I Challenge Myself

One of the blogs I follow is doing this and it intrigued me. So I shall try my best to complete the 30 day Blog Challenge. Starting tomorrow.

Day 1: A favorite song.
Day 2: A favorite movie.
Day 3: A favorite book.
Day 4: A favorite television program.
Day 5: A favorite quote.
Day 6: A moment you wish you could relive.
Day 7: Five things you couldn't possibly live without.
Day 8: A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life.
Day 9: A photo you took.
Day 10: A photo of you taken over ten years ago.
Day 11: A photo of you taken recently.
Day 12: A song that you want played at your wedding(or was played).
Day 13: A guilty pleasure.
Day 14: A vacation you would like to take.
Day 15: A person you admire.
Day 16: A song that makes you cry.
Day 17: An art piece.
Day 18: A time when you felt passionate and alive.
Day 19: A talent of yours.
Day 20: A hobby of yours.
Day 21: Something you know you do differently than most people.
Day 22: A website.
Day 23: A way in which you want to be remembered.
Day 24: A movie no one would expect you to love.
Day 25: A recipe.
Day 26: A childhood memory.
Day 27: A physical feature you love.
Day 28: A scar you have and it's story.
Day 29: Hopes, dreams and plans you have for the next 365 days.
Day 30: A motto or philosophy.

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of thy redeeming love

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord take and seal it
Seal it for thy courts above

Alice

Aw geez. Possibly more car trouble.. pray? This stuff for reals makes me sick to my stomach.

Me off.

Pull Out Your Yellow Pencil...

Highlights of 2010
- Going to Pittsburgh
- Finding the antique store next to AI Root
- Getting an iPod (favorite device ever)
- Meeting Chris and Amy :)
- Rachel Schmidt. lol. (I've decided she is going to be on every yearly highlight list I make.)
- Jimmy surprising us by coming home Thanksgiving
- Restored friendships
- Janelle's face when Tyler told me to "Shut your whore mouth, Shannon."
- Discovering Sleeping at Last
- Meeting Lyle and Shirley
- All the nights I spent with Jesus, my iPod and the stars in my back yard. No matter how painful, those are some of the most precious times I can remember in my life.
- Getting my prophetic painting
- The anonymous gift God blessed me with.

Things I'm looking forward to in 2011
- Finishing internship. Though it will be a terribly sad thing, too, I'm excited to have it accomplished. I want to be able to explore and see what God is doing in other congregations in my area. Not planning on leaving Cornerstone. Not by a long shot, but I just want to explore.
- Going to St. Louis! Can't wait. Gonna try to do their month long resident missionary program.
- Visiting Lyle and Shirley.
- Aaaaalllll of the weddings.
- Seeing what God does.

Death

Saw a dead giraffe in a picture today. This saddens me. The end.

On a Positive Note

After my whole nasty summer, I realized that I haven't really taken the time to talk about things being good lately. I have here and there, but not entirely.

I have my boy best friend back. (Happiness!) Things aren't exactly like they were before, but I think that might not be a bad thing.

To add to that, God has repaired several of the relationships that were less than acceptable.

As I said previously, 2 of the people that have been struggling with stuff have been starting to come around. Which creates much joy in the pit of my being!! (Can I love that sentence's oddity?)

Oh! My favorite. I received a prophetic painting a few weeks ago. Its in the intern room at church (since that is where I spend the majority of my time). This is a picture of it. I love it so much! It's actually pretty self explanatory. The path represents life and choices. The arch, contrary to popular belief, does not represent McDonald's. Actually, the painter didn't know what it meant exactly, it was just what God showed her to paint. But its meaning is extremely clear to me. The hands are showing the choice that God is indicating. I will explain all that further in a moment.

This all would be remarkable enough on its own, but then you add to it a doodle I had done at work a bit before. This is shown below.

Crazy right? The sign on the left basically represents Medina and things I want to see happen here. If you look closely enough, you can see a tiny depiction of Medina county in the lower part of the sign. The right is the St. Louis Arch. It was essentially the expression of my confliction between the two geographical locations. My heart is in both places, but where is my goal? I've been conflicted on where my focus should be set for a while.

And its funny, cause after we went there almost two years ago, I knew where I needed to be focused. But over time, well, let's just say things have distracted me, making it difficult to remember what my goal is. Basic point, this painting was and is an answer to prayer. Whenever I find myself losing track of what I'm supposed to be doing, I look at my painting and just talk to Jesus until I can get my focus back.

And obviously, the ultimate goal is Him. But at the moment, one of my short-term goals is to get myself moved out to St. Louis. This may not happen for a few years, but I'm patient. And stubborn. I can stick it out.

Really, life is quite on the good side right now. Its not perfect, but it really is quite nice to not have things constantly coming at me. I'm grateful beyond words for the people God has placed in my life. Without some of whom I really don't know that I would be typing a blog with this tone yet.

All that being said, I don't know that I will be writing here before Christmas. So, I hope you all have a wonderful day of celebrating the earthly arrival of the most amazing Savior ever! I loves you all.

Me off.

Silence is Fluffy

Oh how I love my family. The following is a conversation that ensued previously today.

Libbie (ranting about nonsense)- "hear that....? that's blissful, peaceful silence....... now we.."
Me (cutting her off) - "yeah can we keep it?"
Libbie - "No."
Jimmy - "It's cute and furry. It might reproduce."

Knuckles that are White from Holding On

We interns have practice sermons coming up again in January. Its a little ways off, but I figure since I have time now and probaby won't later on, I should probably start working on it. Pastor Zach is having us each take the devotion for our birthday from "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. This excited me because I love that book. And beyond that, every time I read my birthday entry, even when its not actually on my birthday, it is so applicable to my life.

The verse used as the basis for the devotion is Revelation 3:10 which says, "Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth." Mr. Chambers then goes on to talk about what it means to persevere;

"Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. And even though you cannot see Him right now and cannot understand what He is doing, you know Him. Disaster occurs in your life when you lack the mental composure that comes from establishing yourself on the eternal truth that God is holy love. Faith is the supreme effort of your life— throwing yourself with abandon and total confidence upon God."

That's just a portion of what he talks about. Its funny how much this idea of persevering and holding on has been a theme of my life and conversation and thoughts lately. Jimmy and I just had a conversation last night about wanting to quit. He was saying that if he could say anything to the students who first come to the Dream Center, he would tell them that there will be a time that they will want to quit, but that they should stick it out because its worth it.

This sort of reminds me of my thoughts lately on being called to ministry and how, sadly, many people who are called don't seem to stick that call out to the end. They hit the testing period and can't get past it. As I talked with my brother he said that people only will want to quit if they are giving something their all. Its true, I think. Because when you pour your entire being into something, you're allowing all of you to come to the light. That includes the ugly parts. But this is a good thing. Because then those parts can be removed and made beautiful. But that transformation isn't easy.

But then, I think I've said all this before in some form or another.

Greatest joys of my life right now: two of my friends who have been struggling with some stuff are starting to turn around and are doing really well. Its so exciting to me when I see people finding out for real that Jesus is hope.

Greatest sorrow in my life right now: another friend of mine revealed to me his/her skepticism in God. This makes my heart sad. Pray for this person?

On a more shallow note, I am excited. Tonight I'm going to Stan Hywet Hall with a group of people. Should be fun. Might paint my room while Jimmy's home for Christmas. For some reason he's decided this is something that he wants to do. He's an odd one.

Never let go of God. The end.

Me off.

Oh the Joy!

Can I just exclaim my incredible excitement at the fact that I have just discovered that Sleeping at Last released a free Christmas album?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

A blog of more substance will follow in due time.

Me off.

Ps. Giraffe on a box of tea today. I think this is my favorite thus far.

I hear war drums.

Accidental Light From the Ground Up... Snow

Sleeping at Last - December Yearbook EP released today!!! Happiest day of my life! lol. Lyrics :) Snow is my favorite!

Accidental Light
On your mark, get set...
A million miles past the finish line
My heels lift
At this imaginary starting line
The trigger slips
My heart was racing well before it's time
Time's running out, it's always running out on me
As the road up ahead disappears

Though it's all been said
And this empty dictionary's all that's left
I'll try to change the world in a single word
My hands are shaking, ready or not
Invisible ink well it's all I've got
So I'll concentrate and pick from these barren trees

Cause time's running out it's always running out on me
And every road that I discover disappears under my feet
Some call it reckless, some call it breathing

Have I said too much or not enough?
Is it overkill or is it giving up
Just to measure out the distance of an echo's reach

If it's all broken mirrors and a chance roll of the dice
Then I'll risk everything for a glimpse of accidental light


From the Ground Up
One by one the knots we've tied will come undone
Like picking locks, we'll sow our seeds beneath the sun
Our accomplice is the rain
With patience, that of saints

It grows and grows
Our home sweet home

It took me 27 years to wrap my head around this
To brush the ashes off everything I love
Where courage was contatious, confidence was key

Right as rain, soft as snow
It grows and grows and grows
Our home sweet home

We'll try to document this light
With cameras to our eyes
In an effort to remember
What being mended feels like

We're home sweet home


Snow
The branches have traded their leaves for white sleeves
All warm-blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe
Scarves are wrapped tightly like gifts under trees
Christmas lights tangle in knots annually

Our families huddle closely
Betting warmth against the cold
But our bruises seem to surface
Like mud beneath the snow

So we sing carols softly as sweet as we know
A prayer that our burdens will lift as we go
Like young love still waiting under mistletoe
We'll welcome december with tireless hope

Let our bells keep on ringing
Making angels in the snow
May the melody disarm us
When cracks begin to show

Like the petals in our pockets
May we remember who we are
Unconditionally cared for
By those who share our broken hearts

The table is set and our glasses are full
Though pieces go missing may we still feel whole
We'll build new traditions in place of the old
Cause life without revision will silence our souls

As gentle as feathers, the snow piles high
Our world gets rewritten and retraced every time
Like fresh plates and clean slates, our future is white
New year's resolutions will reset tonight

Dear World, I want you to change. Don't worry, I'll help. Love, Erin

Espresso and Random Thought Trains

Random thought alert.

