is evading me. The thought occured to me earlier tonight as I was getting ready to go to bed that this is the last night I will be spending in the room which has been called mine for the past 9 years. Keep in mind that I tend to attach myself to things sometimes... and so this is largely sad for me. Its like losing a good friend in some way. Tomorrow I am moving the last of my things into my apartment. Then Wednesday morning I'm leaving for St. Louis. I'm starting to get nervous about that, too. I've never traveled alone before, much less traveled that often at all anyway. So prayers for calm nerves and safety would be appreciated. Particularly during my stop in Chicago.

I also have very strong tendencies towards home sickness. When I say this, I mean, I'm already home sick adn I haven't even left yet. The realization that I won't see many of the people I love for several weeks saddens my heart. I do hope, however, that my sadness does not miscommunicate and come across as if I am not excited to go. Because I am. Significantly. Its really a strange combination of emotions.

Anyway, I should probably re-attempt to fall asleep. I will likely be updating this semi frequently via my phone while I am out there.

Me off.

Went to the zoo yesterday!

No Argument about Households on Page 28

Sleeping at Last Yearbook August :D Only one more EP left though. This = sadness.

Page 28
Have you read the script?
Could you picture it?
...is it worth the risk?

Everything I love
Is on the line
On these neon signs

But I need to know - when you looked away
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I said?
Well okay, okay I need you more than I did before
Now that the concrete is nearly set

Here in the second act I'm living in repair
Strange how the heart adapts when its pieces disappear
And there on page 28 I'm so tired of drying glue
I begin my grand attempt at building something new

Though I tend to write
The epiphany more immediately
I guess I'm trusting that there's such a thing
As elegance in dissonance

God, I'm skeptical of pulling scenes
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I said?
Please don't get me wrong - I still need your help
As history repeats itself

Here in the aftermath I'm pulling at the seams
Strange how the heart adapts in the absence of routine
And there on page 29 I find "new" and make it mine
But I can't help casting shadows on all I leave behind

Maybe I could afford to change a bit
Even let go of the reigns?
Every torn out page was worth the risk
Now that the stakes have been raised

So here in the final draft
I've given all I have
Strange how the heart expands in the absence of a plan
There's nothing left on the page, but I'm ok with that
For I found my resolution
Was designed for stronger hands


No Argument
Like starting war
Like spilling ink
LIke the empty street
You swore you saw
Before you blinked

There's no second though
There's no turning back
There's no calling off
This avalanche

Every day now spent
Underneath white flags
Every intention eclipsed
By every stain of the past

There's no argument
Fairness is a ghost
There's no argument
It is a rare bird at most

But every sighting is proof
And every heart-beat proves it too
That only love can change the shape
Of such permanent truths
Of such permanent truths
Such permanent truth

Puppy

This puppy... I want it. Its up for adoption in the area. But, to my dismay, it will get too big for the apartment I'm moving into. Some day...

Needles and New Music

Current delight: having new songs on my iPod. Jason Walker, Calvin Harris, Jason Aldean and Eagles have all been added. I quite enjoy this.

So I went in to get my Hep. A shot today. It is a requirement for volunteering at the Dream Center. While there I also ended up getting my tetanus shot because it was inexpensive and the Dream Center, while not requiring it, desires it to exist in my system. I don't do well with needles. At all. Anxiety has plagued me on and off all week for this. It was very good that I had a really nice nurse who didn't judge me for being very obviously nervous. At least she didn't judge me outwardly. Following this experience I have decided that the likelyhood of me ever getting a tattoo has drastically plumetted.

Random thought for the day: I got new socks! Cause I know you wanted to know.

Me off.

The Countdown

This quite possibly is the most insane my life has ever been. And yet, the effects are not revealing themselves to me as of yet. I should probably be in a frenzied hurry trying to pack not only for St. Louis (leaving in less than 2 weeks!), but to move out on Saturday. But I'm not. Its alot of change at once, which is typically rather difficult for me to acclimate to. However, I feel abnormally peaceful about it all. Not that this is a negative thing. Quite the opposite.

It rather amuses me that the times that are most chaotic and confusing are the times that God gives the most peace. Its contradictory, yet very clearly a Kingdom principle, if you live by such things. I get the feelign that He's up to something. Though exactly what isn't very clear to me right now. But then, when is it ever.

I purchased a leather bracelet a few weeks back and imprinted on it is the phrase "not all those who wander are lost". This phrase has always connected with my heart on a deep level. It comes from a poem from The Lord of the Rings (go ahead, make fun of my nerdiness). The full poem goes "All that is gold does not glitter; Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not whither; Deep roots are not reached by the frost; From ashes a fire shall be woken; A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken; The crownless again shall be king." (I may or may not have typed that from memory....) But that specific phrase is significant to me because it expresses perfectly how I feel my life is panning out.

On the outside, it tends to appear that I don't really have much direction. I mean, I work a job that is very clearly not going anywhere. I don't have much further education past highschool and I don't really intend to pursue such. By most standards, I don't have much going for me. It appears as though I'm wandering through life somewhat directionless. But God showed me a few years ago that's how its going to be. But that doesn't mean that I am directionless. He has a direction that He's leading me, but He's just not going to show it to me all right now. Actually, this seems to be the way He operates with alot of people. Its step by step. He'll show me the next step He wants me to take when it comes to me.