I shouldn't drink anything that has espresso in it when I'm in certain moods. Its interesting. Sides of me that I don't ever even admit to existing to come out. Its scary. My poor family has to see it.

Expresso isn't a word, people. Don't say it. Don't say "expecially" either.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars?

Exercize bands hurt dreadfully when you are snapped with one.

I realized today that I really quite enjoy sending out quotes. I'm not so sure the people on the receiving end of them enjoy them as much, but I like doing it. So I don't much care.

The Free Mason's built the Subway building in Litchfield. I wish I knew what they were all about. The whole Free Mason thing is a matter of great intrigue to me. If anyone knows what they are about, they should tell me. Because I really don't want to have to settle for joining them simply because my curiosity overtakes all reason.

Know what would be cool. If there was a college that would allow you to test your way to a degree. Like, you wouldn't have to actually take classes there. You could just do the studying and academics on your own and then pay to go take a test so you can get your degree. If this existed I would totally be a counselor or psychiatrist or something.

If flowers grew in the winter time it would make the season so much more bearable.

I wish I had a portable sun.

There is a note beside the computer that I'm at that says that Josiah is a skunk hurder to the max. I think whoever wrote that (I believe it was Johannah) needs to learn how to spell.

I'm largely conflicted when it comes to my opinions on audio books.

Oh. I saw a giraffe on Molly's necklace today.

Thank-you. You have now experienced a portion of what it's like to be inside my mind when I have had a large amount of caffine.

Me off.

Joyous Celebration of the Return of the Prodigal Brother

Jimmy surprised us all and showed up at home this morning!!!!!!!! :D

Me off.

Do You Want a Revolution?

I feel as though I have much in thought, but the bridge between my ideas and my words hasn't quite been completed.

As you all know it has been an interesting year for me. As I'm waking up from my funk, I've been looking around me to see that the vast majority of those whom I care deeply about have fallen into their own funks. And seeing how they are approaching and dealing with their issues has broken my heart. I don't see them turning to Jesus, but to other things and people for the answers to their questions and hurts. Or they are denying and avoiding them all together. Burying them underneath a smile or activity. But they're still hurting. I see it in their eyes.

This is not tolerable for me. Now, when I say that, you may be a little put off and wonder who I am to make such a statement. But I don't deal with the devil. I don't tolerate him taking and gaining victory in the lives of those precious to me. Its completely unacceptable. Its difficult because often times I feel so helpless to do anything about it. I pray my brains out... and I know its the most powerful thing, but I sometimes just wish I could do something. On the other side of it, I know if I get involved in the situations I am observing with out the sanctioning and guidance of God, I will without a doubt, screw it up even further.

So I pray.

I was talking to a friend tonight over coffee and I shared with him something someone said to me that I just can't get out of my head any time I start to worry about my friends and family. I had been kind of venting to someone one day about how I was frustrated about feeling helpless. And the basic message of what she told me was this; we know, because we are told, that prayer is the most powerful thing we can do for people. But, as stated before, it often doesn't feel like you're actually doing much. This is because we tend to forget how big the God-factor is in people's lives. We need to remember that He has His soveriegn hand in everything and so therefore talking to the One who is in control of everything is the most active thing we can do. And, let me tell you, I can't shake that concept from me.

Its so cool lately too. Because amidst all of the discouragement of seeing people struggle, this week I was lifted up by the fact that one of the people I have been concerned about has finally started to make a turn around! I don't talk to him often, but when I have for a few months lately.. well he's been going through a really hard time. But I talked to him a few days ago and it was just so amazing to hear him talk about what God is doing in him again!

I did have a realization the other day (mostly random side track from previously discussed topics in this entry). I realized that, if all works out as I would like, I will be able to go to St. Louis 3 times this next year! I want to go in March if the church is able to go. Then my brother is graduating from the intern program there in May. And then after internship is over in the summer I want to go for a month as a resident missionary. Its super inexpensive to do and well, you all know that my heart lives there.

More locally, I've been hitting a level of frustration with where things are at here. Don't get me wrong, I love everything that God is doing... I just wish that people would tune into it more than they seem to be doing. I wish I could/would tune into it more. I feel like I'm missing so much of what He wants to do... I want to see Cornerstone revolutionized. I want to see every person there willing, ready and serving in God's callings for them. Daily. I want to see a unified force come out of Cornerstone that will spread the revolution from just our church to the community of Medina. All of it. All social demographics of it. Reaching out to and beyond the city limits. I want to see people wake up. And I feel like God is wanting to do something so incredible here. And as much as I desperately want to be in St. Louis, I don't feel right about leaving here until I begin to see the fruition of what He has shown me for this place.

So much for not being able to put my thoughts into words. I think it often ends up that way for me. And this is all just part of what's going on in my head right now.

Me off.

To Avoid Original Thought

I've been spending some of my free time (which isn't often much) lately reading quotes. I love seeing how people can eloquently, simply or abstractly express truth.

Favorite one I found today says "True heroism is remarkably sober, very undramatic. It is not the urge to surpass all others at whatever cost, but the urge to serve others at whatever cost." - Arthur Ashe

"A wise person decides slowly but abides by these decisions." - Arthur Ashe - I'd say that's a pretty decent description of integrity too...

"In this world we do not see things as they are. We see them as we are, because what we see depends mainly on what we are looking for." - John Lubbock - Its funny how we can forget this sometimes. We get caught up in what we see and think it is absolute truth, forgetting that our sight is dependent on our human, imperfect eyes. On the other side of it, we can allow other people's opinions of us to affect our own self-perception, forgetting that their sight, too, is dependent on imperfect vision.

"Faith is not certainty. Faith is the courage to live with uncertainty." - Jonathan Sacks - Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen? Yep.

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition." - Timothy Leary - Hehe.

"Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control." - James Allen

"Truth resides best in that which looks ridiculous." - Eugene J. Martin

Me off.

Help

Oh geez.

Me off.

Rambling On and On and On...

You know, I really wish I didn't belive that romance is a myth. But the more time goes on, the more I doubt its existance. Maybe its just because I'm surrounded by relationships that don't really exemplify it. Maybe its because I've never really experienced it for myself. I don't know. But I don't believe it. Love isn't real. Unless its from Jesus. And I know that human "love" is imperfect, but it just seems so flawed and so far from what its supposed to be to me that it can't even really be recognized as love. I don't know what it would be.

Our love for each other is so filled with ulterior motives and goals. It frustrates me. And, really, I'm not even sure what love is anymore. Besides from Jesus. I try to imitate His love, but I know I fail at it miserably. I hold on too tight for fear of loss... actually, any love I have is full of fear. I don't trust people at all. I trust them just about as far as my nose. And its something I'll work out. Jesus will work in me to heal my heart to the point where I think I'll be able to trust again. But I don't know that I'll really believe in love ever. Unless someone comes around who decides to prove me wrong. At the very bottom line, I don't believe real love exists for me.

I guess if I'm being honest, yes, I do believe that romance exists for very few people. I'm pretty sure the number of people who have found a true realtionship where romance and real love is given and received on both sides could be counted on my hands and feet. And out of 6 billion people on the planet, that's pretty pathetic. I think there's plenty of relationships where one person wants a genuine relationship, but often either the other person is just wanting sex, or the settled for something sub par to what they really wanted so there's a part of them that's bitter and wondering if they could have done better (even if its just a really small part of them). I've seen it. I see it. Its shoved in my face every day. I don't buy it.

And I refuse to settle for myself. Maybe I need to lower my standards a little bit. But I can't. I'd rather stay single for the rest of eternity than settle or end up in a situation similar to one I've seen blatently lately. I don't want to be settled for. My heart has had enough crap done to it, I don't need to be settled for only to find out after years of being married because the guy isn't happy. Heeeccck no.

I also can't be with anyone who isn't pursuing a call to ministry in some form or another. Just having a call doesn't really do much. Because (if you read in one of my first entries) there are plenty of people who have received a call and not many who have answered it. I have to be with someone who will I can partner with.

Its funny, I've discovered much about what I need when it comes to a guy this past year. Not usually through positive circumstances. But its interesting. I seriously hope that this discovery isn't simply to show that there is no guy in the world who is capable of meeting said criterion.

It doesn't help that I'm persistent. I think I need to not be so pig headed. But then, I kinda like being pig headed. If I'm being honest. Its funny cause I don't think many of the people I know now have really seen my stubborn side to its fullest. I've even been told lately by someone that they don't think I'm really that stubborn. I kind of take that as a compliment because that means I've been able to mellow out alot. If you only knew me way back when. It was ridiculous. But when it comes to certain things now, I'm impossible to move. Once I've set my mind on something, my course is set. It takes alot for me to really, fully set my self to a goal. But once I do, I don't give up. And it always gets fun when you add to the mix other stubborn personalities, whom shall remain un-named, who tend to put barriers between me and what I'm going for. Which is a rather amusing irony to me... But of course you wouldn't understand the irony of the statement because I'm fairly certain I'm the only one who really knows what I'm talking about.