I'm quite excited about going to St. Louis. It took forever for me to get the time off approved from work, but I did :) I'll be gone for 3 weeks. I'm really excited to be involved in what's going on out there. And to see what God does. People are being rather amusing about it all though. There are those who think that I'm going to go out there and never come back except to collect my things and move there. Also, I've heard people say that I may meet whomever I'm going to marry out there. Both of these thoughts are just silly to me right now though. Well, the one about meeting my husband is just sill all together. I refuse to do so, its too cliche. I have no interest in having to tell people that I met him while on a mission trip. And, while the idea of living there has a large amount of appeal to me, I don't think that's going to be happening right away. I know God still has things for me here. So yalls are stuck with me a bit longer :P

Anyway, to end this on a really awkward note, my brother told me today that I should become a surrogate mother to earn extra money.

Me off.

Websites

I've added a section for recommended websites on this page. There's some pretty sweet ones there. Just sayin.

Me off.

Rebel

Something God showed me today: the only time my heart is truly not safe is when it is in rebellion to Him.

Silly Band

Marriage of Food?

So I have found myself wondering why I ever ate cereal singularly. It is so much more delicious when its mixed together. This is Special K and Fruit-in-the-Middle Frosted Mini Wheats. I think my next endeavor shall include Reeses Puffs in some way.
Me off.

'Raffes

testing to see if this works. sarah may have provided answers. anyway, this is my fish. Lord Florence Crapagin

The Fictional Story of Kyle

This is a story I wrote a while ago. I actually think I wrote the majority of it while sitting in church... I was paying attention real good that day... No name for it currently.. and I have no idea who "Kyle" is.


One Wednesday morning as I woke up and went about my morning routine, I was interrupted by a sharp knock at the door. Wanting to enjoy my coffee, and thinking that it was probably just an early morning salesman, I ignored it. But the knocking persisted. So I finally got up. When I opened the door I felt a wave of, first, shock, and then guilt. There before my eyes, on my front step, stood Jesus.

I was so shocked that I could only stand there gaping. Finally I gained enough composure and invited Him in. I served Him coffee, not knowing what else to do. Soon enough my curiosity over took me, "Lord, why did you choose to come to my house today?"
"Kyle," He replied, "I came because I love you and I want to see first-hand how you go about your day."

If anything is slightly unnerving its having the Lord of everything following you throughout your day. I tried my best to do what was right. I pulled out my Bible for the first time in months. But as I was reading it, I looked up at Jesus and saw a trickle of blood run down His cheek. I wondered at what it could be, but was too embarrased to ask.

I left for work, going about my routine. Jesus came with me wherever I went. Still trying my best to meet His standards. I did pretty good, in my outlook anywa. I only grumbled about my boss a couple times. The whole day Jesus just sat by quietly without a word.

We got in the car to go home when the work day was over. Jesus still hadn't said anything. I looked over at Him and saw that the trickle of blood was still there, but it looked as though it was also joined by cuts on His back and leg.

When I got home, I wanted to read the newspaper. So I asked Him if that was ok. When He didn't reply, only watching me, I sat down with my paper. I read about wars, abuse and all kinds of other horrible things that put fear in my heart.

After reading the paper I got ready for Wednesday night church. During the service I raised my hands in worship, I bowed down. I took notes on the sermon. It was then that I saw that Jesus was bleeding profusely. No longer were there small scratches. He had blood pouring from His forehead, His shirt was sticking to His back, there were large holes in His hands and feet. There was so much blood I knew He would die if I didn't do something.
I leaned over in the pew and asked, "Jesus, why are you bleeding?"

His reply was only the second thing He said to me all day, but it was th emost profound thing I have ever heard.

He said, "Kyle, these wounds have been growing in numbers all day. One was added for each wrong thing you did. When you grumbled about your boss at work, when you angrily honked at the man in the car in front of you. These things you knew were wrong. What you don't know is that a wound was added when you allowed fear into your heart from readin the paper. When you read your Bible this morning, yes, even then, another wound was added. Your heart was not yearning for Me when you picked it up. You chose to read only because you felt obligated and guilty. When you went to church today and rose your hands, I was again hurt by your insincerity. You see, if you really loved Me, instead of reading your Bible out of duty this morning, you would have been so thrilled by My presence that you would have wanted only to talk to Me. If you would have done that, I could have shown you life with in the pages of My Word. Instead of raising your hands in service, you would have hugged Me and kissed My feet. With each of your actions - the ones that were wrong and the oens that were right but done with the wrong position of the heart - another wound was added to Me. So many of My people don't understand this. I don't want you to seek My Word, I want you to seek Me. I don't want you to chase after what I have to offer, I want you to chase Me for who I am. Kyle, so often what you do is motivated by obligation and duty. When will it be driven by love? Because unless love for Me is your reason, I don't want you to do it."

I found myself bowed, weeping on the floor. When I looked up, Jesus wasn't there anymore, but I heard a still, small voice whisper, "Kyle, I love you."