Its fun. Lol.

My sister was going through these conversation starter things we have. They're really dumb.. but the one asked if I could see in to the future, what would I want to know. I really want to know if I'm going to get married, and if yes, who it will be. I know alot of people say that... and then ultimately when they think about it, they don't really want to know. Nope. I actually do. It would take alot of the stress out of things in life. And when I meet that person, it really wouldn't be weird for me. I would be completely fine with just letting things play out. I can deal with pretty much anything if I know either the exact outcome, or at least that the other person is committed to our friendship/relationship. Actually, that last sentence can be applied to any relationship I'm in.

I just don't do well with unknowns. Or at least with wishy-washy people who will be your friend one day and change their mind the next. I've had enough of that for a life time. I'm done. And I understand the whole some friendships are for a season thing and I can accept that just fine. But if you're going to be my friend. Be my friend. Don't be an idiot about it and don't change that status simply because of a fight or something dumb. Actually, for me, I don't change that status at all if its for conflict really. I think I've done it within that context once ever. Mostly the only reason I would ever cease to be friends with someone is if we just naturally grow apart. Or if they shove me away. Had that happen... once? I think. Won't go there.

It genuinely frustrates me that I can't see the future right now. Its actually been kind of a revelation to me. Because I realized this past week or two that I usually have a pretty good perception of how things are going to turn out. I don't usually know specifics or exact outcomes, but I could tell you generally what's going to happen with things. Not lately at all, though. I feel like I'm so much in the dark. Its weird for me. I just want to know. Geez. I really just don't want to be vague here anymore. I really just want to name names and give specifics. It would be so freaking nice to get everything that I'm thinking out of me. But I respect certain people to much to do so. Or I try to respect them anyway. I fail largely at that frequently enough.

I just hope a certain person doesn't "know" who they're going to marry... or doesn't think they know anyway. That's a painful boat to be in when you're wrong. And I've never seen anyone be right. Been there, done that, got the cookie. It didn't taste good. Just saying.

Eh, I think I'm gonna be done rambling on and on about myself for tonight. Go listen to Sleeping at Last. You should. You know you want to.

Me off.

The Tying of the Soul

Soul ties are a confusing subject for me. Or maybe not so confusing as controversial. I'd love to say that they don't exist, except I'm pretty sure they do. I say this because I think I need to break one... and I don't know that I can. Cause... yeah. My sister said something today about her opinions of something that's kinda a fresh wound to me. And, to my horror, it caused me to get really angry. I don't like it. Probably shouldn't be saying this here. I don't know.

I think I'm a bit spoiled in certain areas of life. Not in areas that people are typically spoiled in though. I don't know. I'm not really used to ultimately not getting my way when it comes to my friendships and people that I am surrounded by. Sure, I don't always in the moment, but ultimately, in the end, it usually works out the way I want. And that's probably not good for me. I'm stubborn too. And patient (when it comes to things of this nature). And painfully loyal. I am capable of waiting very long periods of time to get my way. But its not good because I could end up waiting for a long time, and then everything go the opposite way and then I've screwed myself over.

Yaayy. I need to figure some things out. I wish I could see certain things in the future sometimes.

Me off.

Oh, giraffe on tv yesterday.

In Between the Pages

Saw a giraffe in a book at church today.

Don't much like Sundays. They're too busy. I go to church super early, come home for about an hour then go to work until Monday morning. No fun.

To add to my complaint, our cd burner is broke so I can't put the Sleeping at Last songs I just bought on a cd. I'm bummed.

Oh well.

Me off.

P.S. Can't wait for Sleeping at Last's December EP to come out!!!

Giraffe Family

I was sent a picture of a giraffe family today. They were wooden. And amazing. And cute. I think it counts as a sighting. The end.

Me off.

Proof That I'm Weird

As if you needed it. The past 2 days I've been writing randomness on the dry erase board hanging on my family's refrigerator. What do I write you may ask. Well, I will tell you.

Yesterday I wrote "I once had a purple parrot named George. He ate chinchillas for breakfast at 7:26 every morning. And he wretched them up at 2:24 every afternoon so that the unicorns would have a chance to survive."

Today was "If the metatarsals of a flying squirrel come in contact with your hair when it is blue, rejoice! Because the color red. Too often we ignore the blessings rained down by soaring cows in order to observe the ostrich in its natural aquatic habitat. So appreciate cows and flying squirrels as they work in tandem to provide the citizens of our celestial body with the necessities of pencils and joyous apples."

Saw a giraffe in a Harry Potter movie today. Prisoner of Azkaban.

Still listening to Sleeping at Last somewhat obsessively. Current favorite lyric by them "The warmth of blankets; Makes me nervous; I'd rather catch a cold" (Bright and Early).

Me off.

p.s. I've been starting alot of sentences with "p.s." lately. I don't know why.

Me really off.

The Incredible Depth that is Sleeping at Last

Yeah, I'm pretty hardcore sold on this band. I thought that maybe they were done awe-ing me. But no. Two days ago they released the next segment of their Yearbook EP ("November") and I was again launched into a depth of thought only inspired by lyrics that poetically challenge the mind while serenading the ear. (Can I just say I think I am in love with the previous sentence).

I posted the lyrics from the songs in November in my previous entry.

The first song (Bright and Early), I can relate to... incredibly so. It talks about worlds and relationships falling apart. The reasoning we have that we will grow through the pain and disaster. The fear of allowing people near us; the fear of hope, because we are afraid of losing that warmth, so we would "rather catch a cold". But when it all falls apart, it somehow takes a piece of our soul and if we are patient, our trust can be retied.

I'm still working out exactly the meaning behind Emphasis. But I do largely appreciate the way it explains how answers aren't necessary, just Jesus. He is our light. And even if it seems small to us, it can "reignight the sun". You may be surrounded by darkness, but even your small light has the capability of spreading into others. And then talking about the "6 billion pieces waiting to be fixed". Clearly representing the broken lives of everyone on the planet needing Christ.

101010 I think would be the pacifist's song. "Grey is not a compromise it is the bridge between two sides..."; incredibly profound.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the awesomeness that is the music of Sleeping at Last.

Me off.

Emphasis on Bright and Early, 101010

Lyrics!!! Lol. Sleeping at Last. What else is there? :p

Bright and Early

Bright and early
through the curtains
the sun comes pouring in
filling glasses up with diamonds
stirring where I’ve been

But it’s all trigger and effect
dominoes at their best

In the end I’m told
it taught me everyting I know
that the wreckage left behind
will somehow make me grow

But why couldn’t I have been safe from the start
soundly asleep

The warmth of blankets
makes me nervous
I’d rather catch a cold

Like sparks in matches
blink, you’ll miss it
the future’s up in smoke

Though dust has settled
I still smell the ashes
buried in my clothes

It’s all trigger and effect, I know
dominoes at their best

In the end I’m told
it taught me everything I know
but when the fire took our home
I lost part of my soul

From the ground up
I’ll keep building
houses into homes

Cause if trust is ribbon
then patience ties it
in a perfect bow

Emphasis


Death is promised to the bee
who’s sting protects the coloney
was its life worth nothing more
than honey for the queen

Life is a branch and it is a dove
handcrafted by confusing love
sign language is our reply
when church bells make no sound

In hollow towers and empty hives
we craved sweetness with a fear of heights
was it all just a grain of sand
in an hourglass

The smartest thing I’ve ever learned
is that I don’t have all the answers
just a little light to call my own

Though it pales in comparison
to the overarching shadows
a speck of light can reignight the sun
and swallow darkness whole

Death is a cold blindfolded kiss
it is the finger pressed upon our lips
it puts an unwanted emphasis
on how we should have lived

Life is a gorgeous broken gift
6 billion pieces waiting to be fixed
love letters that were never signed
sent to where we live

But the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard
is that I don’t have to have the answers
just a little light to call my own

101010


Hold your breath and count to 28
change is slow but I feel it taking shape
folding over us like waves
on oragami ocean tides we sway

Like blueprints being rearranged
over microscopes we plan and strain

The finest print in the whitest ink
before it dries there’s no time to think
it feels like everything we’ve know is sink or swim

But grey is not a compromise
it is the bridge between two sides
I would even argue that it is the color
that most represents God’s eyes

Hold your breath and count to 29
connect the dots and cherish every line

Paper cuts and trails aside
make a wish and hold it tight
this time we’ll try our very hardest not to try
‘cause grey is not a compromise
it is the bridge between two sides
the shores on which our stubborn land
and restless sea collide
grey is not just middle ground
it is a truce that waits to be signed
I would even argue that from where we stand
it most represents the color of God’s eyes

So lets fold our atlas into paper planes
change is slow but I feel it taking shape

Being Right

Can I just say (at the risk of sounding incredibly arrogant) that I love being right? Its a relief to me because something that I've known for a long time (like since January-ish) was finally confirmed to be true. And everyone thought I was crazy. Or just overly emotional about it. But nope. I was right. And I knew I was. Which was kind of comforting because I was starting to question my own sanity.

Remember how I mentioned that I could see relationships between people almost as a tangible item? Yep. It was one of those I was right about. And to top it off, I could tell when it was realized by the people involved that I was right even before it was confirmed to me offically that they knew. Which means I was a little more in tune to what was going on than I thought.

I really don't mean to sound proud or anything... this is really just a huge relief to me. You don't even know. Even though the reality actually works against me, at least I can claim my sanity.

I don't really have much else to say today. Well, I guess I do.. but no time.

Me off.

Of Retreats, Blessings and Trusting Jesus

Where to begin....

Thas has literally been one of the most incredibly overwhelming weeks of my life. No exageration.

I guess it would begin on Friday. Which can be summed up on one word: drama. And lots of it. Sparing the hairy details, its enough to say that there were some hurdles to jump as far as the beginning of retreat was concerned and in order to jump hurdles this high it required (metaphorically of course) a team of leaders who were willing to stand on each others shoulders and help everyone over them. This kind of put me on edge to say the least. But at the same time, somehow I enjoy working things like that out...? I guess enjoy isn't exactly the word for it... I just like making other people's lives easier, so if I can deal with the nasty stuff then they don't have to.

Hmm. Its always so hard for me to process retreats. I love the perspectives of those who haven't been absorbed in them for too long. Just because they have so much optimism. I genuinely hope for a permanent, commited change in these kids. I want to see them grow into all they can be. So desperately I do. I want to see Jesus encounter them and completely revolutionize their lives. This is my hope and prayer after every retreat. Unfortunately, it always goes back to the way it was before... I wish this wasn't true. So its hard for me to truly completely hope for it to be so.

During the retreat, it really didn't seem to me like a whole lot was happening with me. Which is fine, cause I'm a leader and its for the kids mostly. But when I got home and looked back on it, I realized that under the surface, God actually did alot with me. He broke down some walls. More restoration was accomplished between me and my bbf (not bff. its different). Which was really good. I still miss him lots, but progress and baby steps are good.

Since then I've just been hit over and over with Jesus just bringing things around in my life. He's provided in so many ways, its made me actually cry because I've just been so overwhelmed. Someone left me an envelope with cash in it on Tuesday. I've never had anything close to that happen before.

Last night I was really worried about my bbf, though. Its really hard, because I have to trust him to Jesus. I don't really have a say in anything that's going on with him right now. But the entirely frustrating part of it for me is the fact that I can see straight through him. I know and understand what he's going through so thoroughly... and its really hard for me not being able to be there for him. I just want to hug him and tell him its going to be ok. But as much as I love him, Jesus loves him more. And I have to trust that. Its really hard sometimes.

I think I need some things clarified... Or maybe just a slap of reality. I'm not sure. I think I'm too loyal for my own good. Lol. And stubborn. Once I really set my mind on something, I don't let it go. Pretty much for anything. Which can be good and bad. Oi. It would be handy to see the future.

P.S. Don't get your heart stuck in two geographical locations at once. Its just incredibly conflicting.

Me off.

A Giraffe as Tall as Myself

It was amazing. I was hanging out with my very best most amazing friend in the world today (Bethany) and we went to the mall cause we were in Strongsville and wanted something dessert like. And while walking through there, we saw this giant wooden giraffe. It was beautiful. I want it. Lol.

I'm still gonna talk about retreat at some point. But I'm still recouping and thinking about going to bed at the moment. So. The end.

Me off.

Giraffes in 3D

Saw the most bizarre giraffe today. It was on a tshirt, but it was red and blue and kinda funny looking... would have looked normal if you had some of those old blue and red 3D glasses on.

Nutso weekend. Much to tell. Will later. Sleeping now.

Me off.

If You're Going Through Hell...

My best friend recently informed me that I've gone through hell and back this year. Lol. I'm glad she knows this. The sad, unmitigated fact of the matter is, its true. I'm not even fully "back" yet, really. But, as bizarre as it may sound; as much as I never want to do that again (that "never" still doesn't do justice to how much I don't want to go through something like that again), it was and is good. Well, God was and is anyway.

Insecurity. Basically that sums up my life since January. Yes, personal insecurity, but also the lack and falling away of things I've depended on as secure foundations. Friends, family... things I thought I knew that proved to be wrong. This is all things that I've told you before. I wish I could give more detail right now. I really have alot that I kinda just need to release. But I can't. Whether because I'm not sure how to quite explain certain things, or I'm just not allowed to talk about certain things, I can't.

I miss my best friend. So freaking much. My other best friend, not the one mentioned above. I miss our talks. I miss being able to tell him everything. I miss him letting me into his world, too. And I don't completely understand... I'm trying to trust that God has it all in control. And usually this isn't a problem. Because I know that whatever He wants is best. And this is typically ok. Sometimes, like yesterday and a little today, its hard. I was complaining about this to Bethany yesterday and she reminded me that its all "baby steps". Which is true. As long as you don't take 5 steps and decide you've gone far enough and quit. Again, though, God knows every step and way of man. This must be remembered.

Pandora.com was playing music subsequently that fits alot with where I'm at right now. I love music that does that. I've listed below some of the songs that were played, if you click on the ones with links you can see the lyrics.

On a random note. I found baby sock monkeys. I bought one. His name is Xachary Michael Xavier.

Giraffe sightings lately? Nursery, Walmart (it was chubby!), random artwork that I've encountered. They still happen fairly frequently. At least several times a week.

Quote: "Fear is the only true enemy, born of ignorance and the parent of anger and hate." - Edward Albert

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
Dare You to Move by Switchfoot
Name by GooGoo Dolls
Never Say Never by The Fray
Pictures of You by The Last Goodnight
All I Need is You by Hillsong United
New Day by Robbie Seay Band

Stephen Fry Kinetic Typography - Language

Ammusing. Sarah, I believe you will appreciate this.

Of Videos and People and Vulnerable Hearts

So we (the interns) had to make a video to advertise for the Cornerstone Kidz harvest party later this month. It was kinda fun. Funny. If you want to see all of us fall down, you should come to church within the next 3 weeks.

You know, I really don't like people very much. Actually, that's semi false. There's not really many specific people that I dislike. I just generally don't like groups of people larger than maybe 3? 4 at the most...? I think they intimidate me. Or maybe I'm just cynical about them, too. I just don't think groups of people really work very often. I'm much better at being people's friend one on one.. maybe one on two. I actually just had a realization about why this may be for me. See, there's this thing with me where I can see relationships between people. Like, almost tangibly. I don't always see details, but I can almost always see if there are walls between people and how high they are. I can tell when there's a dynamic or chemistry there or not. But its not just perception. Like I said, I can see it almost as if it were an actual object. I can also pretty easily tell when people have walls up towards me. Especially if those are people who are/were close to me. Doesn't mean I'm always (usually?) right about the reasons the walls are up or what they are hiding... but I can still tell they're there. Its possibly that the group thing just overstimulates me because there's too much for me to process.

Anyway. My heart's in kind of a vulnerable place right now. In a couple areas. I've put myself out there, and seen positive results (for the first time in a while). So, as hope rises in me for things to continue improving, I'm afraid of falling again. I don't think I could handle it if I had things all ripped away from me again. So I'm afraid of hoping. I hope anyway, but it is scary for me. I don't necessarily trust alot of the people around me. But I also don't really trust my ability to guard my own heart. That's possibly another reason I avoid groups of people... or groups of specific people anyway. Because within a certain group(s) there are people who have done alot of damage to my heart. Maybe I shouldn't have given them access to it. Probably shouldn't have. Its funny 'cause I don't really trust easily for the most part. But this past year or so there's been a few situations in which I've allowed myself to trust. In a couple it has worked out ok. No pain. In a couple I've been pretty badly burned. I'm healing from them. But there's still a kind of large part of me that is a little afraid to trust again. Maybe I'm not supposed to.

Geez. I'm rambling about myself. Again. Shutting up. Lol.

Go check out my poll.

Me off.

Of Widows, Orphans and Practice Sermons

Being a part of an internship that is aimed at preparing you for ministry, occasionally it is required of us to write and give sermons. When thinking about the prospect of doing so, I tend to dread it, but usually once I start into whatever I'm preparing for I find that I enjoy at least the preparation part of it. I like searching out and discovering different aspects of God and His Kingdom.

Recently, Pastor Zach gave us the assignment to prepare a 10-20 minute sermon from some pre-prepared (redundant?) sermons found on abort73.com. Suffice it to say, procrastination has been my companion when it comes to this project as we are giving them for each other on Thursday and I haven't really done much, if any, work on it until today. I drew the topic "Widows and Orphans". Which is a rather broad topic and a little difficult to narrow down an angle to approach it from. Not to mention the necessity of tying said topic into the subject of abortion. Fortunately, we don't have to focus on abortion as our main point, we just need to mention it.

Aaanyway, I had so much fun prepping for it today that I thought I'd post some of my notes thus far. I tend to write my thoughts out in full sentences and paragraphs for things like this, then after that I can condense them into less specific points. It's easier for me to see my full thought and then make simpler points that remind me of said thought. So, though they be a bit scattered, here you go.

What would happen, what would it look like, if we started walking out what we talk about?

You know, I almost didn't want to speak on this.. I just wanted to sit here and stare at you with a slide on the screen that said "move", until you did. But being that I may have failed this assignment, I conceded.

James 1:27 "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit the widows and orphans in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."

I want you to think of one proble with the world today, big or small. Now think of the polar opposite of that problem; what it would be like if it were fixed. Perhaps for you this means a world where we not only live without war, but in peace because we've learned to truly love. Maybe its a place where poverty has vanished and everyone has what they need. Maybe its a place where all babies are allowed the opportunity to explore life. Now what is one step that would need to be taken to reach that solution? ... What's holding you back?