Hi

I'm waiting to wake up and find this is all just an awful nightmare...

Beautiful Courage

This is something I wrote a really long time ago, I can't really remember when... But it's probably one of my favorites. I don't really know what type of writing its classified under, but I used to do alot of writing like this.

Beautiful Courage
It takes more courage to be beautiful than it does to be ugly.

The terms "beautiful" and "ugly" really have nothing to do with physical appearance. Even in this world today they aren't often used to describe how someone looks. If you want to say that someone looks good today, you use words like, "hot", "sexy" or "cute". And the word "ugly" is generally considered offensive, so we resort to milder terms in reference to physical appearance. We will, however, use "ugly" to describe someone's behavior or attitude. But when someone says the words, "beautiful" or "ugly" it generally is referring to something deeper than just someone's face. In relationships a guy doesn't usually call a girl beautiful until the relationship has progressed to a certain point. Is it because her appearance has changed significantly to move from "hot" to "beautiful"? No, she probably looks generally the same as she did when they met. The reason he chooses to call her beautiful now is because he sees in her something deeper than he did before. He is using the term "beautiful" to describe all of her… who she is.

For a female, hearing the world beautiful in relation to her strikes an emotional core deeper than almost anything else can reach. This word, I believe, when used causes us to feel two different emotions at the same time. The first emotion we feel is the classic, warm, fuzzy, love. When we feel loved by someone, it makes us love them more. We feel safe; protected. But the second emotion we feel is fear. Fear that wonders if we will be able to do what it takes to continue earning that title? Or will we fail, fall short and thus be rejected? Essentially, its personal insecurity.

However, often times this insecurity is based on other insecurities. As a general rule, people tend to hide who they really are. Some hide more than others, but all hide. Whether they are hiding their whole personality and conforming to the world around them because they want others to like them or if they are only hiding a little piece of them… a desire, or a preference, they all hide. Most people hide needs. We don't want people to see our needs because we fear they will be viewed as weakness. The deeper the need, the more likely we are to hide it, and the more careful we are about making sure that nobody will ever see that it exists. This is why the most commonly hidden need is the need for love and acceptance. The need to feel loved is the deepest of all needs. But what we fail to realize is that we were created to need. God made our bodies to need food and water. But He also made our spirits to need love. There was a very specific reason for this. If we didn't need love, we wouldn't pursue Him (and all humans are pursuing Him in one form or another, but that's a different discussion for a different time).

But even though we do hide, we don't want to. We want to be able to fully expose ourselves as who we are, completely and be accepted for it. We want people to like us for who we are… not who or what we pretend to be. This is why when someone calls a girl beautiful, she feels fear. The subconscious thought process that goes through her head is something like, "He thinks I'm beautiful the way he sees me now. If I change that, he might not think I'm beautiful anymore. So I should keep putting up this mask so that he'll find me appealing." And so we continue to hide. Hiding causes us to hurt, because when we are accepted for our mask, we feel rejected for who we really are. But, of course, we can't show that hurt, so we hide it too.
Girls fear being called beautiful because they think that they are not. Yes, we will take our physical appearance and criticize it…but its often deeper than that. We could see a twin of us and not think they were not pretty… but the reason we think ourselves to be unappealing is because we see the ugly side of who we are. We see ourselves for our all. We doubt that if somebody else saw and knew everything about who we are, they wouldn't accept us because its not attractive.

This is the part where we become a bit confused. The fact of the matter is, we all have these shortcomings. All of us… not even just females. But we don't understand that they only way we can overcome our faults is to let them come to surface and deal with them. Its like when gold is being purified. You can't see the dirt and imperfection while the gold is solid. But when you melt it down (a painful process I would imagine), the dirt comes to the surface and only when its visible to the world can it be skimmed out. I'm sure so many of you have heard that analogy so many times before. But take a minute and think about it. What is that thing, that sin, that hurt or fear even that you keep buried inside of you? What is that insecurity? What part of you are you hiding? See, we like to go through "selective melting". We only let God melt down and get rid of the stuff we think would be somewhat easy to get rid of. Its like melting only the outer part of a chunk of gold. But the really dirty stuff is down deep. It takes time and perseverance to get rid of that dirt. Because not only is it hidden in a place that we protect the most, but it takes longer to get to the core than it does to get rid of dirt that's buried closer to the surface. It takes more intense heat, more time, more energy and a lot more patience. You have to just stick it out. Determine beforehand that you're gonna stick it out.

In the Bible it talks about us being tested by fire. Whatever survives the fire is quality and is precious.

The thing I've found is this. When you allow yourself to be real… to be completely and wholly you… flaws and all. When you're willing to admit where you fall short, no matter how embarrassing it is, that's when the people that matter most love you the most.

Its sort of like… you have to admit you're ugly before you can become beautiful. Its one of life's many seemingly contradictions. It doesn't make any sense, really. But that's how it is. It's a struggle. I'd love to say there's a cookie cutter answer for everyone to be able to overcome their fear and insecurity… but there's not. Everyone is different… therefore there's a different way that they conquer fear. The one quality that is constant, however, is courage. You gotta be able to not turn back half way through. Sometimes… oftentimes, you're going to come across things in yourself that you didn't even know were there and are usually uglier than you thought could exist. But you gotta work past it and let that surface too.