Jars of Clay sings one of the most profound, convicting songs I've heard called, "Oh My God". Some of the lyrics go, "Sometimes when I lose my grip; I wonder what to make of Heaven; All the times I had to reach up; All the times I had to give; Babies underneath their beds; Hospitals that cannot treat; All the wounds that money causes; All the comforts of cathedrals; All the cries of thirsty children; This is our inheritance; All the rage of watching mothers; This is our greatest offense".

Our greatest offense... That's pretty heavy. But Jesus said that whatever we do to the least, we have done to Him. Are we mocking Him? Are we asking Him why He doesn't have a job? Are we judging Him? Are we driving across town to avoid Him? Even worse, are we completely ignoring Him? We're supposed to seek out the Kingdom of Heaven, what if that means we need to seek out those who need? What if the pearl of great price is found in the slums?

The Bible says in James 4:17, "Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin." Something to think about. Have you repented; turned 180 degrees and started running in the opposite direction, of this sin?

 We sing the song, "What does it sound like when we sing Heaven's song? What does it feel like when Heaven comes down? What does it look like when God is all around?" And in the emotion and passion of experience, we believe that what we feel in that moment is the answer to those questions. But really, if we want to see what it looks like when God is all around, are we willing to walk into the slums? Are we willing to experience the song of Heaven when a child's cries are changed to laughter because you chose to take an active role in his or her life? What if, in order to know what it feels like when Heaven comes down to earth, we had to open our hearts to experience the pain and grief of others so that we could more effectively love them into the Kingdom. Another quote from the Jars of Clay song, "Take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon Your grief".

How much are you willing to sacrifice? Because this isn't merely a call to give your money. Its not simply asking for your time. Its a call to an involvement of your heart and what God has placed in it. Yes, you will be vulnerable. You may be hurt. But God has your back. He works all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to  His purpose. Don't worry about anything, but in everything by prayer, petition and while giving thanks (and praise?) let God know what your requests. Then His peace, which is greater than you can understand, will guard your heart.

Bottom line is this; we can keep talking or preaching about this stuff. I know we all have heard countless messages about it, read countless books... We know this stuff. But when are we going to do it?

Roosters and Syrup and Eccentric Aunts

Blogger gave me a random question and not enough space for me to answer it in the way I wanted to in my profile, so I transferred it here.

Random Question - "For your birthday, your aunt gave you a maple syrup dispenser shaped like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you note:"

Dear Aunt ________,


You have given me many eccentric gifts over the years that have both puzzled, and amused me. I feel I have accepted these graciously and with understanding. However, pouring syrup out of a rooster's rear end is just disturbing to me. When I take this gift to Goodwill, please do not purchase it again and give it to anyone. Just leave it. Somethings were meant to be lonely. Such as syrup-pooping roosters. I do, however, recognize that it is the heart behind the gift that matters. That being said, I'm not sure what kind of heart would give a gift of this nature. But I will assume the best and express gratitude for your thoughts toward me. Even if inadequately expressed.

Love,
Erin


hehe. The mildly ammusing part of this to me is, I have an aunt that does give gifts along these lines.

Me off.

Sleeping At Last - "Unmade" Music Video

Phenomenal music video. Watch. now.

Oh man. Can I just say I think I am permanently in love with Sleeping at Last? They are amazing. The song "Needles and Threads" I have just discovered. There are no words. I've never had a "favorite band" before.. I've always had several that I count as my favorites because I could never pick just one. But Sleeping at Last definitely takes it. They have an incredible sound, indescribable lyrics. Really, nothing I have found compares to them. If I could marry music, it would be theirs. I'm serious. I think I'm in love.

Dear Revolve - Take 1

Mark G, Derek R, Thadius, Mike G, Mel G, Brian H, Josh S, Zech M...

Do you recognize those names? Hopefully you know at least two of them.

Most of the names listed above probably have little to no meaning to you. But they affect you in ways you can't imagine. I'm going to tell you a story. Your story. As far as I can remember it. As we explore your past, maybe we can begin to understand the present a little bit better. The word "heritage" probably doesn't get you too excited, but this is the story of where you came from. And I don't think it hurts to look back every once in a while. It can help you to grow. I want you to know (as much as I am capable of showing it to you) the dream that is a part of who you are. If you only knew how desperately I want to see you become all that God would have for you...

I'm going to introduce you to these people in sessions. You will hear about what they did and how they changed the youth group. I won't be sharing a whole lot of my own perspective and experience. But I'll end the series with my story as far as it concerns the youth group at Cornerstone.

I will start with Derek R and Thadius and I'll tell you more about the others in later entries.

Derek R. His wife is named Lisa. Truthfully, I didn't know a whole lot about him. But what I do know, I will share.

When I first started coming to youth group at Cornerstone it wasn't called Revolve, it was called U-turn. I was 13. We didn't have the chapel to meet in. We met in what is now referred to as Room 8, but in my day it was called "C Wing". And Derek Rose was the youth pastor. Back then there was maybe 30-40 teens coming to youth group which met on, I believe, Saturday nights if I remember right. Pastor Derek was energetic. The youth loved him. He was very relational. He would often teach his messages while sitting on a stool. Almost conversationally.

The first retreat I went on was with him at Camp Carl in 2001. It changed my life and revealed my call.

While he was pastor, Derek and Lisa tried to adopt a little baby boy named Thadius. It was an exciting time. But before the adoption could be finalized, the birth mother changed her mind and decided she wanted to keep her son. This broke their hearts.

I don't know a whole lot about what went down after that. Details were always a little foggy for me. Mostly because I was still kinda young and people didn't tell me much. But I did notice the heaviness that came on Pastor Derek after that.

Eventually he was no longer youth pastor. It was all kind of sudden and, like I said before, I don't really remember details. This pretty much destroyed the youth group. I mean pretty literally. The kids who came were extremely loyal to Pastor Derek and were heart broken when he left.

Spiritually, their foundation was just beginning. It wasn't very strong or deep. Cliques were abundant even just amongst the 30 kids. But we can't discount the work that Pastor Derek did in helping to lay the foundation for where our youth group has come.

To help you understand how this affects you, maybe it would help for you to know some of the people who were around when Derek was and who he may have influenced. (Again, you may not recognize all of these names, but if you follow me in this story, you will meet many of them.) Justin Ryan, Amber Ryan, Jimmy (my brother), Mike Gardiner, Melanie C (now Gardiner), Gillian E, Sarah G, and myself.

I know this part of your story probably seemed a bit dry. I promise I'll try to spice things up for the rest of it. Its just a little hard for me to write about the beginning because I was only part of it for a short time.

Hope to see you back here soon.

Me off.

The Conundrum of Ink

I want a tattoo.

But I'm terrified of needles. I mean seriously terrified. I passed out before they put me out for my wisdom teeth when I saw the needle. They lied to me. Before I went in they told me they were going to use gas... they used a needle. I think my mother approved this behind my back.

Anyway, point is, I want a tattoo, but I'm in a conundrum. Even excluding the fact that I don't have money for one right now.

Conundrum is a fun word. I think its one of my favorites, ranking among "propensity", "constituency", and "vehemently".

I saw a fat giraffe yesterday in Walmart. It was a stuffed animal. It gave me a puzzled expression and made me laugh.

Ink makes me think of octopuses... octopi? What is that pluraled? "Aw guys, you made me ink..." - The octopus from Finding Nemo.

Trucks are amazing. I got to drive my dad's a bunch while my car was in the shop. Every time I get to do so, I'm reminded that I want one. Possibly dark green... Its just so much fun to be bigger than most people on the road.

I decided a while ago that I don't think I can be with any guy who can't make me a sunset. I don't mean a depiction of a sunset. I mean a literal sunset. I think that this may have doomed me to singleness for the forseeable future. However, I am open to someone who can give me an exceptionally realistic depiction of a sunset.

Maybe if I ever change my resolve to not consume alcohol, sometime I'll let myself get drunk and go get a tattoo... That way maybe I won't really feel it. I would, of course, already know what I wanted to get so I wouldn't get something stupid. ... The likelyhood of this happening is pretty much zero.

Oh. Blogger stinks. I edited a bunch of stuff in my HTML code a few weeks ago, and they changed it back to normal. I dislike.

I think I'm done expressing thoughts as they cross the forefront of my mind now (hehe. "Forefront" is  rhetorical...)

Me off.

Sleeping at Last

Quotes from my current favorite band eevvveerrr, Sleeping at Last (yes I recognize the oxymoron in that sentence). They are lyrical geniuses

"Religion is a breeding ground; Where the devil's work is deeply found; With teeth as sharp as cathedral spires; Slowly sinking in" - "Naive"

"So slowly I'm losing; Who I've sworn to be; A promise in pencil; The years have made so hard to read; I've spent my life building walls; brick by brick and bruise by bruse; A birdcage religion; That whispered me to sleep; But time is spinning silk; That coils ruthlessly; With the devil's patience; It binds my hands so quietly; That soon it becomes a part of me; So soften these edges and straighten out my life; And help me remember; The hope I have compromised; Please be a broken record for me" - "Birdcage Religion

"Put your coat on; This city trembles; Keep your chin up; As you untangle God; From cold blood and bruises; ...Only with careful hands; We'll turn their fangs into feathers and cures; Only with careful hands; We'll divide the prisoner from the pioneer." - "Careful Hands"

"On paper my future will lay; I'll fold every failure into a crane; Trust is quicksand; Claming everything I have; All to give me life" - "Quicksand"

"Everything I love; Was made of porcelain; Ready to break; But the bright staggering light; It anxiously waits inside; Like nesting dolls the secret hides; And like every birth; It was a necessary pain; I know I know; It was all worth the wait" - "Porcelain"

"There is no language for what we've seen; Only the sweetness that bends us to our knees; And all of these fumbling words; To explain what it means; But our hearts were buried deep in the sand; ... There's no need to be afraid; Overwhelming love cascades; The melody will rise and swell; As it finds its way inside the shell; The mouth is a mirror... We must watch what we say" - "Side by Side"

Conversation with God

My car is back in the shop. This is largely down putting because its the 4th time in about a week and a half. I sort of had a break down yesterday because of it. Well, it was triggered by it, but it was from pretty much everything I've been dealing with lately. To give you an idea of where I was at, I sent this to a friend in a text yesterday, "I feel helpless... I can't fix my friendship... I can't fix my family, I can't fix my car, I can't fix my heart. I'm really really done." Or something along those lines. I kind of hit the end of my rope.

Car trouble has a unique way of driving me to the point of complete, unmitigated frustration. And, in turn, driving me deeper in dependence on Jesus. My conversation with Him yesterday when something along the lines (although not exactly) of this:

Me - (starting towards the middle of my rant) God, I'm really trying to trust you with everything. And I do. But I don't understand. Why is this happening?? Why does it seem that my life is falling apart? I don't mean to question You, but this is where I'm at. I know You're going to provide, so why is it so hard to trust you? I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of everything being sucky all the time. I can't do it anymore. I just want to come and be with You.

God - Are you done now?

Me - Yeah... I think so.

God - Ok. I'm right here. I always have been. Right by you. Its going to be ok.

Me - But God, I just don't know what to do with this right now. Should I continue to put money into repairing this car? Should I just give up on it and try to buy a new one? I don't know! I don't know what the right thing to do is...

God - Its ok, I'm going to provide.

Me - But what if I make the wrong decision?

God - That's ok. I'm still going to provide. Erin, My grace covers your mistakes. That means that when you do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing or choose the wrong thing, you still get My blessing. So if you choose to keep this car and fix it, I'm going to provide you with the means to do so. If you choose to take another road, I'll provide for that too. I've got you covered. There are consequences. For instance, it may be less expensive for you to choose one thing over another. And one road may be more difficult that another. But, regardless, I am there. I am with you. Nothing you can do will ever change that.

Me- Oh. I see.

God - Yes.

Me - I do worry sometimes, though. What if I can't pay for internship? Or for my phone? Or for all of the other things I'm responsible for? What if I end up with nothing. I thought You called me to internship... would I really have to sacrifice that?

God - If I called you to it, I will provide for you to continue it. Erin, I really just want you to be in a place where you're content if all you have in life is Me. If all your dreams and plans fail; whether that be the intership, St. Louis, [un-named desire], to be a mother... any of it. Disappointment is natural. But I want you to be content and satisfied with and in Me.

Me - Hmm. I think I would be... But can we please not put that to the test. I really don't want to be homeless if it can be avoided

God - *laughs* Well, regardless, I will provide.

And I think I'm going to stop there. God has such a way of calming my soul when its in turmoil. I do love Him so much.

Below are the lyrics to a song that pretty much expresses my soul in a certain situation right now. There are several songs that are speaking to my soul, actually. Like "Stronger" by Hillsong and "Foot of the Cross" by Kathryn Scott. Anyway. That's where I'm at right now. I could use prayer largely.

Me off.

"Love is Not a Fight" By Warren Barfield

Love is not a place
to come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
then commit to never leave
So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
Work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees
Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for
To some love is a word
that they can fall into.
But when they're falling out
keeping that word is hard to do
Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
but demand we give our all

Testing 1, 2, 58

Its funny how when you pass a "test" it invariably means that you have a harder test coming up. Almost makes you want to purposely fail. Except I don't. Life is essentially a series of tests. So if you avoid the tests, you are avoiding life. And to avoid life is very unrewarding.

That's about all I got for now.

Me off.

The St. Louis Dream Center

Guys, my heart is entirely in St. Louis. Who am I kidding? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but it really is. Its been over a year since I've been there and my desire to be there is still as strong as when I left. I can't shake it. I got the Dream Center in my blood.

The type of ministry that they do and the way they do it is exactly what I'm wired for. I don't know how to explain it to you exactly besides saying that its like finding your purpose. But that sounds so cliche.

Joyce Meyer's tv program just had ran a session about the St. Louis Dream Center tonight. For those who don't know (probably because you haven't talked to me enough to hear me rant too much about that place), Joyce Meyer runs the Dream Center out there. Watching it and seeing the places and the people just made me long to be there all the more. I miss it so deeply.

And its not a romanticism of it. I know there's alot I don't know about being there. But I'm pretty grounded in the reality of what its like, I think. Mostly because I've done that kind of ministry before. Its hard work. But its what I'm made for.

Broken people. Needy people... All of it. My spirit groans in me. Again, cliche, I know. But its true.

Ah! I want to be there!! Even if its just to visit. I want to be a part of what they're doing.

I know, I know. You probably think that on some level I just want to see my baby brother. But that's not it. I mean, yes, I miss him. But even if he weren't there, I would long to be there. I wish there were some way I could describe to you what its like.

It'll happen some day. And then I'll share all of my experiences there. I can't wait.

Me off.

Giraffes, Babies and Escalators

Saw my giraffe on a baby bib yesterday. The baby wearing it happens to be one of the cutest babies ever to exist. Her name is Isabelle. It is children like her that make me wish I had children like her. Or children at all. Lol.

So we finished up our series by Joyce Meyer in ISOM on Thursday, and yesterday we started a series by Brian Houston (the pastor of Hillsong Church in Australia). He was talking about negative thinking. Which got me thinking. Being positive really is a choice. So is learning. I like the analogy I came up with yesterday while talking to someone. Its kinda like climbing the down escalator. You can either use your circumstances and situations as steps to take you upward and closer to God. Or you can just ride them out and allow them to take you farther away from Him and drag you down.

Its easy to just let things get you down; to maintain negative thinking. There is no effort involved in riding an escalator down. In fact, alot of times there's not even any thought involved. You just let your circumstances carry you where they may.

In order to climb, you have to fight against the current and the way things appear. You have to be determined and willing to work hard. You have to, at some point, make a conscious decision to not let the way things are going affect the way you pursue Christ.

Its hard. Especially when you feel like you have been wronged. When you have been unjustly treated by people. I have to admit, this is an area in which I haven't had much experience. I haven't been treated wrongly by people unjustly, probably ever. Until lately. I've been misread, gossiped about and pitied for no reason. Or little reason which has been exaggerated. I have been hurt largely by this. But on the flip side, I am grateful. Its developing a tougher skin on me. Metaphorically, of course.

I'm learning how to choose to live righteously in this. To let Christ be my vindicator. I don't have to prove that I'm right. For that matter, I don't have the ability to right now. I've had to choose to climb the down escalator in this. To not let anger, hatred, bitterness and pain poison me. And its still a choice I have to make on a regular basis. To try to forgive and love.

Jesus is my best friend. I have to cling to Him. I need Him like I need to breathe. A moment without Him feels like a moment without a heart beat. He's the only One who has fully accepted me and knows where I am right and have been perceived as wrong. He also knows where I am truly wrong. I have to believe that He will bring the truth to light. Even if that means that I realize more where I am wrong. I'm ok with that. I just want what's real to be real. I don't want myself to operate under a belief of something that is false to be true. And I don't want others to walk in that in relation to me, either.

There's alot. But Jesus will prevail. Because His love is strong. That's about all I got.

Me off.

Transmissions and Granny Driving

So I never thought I would be the person on the road that everyone wants to pass because they're going too slow. But, low and behold, it has happened. I even irritate myself I have to go so slow. Ok, ok, so I can still go 40 mph, which isn't that slow I suppose. But it feels like it to me.

The reason for this is, I need my transmission fixed. Without going into the hairy details of numbers and pain, I just had my car in the shop on Saturday and put a bunch of money into fixing it. Aaannd it needs to go in again for more extensive, expensive work.

I bring all this up because I completely believe that its a testimony to God's faithfulness. As stressful as this has been for me, He has stepped me through the whole way. It might not be the ideal situation, but He is providing. Not to mention I'm pretty sure I'm getting a crash course in patience and time management. Which, I could use a good dose of both of those.

God does seem to like to use car trouble to teach me things. Last year I had almost 3 straight months of having to deal with stuff with my car. What did I learn? I learned to trust that God has me covered, and not to freak out. So when this came around, even though it has stressed me out a little, even though sometimes it seems like God is waiting until the last possible minute to provide a way, I've remained calm about it... for the most part. I have had a couple times where breakdown almost happened, but He pulled me through. And He's still pulling me through. Praise Jesus.

Me off.

An Update on Giraffes and My Life

I stopped seeing the giraffes for a little while there. I thought maybe it was life's cruel irony to stop sending them my way as soon as I created a blog about it. But, low and behold, soon enough I started seeing them again. It isn't a daily occurance anymore, but its definitely several days out of the week. My best friend finds no oddity in this. She says its just because people like giraffes so they put them on things. I still think its odd.

As far as life goes, its been really interesting (and kinda cool) to see how God is using what I've been walking through. He's been giving me opportunities to interact with people who are going through similar things as I have been. Its almost like He brings them along to help me walk through my stuff as I'm walking with them. Responsibility generally helps me to work through things.

On that note, I've had alot of people who have asked me questions lately that I just don't have answers to. Really, no one has answers to the questions that I've been asked. Its been alot of "whys". I'm learning how to encourage people without having answers for them.