Now by surface I don't necessarily mean tell everyone about your flaws and say "accept me now." But I do mean that you need to let them come to surface instead of suppressing and hiding them. If you have a good circle of friends (or even just one good friend), someone you know won't leave you no matter what… then you can be more willing or open to literally talk about stuff with them than you would others obviously. The Bible says iron sharpens iron. They're iron, you're iron… let them help you overcome insecurities as you help them too. Sometimes, though, the things that need to surface need to come to surface only between you and God. Those, I think, are some of the hardest times you'll ever go through. But its those times that build your trust and dependence on Him.

That's why it takes more courage to be beautiful than it does to be ugly. To be ugly requires only that you stay the way you are now. To be beautiful requires you to, with the help of Jesus, face yourself, fight yourself, kill yourself and allow Jesus to live through you...

Flashback Central

All I have to say is that I've spent a fairly significant amount of time on this website remembering the days of Discovery Zone, BookIt, Jezzball, MegaMan and so much more of the wonderful things from my childhood. Go see.

Me off.

Hit or Miss in the Apeture of the Wilderness

Yearbook EP - July is finally out! I've been waiting all day!

Wilderness
Dear wilderness, be at your best
Her armor is thin as the fabric of her dress
I know the rules: the weaker trees bend
But make her immune
When your temper storms in

When she gains her balance
Be as still as you can be
When she's climbing branches
Be the feathers underneath

When she regains her balance
Be as steady as she needs
When she trusts you blindly
Be her worthy lock and key

Though it goes against
Every grain of your sand
Like turning wolves
Into lambs
Be your best for her
Your best for her

When she holds her balance
Be as gentle as she needs
When she shines her brightest
Let no dark cloud intervene


Hit or Miss
Hurry hurry up and wait
Is how the waiting game is played
A thousand moving parts keep score
Inside we watch we can't ignore

So let's hurry
Let's hurry up and wait

Much too tired to try
Much too stubborn to quit
On an island in between
The coasts of hit or miss
Are we settlers or are we natives of this land
Only time will tell
On which pedestal we were meant to stand

So let's hurry, let's hurry up and wait
So lett's hurry, let's hurry, hurry up and wait

Every cloud above's full of splattered paint
Every seed below lies patiently in wait
But a watched kettle never boils
A watched tree never grows
May we have our tea in the forest
May we reap all that we sow

So let's hurry, so let's hurry hurry up and wait
So let's hurry, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up and wait


Apeture
Happiness is somewhere I have been before
A blurry photograph that I have since ignored
I'll carefully adjust the apeture once more
Until I set the record straight

I'll brush aside the dim make room for the bright
I'll be an editor, no, a curator of light
I'll let my better angels always set me right
Until I even out the score
Until I even out the score

God it has been quite a year
I've lived a little bit and I've died a little more
I know that I've asked it before
But please let the scale tip here in my favor

What was once the sweetest melody I've heard
Is now a memory reduced to little words
I'll tune the orchestra and play the overture
Until I pinpoint every note

Give me the heart of an archeologist
That I may dig until I prove that I exist
A subterranean cathedral in my midst
Where echos come to rest
Where echos come to rest
Is this where echos come to rest?

God it has been quite a year
I've lived a little bit and I've died a little more
I know that I've asked it before
But please let the scale tip here in my favor

Until I set the record straight
Until I set the record straight
Until I can set the record straight.

"I'm learning to breathe; learning to crawl; I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall" Switchfoot

Still Daily

I think this more than constitutes for my daily sighting of a giraffe. I saw one yesterday on a little kid's shirt. And lest anyone think that because I don't mention my sightings of them very often that I am no longer spotting them, rest assured, I am. I'm trying to get blogger to let me post pics from my phone that way I can just send a pic whenever I see one directly here. But for some reason its being stupid and not allowing me to do so.

Re-discovered "Lenka" after forgetting about her music for a while.

Debating getting facebook again. Don't think it's really worth it. We'll see.

Me off.

Wedding

Well first I'll give yall a few pics... For some reason some of them are sideways and I can't get them to rotate. So, this'll have to do

The wedding was amazing! I wish my backyard could look like that all the time... Nick and Rose are off on their honeymoon :) My lack of desire for a wedding has not changed, but this is the closest it has come to changing recently. Just because it was completely beautiful. I'm soo excited for Rose to officially be a part of our family too! It goes without saying for most of you that she's amazing. You all know that already. She was an amazing bride, too. No Zilla stuff happening.

Anyway, I'm excited to see what God does in their life together!

Me off.

"Love , by definition, seeks to enjoy its object." - C. S. Lewis

3

Hmm. 3 posts in one day. This is unusual. It probably isn't necessarily a good sign of the amount of time I have on my hands today. Or rather, the amount of time I am not doing things I should be.

I adopted a word. I don't remember where this is at, and of course its ridiculous. But I've decided to use the word "vanmost" which is essentially a synonym for "foremost". And as we're on the topic of words, I've discovered I also greatly enjoy the word "dysphoria". This possibly may be because it is used in the movie "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" which is widely known as one of my favorite movies. Also, I encourage everyone to begin using the phrase "said the harlot to the priest" in place of "that's what she said". This is the European version, and being such automatically makes it cooler.

I think I'm done for the day.

Me off.

"over it yeah i'm finding out i'm just over it. no i dont know whats over just yet but i wont go slow and time can let the mind forget." relient k

Memories Forgotten

In keeping wtih my promise to post past writings, this is something I started writing a long time ago. I didn't finish it, and I can't remember for the life of me who I'm referring to in it, but I kinda like it...

My life of late has been consumed
With thoughts and music bringing back you
Right now you're gone, but if I listen
I can still hear your eyes glisten
Twinkle and spark like they did in better days
But now you hide the pain behind a glaze
One that seems to have taken over you
Robbing me of the friend I once knew
If I could I would to make you smile
Something I haven't seen in a while

And that's the abrupt end... It's possible I was speaking of my grandpa, but I'm not sure.

St. Louis!

Just had my phone interview for going to the Dream Center in a couple months! I'm so excited! I love that place so much. I know I've said it several times, but it has my heart. I just hope everything goes through with my time off for work. I think it will. I'm also super excited because I found really cheap transportation. I'm gonna probably take a MegaBus which keeps my costs under $100 for both trips! This also opens up the possibility for me to go out there more often. Like, when I say under $100 I mean its going to be like $60ish for both trips. Which is phenomenal.

Nick and Rosie are getting married on Saturday. That's wedding number 2. Things are starting to get crazy at my house. Since they're getting married here, we have all kinds of things getting delivered this week that we have to set up. We have tents, chairs, dance floor, tables, etc. We had stone delivered for our driveway today. Its just going to be all kinds of chaos. But its exciting.

Jimmy's coming home tomorrow. I can't wait. I love it when my brudder comes home.

Uhm. Yeah, not too much to say really. Just... St. Louis! Woot! :P

Me off.

Writings

So I ran across a bunch of stuff I've written in the past. I think I'm going to start posting some of it here. I don't really know how to classify alot of it, but here goes...

This one was the result of a though process, not sure entirely how I feel about the accuracy of it, but its something to think about.

The Hunger of Love - 4/24/06

"You must obey the law. Follow where He leads. Pray this prayer and you will be a Christian. Love the lost, feed the poor, clothe the naked, and you will be sanctified. You must witness and spread God's word. Then you will gain access to Heaven." said She.

"To be I must do?" asked I. "Does love begin in the heart or the deed? Indeed, does the action of eating make one hungry? Or is it a deeper longing for nourishment? To be I must do? I think not. I think to do I must be. In order to show the love of Christ to others I must first be His love and He be mine. A love of God does not flow from our own actions, but from His. We cannot make ourselves love God by what we do. Out of the heart we act. Our heart does not change because of our deeds. A person could eat and eat and eat, but the more she eats, the less hungry she becomes. How can she know the hunger, the deep desire unless she allows herself to wait for that desire to come? You, ma'am, continually eat by serving; by singing at church, by attending Bible study, by daily studying yoru devotion. All things that are good and well. But the reason you eat is for taste. When you do these things it makes you feel better about yourself. You don't eat for the deep desire for the nourishment these things provide. And by constantly feeding your belly with these things, having the wrong motive, it doesn't provide you with satisfaction. In fact, the more you eat with the lack of hunger, the more you feel you must eat. Food eaten outside of hunger does not provide nourishment. It does not go to the health of the body but to its puffing up.  As does doing good deeds without the deep desire for Christ. I challenge you, ma'am, to not read yoru Bible. Don't pick it up until you can't bear living without it anymore. Instead listen to what God is softly speaking to your heart. Hear as He woos you to His glorious self. Listen to the simple sweetness He whispers in your ear. Be captivated by the mysteries that He will reveal to you. You know your Bible front and back. You know what it says. Now listen to what He speaks. Then, when you've heard Him, when you've experienced His wonder, then and only then pick up the Letters of adoration He has written for you. Let their breath become your breath, their life, yours. As you go through the day, breathe in God, breathe Him out; allow His romance to surround you and smother you. Once you allow His wondrous love to completely engulf your being, your actions will naturally flow from a heart overflowing with love. Y es, you, even you need to allow your heart to be loved by your Creator in its deepest depths, its most hidden places. He longsf or you; He weeps for you. He craves your love, covets your company. He yearns for your heart. Will you keep Him yet waiting as you fill your belly with deeds instead of filling your heart with His love?

There's a giraffe in the movie Coraline. 2 actually.

Without consequences or pain how would we know evil to be evil?

Sometimes the life you choose doesn't choose you back.

A Tretise on Being a Bridesmaid (4 going on 27)

My count is up to 4. And while this is still a long way from being in 27 bridesmaid dresses, it feels as if this number could be possible if the rate at which I am acquiring them continues.

Having been in one wedding and with 3 more approaching between this fall and next spring, I've developed several "bridesmaid foundations" that I stand on.