I think if I could create a soundtrack for my life right now it would include the following songs:
-Just One You from Jungle Jam and Friends the Radio Show
-The End by Relient K
-Human by the Killers
-Fall Away by Andrea Wellard
-Hold Me Near by Enter the Worship Circle
-Faithful by Ian McIntosh
-Hold Me Now by Hillsong
-What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road
-Dance Floor Anthem by Good Charlotte
-Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley
-There Goes the Fear by Doves
-Occurance at the Well by A Minor Bird
-Overthinking by Relient K
-Breath of Heaven by Sara Groves
-Like a Knife by Secondhand Serenade
-Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade
-Pieces by Sum 41
-Alarm the Alarm by Write This Down
-Are We All Forgotten by Paper Route

And probably many more. Lol.

Me off.

Justice = Mercy

I know that I've written about this concept before elsewhere, but its been revealed to me in new ways this week.

My prayer lately is that God would deal justly with me. (In my defense, it didn't process to me what this could potentially mean while I was praying it.) For me, while praying this, it had 2 meanings. First that where I have been wronged I would be justified. But also where I have done wrong, that I would be justified.

I have developed a new level of the fear of the Lord, I have to say. The idea of coming before an incomprehensibly holy, righteous, perfect God with my faults, failures and shortcomings wide open is enough to make me shake in my shoes.

And this is what God told me yesterday; His justice is His mercy. The punishment for whatever I have done wrong is already paid. So when I am asking Him for justice, He points to Jesus. His justice is complete when found in the merciful sacrifice of Christ. Because of this, I can reasonably expect to be forgiven by my spiritual siblings. But also, in that note, I also must forgive them for the wrongs they have done against me. Its like the story of the unforgiving servant.

All this is fairly basic, but to me it is profound. How good is our God that He, in all His holiness and righteousness and perfection would send His holy, righteous, perfect Son to take on our punishment? How can we do anything but praise Him wholly and for always in response?

I guess that's all I've got for today.

Me off.

Some of the Many Thoughts in My Soul

And the contemplations of my soul are as such:

I really could use an all out vent. However, being that other people read this sometimes. Or at the very least they have the access to, much of my thoughts must either be crypted or kept entirely to myself.

I really don't understand the place that I'm at in life at all right now. But its brought me a dependence on Jesus that's deeper than I've had before. Its like what Joyce Meyer said in the ISOM video we watched yesterday... We might not have the answers, but God does. And we know God.

My heart is doing better since my last post. But its still got a ways to go. God's working so much out in me. Things that I based my very foundation of life on are being shaken and called into question. It reminds me alot of the story of the wise man and foolish man who built houses. I think I fall somewhere between the two of them. And God wants to bring me to the point where my foundation isn't half on the rock and half on the sand, but fully on the Rock. In order to do that, you have to remove the part of the foundation that is/was on the sand and shift the entire house so that it sets completely on the rock. Its kind of a life jostling experience. Its hard. Its painful. Its confusing. But I fully believe that when its over God will have done something so amazing.

Humility becomes a huge factor in this whole process too. Because in order to have your foundation shifted, you have to admit that you were built on the wrong foundation to begin with.

I'm being sifted, shaken, refined, and tested. But I can only believe that it is so that Jesus can be poured out of me in a more pure form. I've messed up. I've failed people. I've failed myself. But at the same time, through out this whole process; in spite of totally screwing up half the time (or more), God has used me. I can't tell you how many opportunities He's given me to minister to people lately. Even just in little ways. I love it. Honestly, even if there were no other reason for me to go through this, the fact that I am given the priviledge of pouring into other people and being able to walk with them through things and relate to what they're saying is enough for me. I might have times where that isn't enough of a reason to satisfy me, but when it all comes down to it, it is. Because for Jesus to be manifest through me is one of the most important things to me.

One of my most earnest prayers is that, no matter the outcome of certain situations, I would be able to come out on the other side and be able to say that I walked in that situation righteously. That I handled things as God would have me to. Yes, I know I've already messed up. But, praise Jesus, there's grace for that.

I think that's about all I got for today. I know it was kind of hap-hazard and random. But it happens sometimes.

Me off.

Please

Pray for my heart... its not well.

Refining Fire

So I hadn't seen a giraffe for a while.. but I think I'm making up for lost time. I've seen multiple giraffes each of the past few days. In various locations. Like on a blanket... a picture in a random place... etc.

But anyway.

This has been one of the most intense summers I've experienced. Outwardly it would seem to be uneventful, but if you look below the surface, there was alot. Especially in what God has been teaching me. He's been showing me things in almost every circumstance. Which, to me, is amazing. Because I have felt like He's been mostly silent lately so to have this kind of communication with Him again is like life after death. Come to think of it, maybe that's exactly what it is.

A few days ago I made a list of everything that I've learned this summer. Just because I never want to forget it. I've decided to post parts of that list.

1. God is good. Regardless of our pain. Regardless of our circumstance. His goodness does not change based on human action, inaction, circumstance or emotion. That's kinda part of what makes Him God. We don't have the power to change Him. Therefore, He is good. And I have to trust that goodness. Trust that He knows.

2. Its better to give things to God when He asks you to. Even if you really don't want to. Its alot harder when you realize that you have to choose between that thing and God because you've allowed it to hold such a high position that it is actually competing for the throne of your heart. Bad plan. It hurts bad. So just release when you first sense God prompting you to. It lessens the pain. And who knows, He may bring that thing back around.

3. God restores your heart. Always.

4. This is one of the most treasured things I've learned and clung to. Hosea 2:14-15 "Behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. I will give her vinyards from there, and the Valley of Achor as a door of hope. She shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt."
This verse has been the theme of my entire summer. Basically what it is saying is this; God is going to draw you into the wilderness. A place where all else is stripped away. There is nothing but you and Him. Its going to be painful, dry, thirsty, hungry... That's how it is. Once you're there; once all else is gone and all you can do is turn and look to Him, He will speak comfort to you. From there, He will give you vinyards... fruitfulness. From that place, you will bear fruit. He will give you the Valley of Achor; the Valley of Trouble as a door of hope. Hope that you can walk through and, through your testimony, so can others. And through that place He will bring you to a place of rejoicing and joy again.

5. God is the only sure foundation. Family will fail you. Friends will fail you. You will fail you. God will not.

6. The refining fire really is a fire. It burns, but through it you are purified. And I'd rather endure that fire now than hell fire later.

7. Our hearts were designed to be filled by an eternal being. Anything less will not satisfy. Expecting carnal things and people to fill that puts way too much pressure on them.

8. I do not have a weak God. His love is strong. Nothing can stand against it.

9. We were never meant to be entertained. We were created to be delighted and delighted in. So why settle for being entertained or amused?

10. Being offended blocks love. Forgiveness clears the path.

11. The difference between a wise man and a fool is that the wise man knows he is a fool.

And that about sums up the main points. I can't wait to see where God takes me next. What He's going to show me. Pray for me though. Because the battle is still raging. Its hard for me sometimes. Alot of times. But I have Jesus. So I'm good.

I love you alls alot!!!!

Me off.

A Gray Area of My Mind

So I've been going through the book "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers and I have to say that it is rather insightful.

The past couple days have been about the Rich Young Ruler. Yesterday's entry (and today's quote) said the following: "I can be so rich in my own poverty, or in the awareness of the fact that I am nobody, that I will never be a disciple of Jesus. Or I can be so rich in the awareness that I am somebody that I will never be a disciple. Am I willing to be destitute and poor even in my sense of awareness of my destitution and poverty? If not, that is why I become discouraged. Discouragement is disillusioned self-love, and self-love may be love for my devotion to Jesus - not love for Jesus Himself."

This concept is one I've wrestled with on and off for a while. How much consideration should one give oneself? Where is the line between taking care of oneself and being self absorbed? Do we have any rights as humans at all? Or do we surrender all of those rights when we become Christians? Where's the line between serving and people walking on you? Where's the line between sacrifice and being mistreated? Where do you put your foot down? Is it right to even expect people, especially other Christians, to treat you with some amount of respect? Or should you hold no expectations at all?

I've caught myself saying lately to God and myself, "I'm a human being, beyond that, I'm a child of God, there is no good reason he/she should be treating me like this!" And then God always gently prompts my spirit and reminds me that Jesus was the Son of God... and look how they treated Him. We're supposed to follow in His footsteps right?

But at the same time, we're not supposed to roll over and play dead. Our love is supposed to be a strong love.

I wish I had an answer for all of these questions mulling around in my head. If anyone does, I would love to hear it. In the meantime, I shall continue to try and find a balance on my own... searching the Bible for some sort of insight into this matter which has so puzzled my mind.

Me off.

Of Dreams and Busy Days

I dreamed about a giraffe last night. I don't know if it counts... I think it does.

Off to a crazy day. Working from 8:30 this morning pretty much straight through 8:15 tomorrow morning. With a couple breaks. I'll post a quote later today by text.

Me off.

"Pay my respects to grace and virtue; send my condolences to good; give my regards to soul and romance; they always did the best they could..." - The Killers

Effed Up (Not Recommended for Small Children.... or Dogs)

Disclaimer: I refuse to admit that the following is simply cynicism. However, were I to admit such, I would tell you that it is really just cynicism and nothing more than a coping mechanism. But I am not admitting to such and therefore the following should be considered true... maybe.