1. The day is not about me. It is about the bride. I will do what I can to remember this and help as much as possible.
2. The key words in the above foundation are "as much as possible". I am not super human nor do I have a never ending finance pool. I will communicate my limitations to the bride, while being sensative to the fact that, within my limitations, I want to do what I can to make the process as enjoyable as possible for her.
3. With God all things are possible. This should probably be number 1. But basically this means that God is aware of what I need as far as money and time. He will provide as long as I'm taking wise steps throughout the process.
4. Swallow the cynicism. Bride's don't want to hear why you don't believe in marriage. I have a hard time with this one... But I think I'm doing better.
5. Enjoy it as much as is possible. This is a difficult one for me, too, being that, as you've seen, my views of such matters have been slightly tainted by cynicism.

There you have it. I in no way execute these things perfectly, but I do find them running through my mind on a fairly regular basis. By the end of this, who knows, maybe I could take Katherine Heigle's place.

Me off.

Weddings, Marriage, Love, What???

All cynicism towards love set aside, there is something that I really don't understand. Weddings. To clarify, I suppose I do understand why people would want to celebrate... but its hard for me to see much to celebrate in marriage besides the ability to have sex. When I see the rejoicing, I sit back and shake my head wondering if they really know what they're about to do to themselves (mind out of the gutter, not what I meant). By that I mean, over the years of marriage, its hard. And this is all being said tongue in cheek as I am not married and therefore do not have the most expertise on the subject. But in what I've seen, marriage is not a walk in the park. So when I experience a wedding, there's a very inherent part of me that is thinking "Congratulations! Welcome to a life of discovering not only your spouse's flaws and annoying habits, but your own too! Welcome to fights. Welcome to finding out that you don't really even like the other person half the time. Welcome to hell."  Bearing in mind that I understand I am wrong on this, it is however, how I currently feel about the subject.

If all that doesn't sound awful enough to make people run the opposite direction, I don't know what would be. Its funny though, because, all of that makes me want to get married even more. So, I don't know if there's something wrong with me there. I enjoy discovering people. Good or bad. Discovering the bad isn't necessarily fun, but its the most amazing thing in the world to watch God redeem it. Mainly for that reason, I hope that God has marriage for me. I look forward to working through life with someone. That and I really want kids. This is something I largely doubt though.

My observations of the world of love tell me that people's understanding of what it is has been brutally warped. If I may be so brazen, people's definition of love has been raped by sex so that now the two words are often synonymous with each other. Because of this, love is viewed as warm, fuzzy, feel-good... etc. etc. But yall know this already probably. If you don't, I'd like to know the address of the rock you live under.

Perhaps my jaded opinion towards all of this is coming from a bitterness at the thought that it may not be intended for me. That's honestly probably the source of it. Well, it's from a couple different place actually. I applaud those who have seen and experienced first hand the same devestation that I have when it comes to this matter and still have the courage to enter into a life with someone else. I really truly pray that God would be the center of all the marriages that are happening... and the ones that already exist. Cause any alternative doesn't work.

Written but Untitled

Just something I wrote about a year ago. I actually woke up one morning and had it, typed it out in my phone. No title for it as of current...

Just beneath the surface
Of my turtle shell
The cracks reach around me
As my broken heart swells
The pain numbed by time
But the wounds remain
I'll stick my head out
To see if it still rains
Sorrow in tear drops
That fall from the sky
Create streams that flow
From the seas in my eyes
As the rain falls harder
The cracks found in my shell
Become the beds of rivers
Where living water flows

Hourglass on Atlantic; The Sea of Atlas

Sleeping at Last's Yearbook EP - June!

The Sea of Atlas
Through wires and waves our voices carry
Such careful words that we can barely speak out loud
We found an ocean when we needed land
We drowned in words when we needed a hand
So we plead for night and the sun keeps spilling light

There's a fine line, a fine line in between
Our progress and our instability
We can't help ourselves but hunt for more
A design flaw or the olive branch that proves the shore
The catalyst we've waited for

We live and die under the thumb of fear
As though the finish line will merely disappear
If we take one less step even to catch our breath


Hourglass
We're taking turns
At shattering apart
At least we're taking turns

How did we get so good
At dismantling these hearts
How did we ever get so good?

We dress our best
To receive their sympathy
At our worst we dress our best?

"Time heals all"
According to these greeting cards
Oh how we'd rather time resets

If we could turn the hourglass we would
If we could move a grain of sand we would
If we could find our way back we would

Our minds keep spinning webs
Of question marks and regrets
Will our minds keep spinning webs

I once heard honest words;
"Though nothing may ever be the same
The heart keeps widening for change"

You Are My Sunshine

I was listening to music and browsing websites through stumbleupon.com. As coincidence would have it, I was listening to "My Only Sunshine" by Bing Crosby and stumbleupon gave me this image at the same time. Gotta love it.

I actually really like the entirety of that song. Though it is rather depressing as a whole.

There's something about old music, like Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, etc. that just brings a melancholy joy to my heart. There's just something comforting about a crooner's voice combined with an upright bass, flute and violin and a little bit of white noise. It makes me want to sit next to a fire (bon fire or fireplace depending on the weather) with a cup of tea or hot chocolate, just listening. There's just a romance to it.

We must have been created for a world simpler than the one we've created for ourselves. A world where things were savored. Moments that were made to delight our souls, tastes that can both excite and comfort, smells that ignite soothing nostalgia or desire (I'm thinking about food here people, come on get it outa the gutter :P). And, I think one of the most important things we were made to delight in, after God, is each other.

We were made to delight and be delighted in. I think its an inherent need that comes with being human. In fact, the word "need" doesn't begin to touch on the depth of necessity I think this is for us. Maybe I'm exagerating or generalizing... I don't know. But when I think about it, we were made to delight God; to please Him. So I can't help but think that this is a part of our DNA.

Personally, there is nothing more fulfilling to me than when I know that God is happy with me. Second to that, one of my favorite things (if not my favorite thing) is when I can see that other people find joy in who I am. Also when I find joy in who others are. I really love people. They're flaws frustrate and hurt me sometimes, but those flaws aren't who they are. I love people for who they are, and I love discovering who they are. Quirks are a weakness for me. They bring me so much joy because they make people interesting. (Which really explains quite alot....)

Anyway, wow... my thoughts wandered a bit from where they started. Suffice it to say, if I know you, you are my sunshine in some way or another. And if I don't yet, you likely will be when I do.

Me off.

Escape Ohio!

I find this rather funny. Especially considering my mother's hometown was where Neil Armstrong was born. Definitely understand wanting to be as far away from that place as possible!

On another note, wedding season is about to begin. Sharin's wedding is Friday, Nick and Rose are getting married a few weeks after that. And of course the other 3 couples a little later this year. It's sheer insanity. I'm happy for them all though.

Its kind of lonely around here. With internship having ended, and now half the people I know are at the International Foursquare Convention (no, not the game played with a ball), it's super quiet in my life. I actually read a 400 page book in 2 days. I don't remember the last time I did that. Twas good though. "Immanuel's Veins" by Ted Dekker. He's brilliant. And twisted. Its a vampire story, which I was extremely skeptical about at first, because vampires are way over done these days. But this was actually written quite well, with the emphasis being on a story of redemption rather than on the fact that the creatures drink blood and are irresistably seductive. And no sparkles. All of these things make this book leaps and bounds better than the Twilight series.

I had grand plans that after internship I was going to acquire another job or 2. I think I have decided against such proceedings. I would like to work, but I think the down time is needed. At least for a little while. Especially since I'm planning to go to St. Louis for the month of August, it wouldn't be practical for me to take on more employment for only 2 months. However, come fall, I will be looking for another job and also an apartment. Yay! I can't wait to get on with this thing (meaning life). :)

Me off.

Oh the Memories

In homage to the 2 years I and 2 of my best friends have spent as a part of the internship program at church, I present you with quotes that will likely make no sense to you.

"Seth is a prisoner of my poop boot!" - Rachel

"So basically after puberty, you're dying..." - Chloe

"If you want to resist temptation, stuff it in Tyler's mouth. He'll eat it." - Chloe

"I see a pomegranate and I'm like "Man, I gotta sin!" " - Seth

Rachel puts broken foot on table: "Now that I'm a poor victim of the Golden Girls, I have gas issues."

Those represent just a few of the many strange, obscure, yet amazing moments of the past couple years. I hope you enjoyed my short tribute...

Me off.

"you sing me to sleep; talk down my walls; look thru my windows; as i wait; you could be the thief; i give the key to; you're ruining me" brooke fraser

As a Member of the Female Gender....

I just have to say, whether its you going through it yourself or someone you know...
PMS sucks!

The end.

Johannah and Her Wisdom Teeth. Bwahaha

Aand here is the video of my sister's great hilarity. In 2 parts.

Part 1

Part 2



One Last Thing; Ian is Amazingly Beautiful

Just sayin'. Good song. Ish. Ok maybe not. But it brings back memories.

Incense, Concerts and Getting Old

Soo, I tried to post the video of  my sister when she got her wisdom teeth out. Wasn't working so well. I'm gonna keep trying things til I can get it up here.

In other news, my family is taking a trip out to the city I wish I were in (aka, St. Louis) this weekend. Jimmy's graduating. Wish I could go too, but I have to work. It's all good though. I figure if I can stay home and work, then I'll be able to actually save enough money to go in August.

God's been showing me lately that when I declare Him as God, it by default diminishes everything else in my life to a lower position. This is kind of amazing to me, no matter how simple it is. This was shown to me while I was listening to the song "Like Incense/Sometimes by Step" by Hillsong. The one lyric, which is from the "Sometimes by Step" part of the song goes "Oh God, You are my God; And I will ever praise You". This has been the running theme for me lately. I try to remember when I get anxious or upset, or whatever about things that I need to declare Him as God again. Not that me saying that or not saying that changes the fact that He is God, but it's more a reminder to myself. I absolutely love one of the ladies on staff at the church for this fact, too. Every once in a while I'll go in and talk to her about whatever happens to be going on, and every time she reminds me that God is bigger. I don't remember how I discovered this about her, but since I did, that's really why I talk to her about things. Because she always points me back to Jesus. Which I think is mostly what I need more than anything else.