I deliberated much over what to title this blog entry. I can tell you that many wonderful things came to mind... but I was so thoroughly amused by this title (well, actually, the title I originally thought of was much more amusing to me, but this one is more acceptable.) that I really couldn't escape it. And after being seperately advised by 2 people, the title is as such.



Romance does not exist.

Its a true fact. There is not a relationship on this planet where the people involved want to genuinely seek, pursue and win another person's heart simply because they love who that person is. Nope. People just want sex.

Now, perhaps in a relationship one of the people will want to win the other's heart... but the other always just wants sex.

For the people who are waiting 'til they get married to have sex this is probably even more true because... well, since they haven't gotten any, they really want sex.

It is possible for a relationship to start out with both people pursuing each other for who they are... but ultimately at some point it comes down to them wanting sex.

Some people will put on a romantic facade... but its just so they can get sex.

I think I've said the word sex in this blog more than I ever have at one point in my life. I think Emily may appreciate this.

On that note, I will entirely contradict myself and post a text that Skylar sent out this morning as my...

Daily Quote: "It is the hardest thing to look at a person and love them for who they are at that moment. Not what they have to offer or how they affect you, but simply because it is what Jesus would do. It is possible only by the grace of the Holy Spirit, but invites God's will into their life."

Me off.

Be Prepared

I'm just saying, at some point, hopefully this week, the most eye opening blog will be posted here. You will be amazed as you read about the myths you have believed.




All of that being sarcasm... although, you really should read it when I post it because it will at the very least be entertaining.

Me off.

Irony?

I think Murphy's Law is out to get me. The past 3 days I haven't seen a giraffe. I think it may be soley because I created this thing and named it as such.

Daily Quote: "Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are." - Malcolm Forbes

Today is my mom's surprise party. I think I may go crazy with getting things ready and trying to motivate unmotivated siblings.

In other news.... pray for me? I've been struggling with, well alot of things. I really don't have alot I feel like I can depend on as a constant in my life right now. And I've started having some anxiety attacks when it comes to certain things. Don't think they're going to continue for very long... but still. Not good. Can't wait for internship to start in 2 weeks... even if only for some routine and consistency.

Me off.

A Rare Giraffe-less Day

No giraffe sighting yesterday. Primarily because I was cooped up at the church all day so I didn't have much opportunity to see one.

Daily Quote: "Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." - Thomas Edison

I love it when my brother is home. For many reasons, but the reason I'm saying this now is because he's in the front room playing his guitar and worshipping. When he's here its like this almost all the time. There's a solidarity he brings with him. Its soothing.

I don't have much to say today. I have many thoughts. I'm still collecting them all though. So...

Me off.

Living into Ministry

I will expand on this topic and quote at a later time... when I have more time.

Giraffe sighting for Tuesday: TJ Max in Cleveland/Parma. Dog toy.

Daily Quote: "I have concluded that we never arrive at our calling; we only live into it. We never get there, and when we th ink we do, we invariably learn sooner or later that what we thought was the end is really just another beginning." - Rob Brendle

Me off.

The Purpose of This; Further Explained

So basically what I'm trying to do with this is give myself an outlet. I'm gonna try and update it daily with at least where I've seen giraffes and a daily quote (which I also send out over text every day). No promises, but I'm gonna try.

So yesterday I actually saw 2 giraffes. I was watching tv at work (don't worry, this is allowed) and there was a show that was giving tours of mansions. There was one mansion that had a giraffe head on display, much like some people have deer or bear heads. I think thus far, that is the most unique form in which I have seen them. The other giraffe was on Phineas and Ferb later on.

Daily Quote: "Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Me off.

Called to Ministry; The Leap... and an explanation on the giraffes.

Did you know that I've seen a giraffe pretty much every day now for about 3 weeks? Its weird. Today, I saw one on an advertisement paper. I can't remember what they were advertising (no, it wasn't Toys-R-Us).. but there was a giraffe there. And I don't look for them either. But whenever I see one... well its weird.

Anyway, onto the main purpose here. My thoughts have been wandering back to when I first realized I was called to ministry. And subsequently to conversations I had with Sarah about said call. Its really interesting. In observing the people that have been around me over the years, I've noticed a pattern of sorts.

Believe it or not, I've known alot of people who have laid claim to a call to ministry at one point or another. Alot being somewhere close to 30 or so people who have said this. How many of those people have followed through with that (or even continued on with their walk with the Lord)? Only a handful. And it breaks me. I don't like seeing people throw away their potential at the first sign of trouble... which is usually when I've seen people bail. So as I've been looking back at the process that has led me to where I am, and the different points in which I've seen people become discouraged in this call... I've decided that there are several things that anyone who is called to ministry will most likely face.

The following is up for discussion entirely and should by no means be considered an exact process or formula. This is simply my observations.

1. The Call - Pastor Jeff has been known to tell a story about his pastor who once said that if you could do anything else besides ministry and be happy, you should do it. The reason being, its hard. Also, if you're called to ministry, there really is no way to escape it. You can't imagine doing anything else with your life. Period.

Now, when you first receive the call, chances are you had dreams and aspirations aside from ministry. These do not instantly go away. They may never go away actually... I really don't know. But the call is kinda like being invited to a party. You feel important and wanted. You know, because of what you've been told, that its going to be hard work. But the reality of it just hasn't sunk in yet.

Usually at this point, you just know you're going to be a pastor. This is commonly because it is the first thing most poeple think of when they hear "ministry". And I am aware that for many people, they really are called to be a pastor. In my case, this was not so. And likewise in many other cases that I have seen.

2. The Testing - This is the hard part. This is where I've seen most people choose a different path.

There is going to come a point after you have been called when you will hit your first season of hardcore doubt and testing. This is going to be a time where you question if you really heard God right. If God was even speaking to you. Maybe this whole call thing was just in your head after all... You're really not cut out for ministry. You might question if you have what it takes... etc etc.

Also at this point I've found that often times this is coupled with a place where you realize that your other dreams and aspirations are still viable options. Now, you would be tempted to believe that you have God on the ministry side and the devil on the other side fighting for your future. And, yes, that may be the case. But I've found myself wondering lately if maybe neither option is wrong. If you choose to go down the "other" path, maybe its God's way of saying "Hey, I want you to do this. I have this amazing plan for you in this calling. But I understand its a hard path. Its crammed full of trials, temptations, doubts, fears, insecurities and so many other things that you'll have to face. All while being held to a higher standard. So, this is your chance to choose something else." I fully believe that God would be with you if you did choose something else. He has plans for you regardless. But I also believe that the reward for following the call is greater than anything we could imagine.

So basically, you're looking at a fork in the road. One road leads to a relatively safe, normal life. The other leads straight to a cliff. But we'll get into that later. It is at this point; this fork, that you have a decision to make. Are you going to decide to step out on the fact that you know God has a plan for you in ministry (whatever kind of ministry that is... I'm not defining this term. I'm leaving it very open on purpose.) Or, you can choose to walk down a safer path.. still with God, still in His presence. But safer.

3. The Leap - Ok, so you decide you're going to trust what God said. If you do this, its vitally important that you go back to the time you first felt called. Remember what He said to you... and stick to it. Actually, the phrase "stick to it" doesn't say anywhere near enough. You basically need to fuse it to yourself.

At this point of deciding, the temptation and doubt that may cause you to go another direction will most likely be the most intense. You're going to feel a little (or alot) like you're about to jump off a cliff... or maybe like in The Emporer's New Groove:
Kuzco - "Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall."
Pacha - "Yup."
Kuzco - "Sharp rocks at the bottom?"
Pacha - "Most likely"
Kuzco - "Bring it on."
Hmm. I like his attitude. At this point, you just have to face the cliff, square your shoulders and jump. Take the leap. Commit yourself. Say to yourself, "No matter what happens, I'm sticking this out to the end. Because I know if I do, God's there." Pastor Jeff also compares commitment to jumping off a high dive.  You're not really committed til you have actually jumped. Cause at that point, there's no turning back.

And be prepared for the ride of your life. In preparation, you will probably have to face things that are in you that you didn't know existed. Oh is that fun (sarcasm). You will encounter increasingly more difficult people to get along with. And you'll have to deal with them in love. And, well, the list could go on and on. And of course, God's going to be customizing you for the specific ministry He wants you to do. So that could mean any myriad of things will be coming your way.

But, on the other side of it, the reward is beyond what you can imagine. When you pray with someone to meet Jesus for the first time... When you see someone's life changed because you stepped out. Its indescribable.


I'll tell you what... for all the doubt you're going to encounter along the way, the other cliffs you're going to come across (oh yeah, did I tell you? It doesn't just stop at the first one. But trusting God gets easier along the way), for the opposition that you're going to face, for the failed atttempts, for the apathy that you have to push through (you're going to most likely hit a point where you just don't care anymore... and you have to anyway)... Its worth it. I can hands down say that you will never have a better experience in life than knowing that you're walking in exactly what God has for you.

Oh, a couple more things. In the beginning, you probably won't be so sure about the call (hence the doubt), but as time goes on, if you choose to keep leaping and trusting, your faith in what God told you will continually solidify. So just keep sticking it out.

Also, don't be surprised if, as you go along, you become less sure about what it is you're exactly going to do. You just gotta keep walking. Stepping out, one foot at a time. And really, you'll find you're more content that way. Not having a plan. Because then you dont' have to worry about what's coming cause God has it all covered. You just walk in what He's laid out for you.

I could honestly go on for alot longer with my thoughts on all of this kind of stuff. But I think I should probably end now. I just figured I should create an outlet for it... besides my windshield. Sooo, on that note.

Me off.