I do love Jesus. So much. My friend, Sarah, posted a short blog here. I encourage you to read it. It's very simply profound.

Had a pretty good birthday recently. Not gonna lie. Wasn't anything huge. But I love the people in my life. They're kinda amazing.

Went to see Brooke Fraser in Cleveland last night. It was kind of amazing. She's surprisingly bizarre. Gotta love it.

On that note, my mother wants on the computer. Soooo

Me off.

Standing Small

Discovery of a band. Standing Small. Website: http://www.standing-small.com/ . Go listen to their music. After you do that, go here and listen to Silhouettes by Sleeping at Last. Your life may change.

Me off.

Segue into Silhouettes of Pacific Blues

Sleeping at Last has once again succeeded in expressing my heart perfectly. Silhouettes brought me to tears.

Pacific Blues

If I could rearrange my words
I'd say what I mean
If I could learn to count the cards
I'd risk everything
Imagine how brave I'd be
If I knew I'd be safe
If I could only know the end
I'd be a prodigy of faith

If I had a treasure map
Oh the answers I'd find them
I'd dust off the artifacts
'Til I made 'em all shine

Everything I know is borrowed, broken or blind
And what I've seen of beautiful feels merely implied
Is it the treatment of symptoms or a touch of divine
I guess the truth is that the truth is of complex design

How I ache to know

God knows that I know we're little boats in the great big sea
Setting sail after sail in the hopes of finding a breeze

Every compass I have followed I've trusted and denied
So it goes with an ever-changing definition of right
Is it the treatment of symptoms or a touch of divine
I guess the truth is that the truth is of complex design

If ignorance is bliss then I guess I'm in heaven
But this hesitant kiss sends me back to the grasp of the sea

Setting sail after sail in hopes of finding a breeze


Silhouettes

You wrote your name in invisible ink
For you were so afraid of what they might think
But the scars they left they were loud and clear
Weren't they? Weren't they?

When it's too much to bare memories erase
A disappearing act deserving of our thanks
When it surfaces just hold your breath
And swim just swim

You begged and begged for some kind of change
Maybe they'd wake up tomorrow and regret the pain
That they've passed down to you like DNA
But no luck, no luck

It seems only by the hand of God or death
Will they truly change their silhouettes
For a miracle or consequence
You wait and wait

Maybe distance is the only cure
Far away from hurt is where healing occurs
But all you really want to do is make them proud
Don't you? Don't you?

It must be hard in the mess you're always cleaning up
To believe in the ghost of unbroken love
But I promise you
The truth is that you're loved. So loved.

Surviving the World

I have found that I love this website: http://www.survivingtheworld.net/. Below is some of his work. Keep in mind that he is an atheist, so some of his stuff isn't exactly agreeable. But he's pretty weird... ly funny.

Peace that Heals

Stop fighting.

For so long I've been striving to stir myself up towards God; to regain the passion I once had for Him. As this battle has sustained in my life, all that has been accomplished is that I'm weary, battered, bitter and more aware of my failing than ever.

God has probably been telling me to stop fighting for quite a while, but I hadn't been listening. Finally, I hit a point where I could not fight anymore. As the voices around me died down (I'm finding that most of those voices were my own), I heard that quiet voice speaking to my spirit. It told me to stop trying to stir myself up toward passion and fire. That's not what God has for me in this season. But that I need to stir myself up toward peace instead. That my heart is so torn apart and shredded, only peace and quiet communion with God could bring healing.

So I've conceded. Or I'm in the process of conceding, at any rate. It's hard to simply stop contending for everythign that I've been battling over for over a year. But at the same time, it's easier than I would have thought.

Through this breaking, too, I've discovered the release of a creativity in me. Previously inspiration to be creative only came to me in brief spurts. But I've experienced it flowing out of me in new ways lately. It's like untapped depths of me have been unleashed. I've started to draw. And, while I don't claim any of my artwork to be masterpieces, I am at least able to express what is inside me that was once imprisoned by my mind. I've taken thought out of the equation in this area. Especially any thoughts of how things "should" be expressed. There is no "should" in art.

Another area I've seen some (if not small amounts) of growth is in my writing. Words and phrases that, at one point, I would have never thought to employ find their way through my fingers and onto my paper or screen.

You know, it may seem silly, but for a long time I've sought and desired to live up to my name. "Erin" means "peace". "Rebekah" (my middle name), has several meanings; "beauty bestowed upon her; favored by the Lord; to mend; to bind; to tie". As I've talked with God about my desire in this area, the best I can figure the meaning of my name is, "to bind or mend with peace". Since I was a child of about 10 I've wanted to somehow bring peace to people's lives. (A strange desire for a child, I know. But I was a strange child.) This was largely inspired because I knew my what my name meant. As I am growing, I'm realizing that I cannot be an agent of peace for others unless I allow God to work peace into my own life.

The beginning.

Me off.

Giraffe of the Day

I promise I don't go searching for these things. They just happen to cross my visual path.

Ideally

If the world was how I could choose it to be, one of the things I would do is have Jon Foreman and Sleeping at Last do a concert together in Medina, or I may settle for Cleveland. This would make my life. The end.

Me off.